Chad took the kids to Red Bud Drive this weekend for a time of hiking and just being outdoors. They had a blast as you can tell! They love to climb!
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
A day in the woods...
Chad took the kids to Red Bud Drive this weekend for a time of hiking and just being outdoors. They had a blast as you can tell! They love to climb!
A PIERCING DAY!!!!
Oh...I said I would never do this until she was 10!!! But she looked at me with those big brown eyes and said "Please" so cute I couldn't resist! Chad and I will be in so much trouble when she gets older! She was a big brave girl as you can tell and didn't move a muscle. She has been very responsible in taking care of her new toys and well...I just don't like it....she now even looks older! Sheesh! What's a mother to do! They grow up way too fast! But I love the boys behind the glass watching. That was too funny! They refused to come into a store that was mostly PINK!!!
Honoring Logan
It's been a while since I've shared photos...so here we go!
This is the day that the school honored Logan before he left for duty. He went to combat traning for a couple of weeks and will get to come home this weekend for Christmas. Then he will turn right around and leave for one more week of training before he is off to
Afghanistan. Here you see Logan, Sarah, and their baby Olivia. Sarah is also expecting again but not sure Logan will be here for the delivery. This is also the school saying goodbye and presenting him with gifts the day he left. It was truly a special day to honor him and we will miss him!!!
This is the day that the school honored Logan before he left for duty. He went to combat traning for a couple of weeks and will get to come home this weekend for Christmas. Then he will turn right around and leave for one more week of training before he is off to
Afghanistan. Here you see Logan, Sarah, and their baby Olivia. Sarah is also expecting again but not sure Logan will be here for the delivery. This is also the school saying goodbye and presenting him with gifts the day he left. It was truly a special day to honor him and we will miss him!!!
Sunday, December 17, 2006
How about Love?
Let's talk about Love for a moment.
Is love conditional or unconditional?
Do you choose to give love only to those you know, or do you give it away?
I believe that Jesus gave love away in the most unselfish and compassionate way. It was the unconditional love that most people long for.
Love is such a good, but odd word to me. I love the word love. I love to love those around me. I love to let others know how much I love them. However, I haven't always been comfortable with that.
I didn't grow up in a family where we practice saying 'I Love You' to each other. We don't say it every time we are together and we don't say the usual 'I Love You' at the end of a phone call.
Actually, hearing it from my family is a bit odd. Even saying it back is odd for me. It is uncomfortable. I grew up in a family that showed their love by their actions. Does it make them love me any less? I don't believe so. But I believe we miss out on opportunities to tell each other how much we love one another. Our days are numbered and we won't always have that many opportunities to SHOW love...so why not say it?
I have no problem telling my friends how much I love them. I think Jesus was a man who walked around loving everyone He met. He knew His father had a plan.
So...shouldn't it be the same for us? Shouldn't my actions reflect Jesus' love to everyone around me....to the world that I embrace?
Offering my love to someone is a choice and I can choose to love someone...or I can choose to hold it back. But why would I do that? What is so great about me that I can't or wouldn't share my love?
I want others to know I'm a follower of Jesus by the Love that I show to them. I pray that others see what my Father sees in me.
Is love conditional or unconditional?
Do you choose to give love only to those you know, or do you give it away?
I believe that Jesus gave love away in the most unselfish and compassionate way. It was the unconditional love that most people long for.
Love is such a good, but odd word to me. I love the word love. I love to love those around me. I love to let others know how much I love them. However, I haven't always been comfortable with that.
I didn't grow up in a family where we practice saying 'I Love You' to each other. We don't say it every time we are together and we don't say the usual 'I Love You' at the end of a phone call.
Actually, hearing it from my family is a bit odd. Even saying it back is odd for me. It is uncomfortable. I grew up in a family that showed their love by their actions. Does it make them love me any less? I don't believe so. But I believe we miss out on opportunities to tell each other how much we love one another. Our days are numbered and we won't always have that many opportunities to SHOW love...so why not say it?
I have no problem telling my friends how much I love them. I think Jesus was a man who walked around loving everyone He met. He knew His father had a plan.
So...shouldn't it be the same for us? Shouldn't my actions reflect Jesus' love to everyone around me....to the world that I embrace?
Offering my love to someone is a choice and I can choose to love someone...or I can choose to hold it back. But why would I do that? What is so great about me that I can't or wouldn't share my love?
I want others to know I'm a follower of Jesus by the Love that I show to them. I pray that others see what my Father sees in me.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
YAY....I did it again....
I am a person who lacks confindence in a lot of areas. Especially school! I am never confident enough that I can even pass the class. I get so psyched out. Maybe that's a good thing. If I was overly confident in myself, then I might not study and try as hard and then I really wouldn't succeed! Right???
So today...I waited and waited and waited for my grades to be posted. The whole time I'm praying..."God..please let me pass, please let me pass, please let me pass"!! And my heart is pounding out of my chest. I know I didn't do so well because the final just about KILLED me!
Just then...the grades are posted!
Yep! I'm on the honor roll again! Holy Cow! Just when I was waiting for the bad news...the best news came. OH YE OF LITTLE FAITH!!!! And only to top that...I made one of the highest grades on the final too!!!
I'm so excited!!! Here is one of my hardest classes out of the way now and I can move on! YAY!!!! Could this day get any better????
So today...I waited and waited and waited for my grades to be posted. The whole time I'm praying..."God..please let me pass, please let me pass, please let me pass"!! And my heart is pounding out of my chest. I know I didn't do so well because the final just about KILLED me!
Just then...the grades are posted!
Yep! I'm on the honor roll again! Holy Cow! Just when I was waiting for the bad news...the best news came. OH YE OF LITTLE FAITH!!!! And only to top that...I made one of the highest grades on the final too!!!
I'm so excited!!! Here is one of my hardest classes out of the way now and I can move on! YAY!!!! Could this day get any better????
Friday, December 15, 2006
My Brain Hurts!!!
We just wrapped up a two hour session with Ian's doctor and HOLY COW....my brain probably doesn't hurt 1/2 as bad as his does. I am so overwhelmed with information and emotion right now.
They pointed out all the imperfections....all the insecurities and the lack life he really has. It was truly the most depressing two hours I think I have ever been through.
My heart really hurts. I felt bad for Chad as he had to walk out of there early and leave not being able to process this information before going back on the road.
The diagnosis was everything we expected it to be...and then some.
Did it hurt me to hear these things??? Yes!
Do I feel hopeful??? A little
I know it will get better as we educate ourselves. I was given SOOO many resources as a parent and I'm a little excited to go out in search of support.
They assured us of this....
There is no cure....
There is educational opportunites...
There is help out there....
We are NOT alone.....
He can learn to manage and cope and eventually learn to live in society as a normal child.
I have thoughts....I have ideas....I have a little hope for the future.
My goal for next week is to explore Town and Country to see if we can afford for him to go there. The doctor thinks this would be the PERFECT fit for him if we can find the financial means for it. I pray that God will open a door of opportunity for us so we can get him in.
They pointed out all the imperfections....all the insecurities and the lack life he really has. It was truly the most depressing two hours I think I have ever been through.
My heart really hurts. I felt bad for Chad as he had to walk out of there early and leave not being able to process this information before going back on the road.
The diagnosis was everything we expected it to be...and then some.
Did it hurt me to hear these things??? Yes!
Do I feel hopeful??? A little
I know it will get better as we educate ourselves. I was given SOOO many resources as a parent and I'm a little excited to go out in search of support.
They assured us of this....
There is no cure....
There is educational opportunites...
There is help out there....
We are NOT alone.....
He can learn to manage and cope and eventually learn to live in society as a normal child.
I have thoughts....I have ideas....I have a little hope for the future.
My goal for next week is to explore Town and Country to see if we can afford for him to go there. The doctor thinks this would be the PERFECT fit for him if we can find the financial means for it. I pray that God will open a door of opportunity for us so we can get him in.
Did Jesus Laugh???
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, to laugh. My best of friends know how much I love to laugh and how much I long for it. There is something so refreshing about a good laugh. Now....I could do without the whole crying while laughing...or the nearly wetting the pants laughing...(yes...I just said that!). But I love to get together with people and have a great time laughing. Sometimes about totally nothing at all.
So after an entire evening of LAUGHING last night....I wanted to know if Jesus had ever laughed as hard as I did? Many scriptures say "Jesus Wept" but none say "Jesus Laughed".
I challange you to help me find places in the Bible where Jesus laughed! Or where you think He may have had a sense of humor.
I know Jesus was sent here and was merely a man....without sin! In Hebrews it is 'For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin.' I think he did all the things we do...yet...without sin! So I'm just convinced that he laughed...just as hard as I do! Why would God have created laughter if He hadn't experience the joy of laughter Himself. It's such a great thing.
I think the Lord wants us to be filled with joy and laughter. I love that song..."The Joy of the Lord...will be my strength".
I think joy and laughter is SOOO much better than the alternative! I can imagine a life without depression...but I can't imagine a life without LAUGHTER!!!!
So after an entire evening of LAUGHING last night....I wanted to know if Jesus had ever laughed as hard as I did? Many scriptures say "Jesus Wept" but none say "Jesus Laughed".
I challange you to help me find places in the Bible where Jesus laughed! Or where you think He may have had a sense of humor.
I know Jesus was sent here and was merely a man....without sin! In Hebrews it is 'For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin.' I think he did all the things we do...yet...without sin! So I'm just convinced that he laughed...just as hard as I do! Why would God have created laughter if He hadn't experience the joy of laughter Himself. It's such a great thing.
I think the Lord wants us to be filled with joy and laughter. I love that song..."The Joy of the Lord...will be my strength".
I think joy and laughter is SOOO much better than the alternative! I can imagine a life without depression...but I can't imagine a life without LAUGHTER!!!!
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Passion
Do you ever feel passionate about something that you really want to do but the timing just isn't right? Boy...I feel that way all the time.
How about in ministry? Where do you find you are most passionate for the Lord?
I have three places that I feel God truly leads me to serve:
#3: Praise Team - Let me say that I am not the most gifted or talented individual when it comes to singing, but I truly love to be with the team, have fun, and praise God in song. I think I find a lot of passion in just the serventhood of praising Him with my fellow brothers and sisters.
#2: Children's Praise Team - This is an area that I truly LOVE! I love to see children passionate about praising God and it warms my heart to teach them songs and movements. One day, I would love to put on a kids talent show, similar to our adult Christmas Party, so the kids have a time and place to showcase their talents that God gave them. Doesn't have to be singing...there are a wide variety of things children can do to show their passion for the Lord. Sometimes, they just need help finding it.
And my #1 place that makes me feel closer to God when serving is:
Women's Ministry! I feel passion, I feel praise, I feel happy all over and excited to get women toegether for a common goal. A common purpose! A common Love!!!!! I love to plan evenings out, I love to plan parties, I love to plan retreats, I love to do anything that deals with the wonderful women in our church.
One of my biggest problems in this area is that I dream TOO BIG and then I have to modify. That's what's hard for me. And then my other problem is school is holding me back from being able to move forward with a dream for this.
Lea Henley paid me the best compliment last night and she didn't even know it...and guess what it had to deal with???/ Women's Ministry. Go figure!
Where is your passion?
How about in ministry? Where do you find you are most passionate for the Lord?
I have three places that I feel God truly leads me to serve:
#3: Praise Team - Let me say that I am not the most gifted or talented individual when it comes to singing, but I truly love to be with the team, have fun, and praise God in song. I think I find a lot of passion in just the serventhood of praising Him with my fellow brothers and sisters.
#2: Children's Praise Team - This is an area that I truly LOVE! I love to see children passionate about praising God and it warms my heart to teach them songs and movements. One day, I would love to put on a kids talent show, similar to our adult Christmas Party, so the kids have a time and place to showcase their talents that God gave them. Doesn't have to be singing...there are a wide variety of things children can do to show their passion for the Lord. Sometimes, they just need help finding it.
And my #1 place that makes me feel closer to God when serving is:
Women's Ministry! I feel passion, I feel praise, I feel happy all over and excited to get women toegether for a common goal. A common purpose! A common Love!!!!! I love to plan evenings out, I love to plan parties, I love to plan retreats, I love to do anything that deals with the wonderful women in our church.
One of my biggest problems in this area is that I dream TOO BIG and then I have to modify. That's what's hard for me. And then my other problem is school is holding me back from being able to move forward with a dream for this.
Lea Henley paid me the best compliment last night and she didn't even know it...and guess what it had to deal with???/ Women's Ministry. Go figure!
Where is your passion?
Hearts & Minds
Do you ever wish at times you could find someone else to carry your burdens for you? Especially without having to say anything at all?
Nobody can read minds, but I think we can all read hearts and if they are hurting.
Last night I felt very alone, somewhat like a stranger, but one person read my heart all the way though and stopped me...made eye contact...and knew...I had a burden to lay down. That's a true gift when you can see and feel the hearts of others when they can't bare the pain any longer. Not even enough to speak.
Nobody can read minds, but I think we can all read hearts and if they are hurting.
Last night I felt very alone, somewhat like a stranger, but one person read my heart all the way though and stopped me...made eye contact...and knew...I had a burden to lay down. That's a true gift when you can see and feel the hearts of others when they can't bare the pain any longer. Not even enough to speak.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Rough Week
If you haven't heard of Charlie Freeman yet....you should watch this video.
http://www.newsok.com/article/2984128
Our dear friends Charles and Carrie lost Charlie last weekend in a farming accident. I haven't had the heart to even blog about it. Each time I try...I get the biggest lump in my throat and my tears overwhelm me. I'm comforted in knowing that Charlie has gone home to be with our Father but it doesn't make it any easier.
Charlie was a bright young boy full of life and energy. He loved his family, his sisters, his mom and dad, and most of all, it was obvious that Charlie loved God.
Today I celebrate Lukus' birthday on the same day that Charles & Carrie will bury their son and my heart breaks. We will celebrate Christmas with our kids, they will be missing one. We have to turn our thoughts away from this loss and glorify in Heaven's gain. But still...it hurts so much.
I don't ask God why....I know he has a plan. I know our days are numbered before He ever gave us life. Sometimes, it hurts more than one can even imagine.
Please watch the video and remember Charlie....and cover this family in prayer!
http://www.newsok.com/article/2984128
Our dear friends Charles and Carrie lost Charlie last weekend in a farming accident. I haven't had the heart to even blog about it. Each time I try...I get the biggest lump in my throat and my tears overwhelm me. I'm comforted in knowing that Charlie has gone home to be with our Father but it doesn't make it any easier.
Charlie was a bright young boy full of life and energy. He loved his family, his sisters, his mom and dad, and most of all, it was obvious that Charlie loved God.
Today I celebrate Lukus' birthday on the same day that Charles & Carrie will bury their son and my heart breaks. We will celebrate Christmas with our kids, they will be missing one. We have to turn our thoughts away from this loss and glorify in Heaven's gain. But still...it hurts so much.
I don't ask God why....I know he has a plan. I know our days are numbered before He ever gave us life. Sometimes, it hurts more than one can even imagine.
Please watch the video and remember Charlie....and cover this family in prayer!
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
My favorite things....
My kids are so silly!!!
About 4 years ago...I sang at a Christmas concert "My Favorite Things"
This music is on one of the CD's in my car. As we were listening to it yesterday, the kids decided to get funny and make up their lyrics. THEY LOVE TO MAKE RHYMES!!!! When you read it...sing it to the tune of my favorite things! I'm sure today they will come up with more!
Ian sang:
Blankets & Doggies & Pumpkin Pie yummy
Wrapped & eat up it's warm in my tummy
Making a mess and my mom cleans it up
These favorite things of mine make her go nuts!
Lukus sang:
Playstation, frustration, my situation.
I want to go up and see a space station. (we laughed really hard on that!!)
Blast off up high in the big great big sky
I don't know why mom keeps on asking me why
Emilie sang:
Baribe and drawing and singing with lady (our dog)
Makes me want to have a big baby (I freaked out on this one)
Christmas trees, lots of leaves, put them on me
Doesn't anyone know I have to pee?
This just made my day fun!!!
About 4 years ago...I sang at a Christmas concert "My Favorite Things"
This music is on one of the CD's in my car. As we were listening to it yesterday, the kids decided to get funny and make up their lyrics. THEY LOVE TO MAKE RHYMES!!!! When you read it...sing it to the tune of my favorite things! I'm sure today they will come up with more!
Ian sang:
Blankets & Doggies & Pumpkin Pie yummy
Wrapped & eat up it's warm in my tummy
Making a mess and my mom cleans it up
These favorite things of mine make her go nuts!
Lukus sang:
Playstation, frustration, my situation.
I want to go up and see a space station. (we laughed really hard on that!!)
Blast off up high in the big great big sky
I don't know why mom keeps on asking me why
Emilie sang:
Baribe and drawing and singing with lady (our dog)
Makes me want to have a big baby (I freaked out on this one)
Christmas trees, lots of leaves, put them on me
Doesn't anyone know I have to pee?
This just made my day fun!!!
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Brain Duh???
Okay...if you say it really fast Brain Duh....what does it sound like? This actually came up on a docs orders the other day and we laughed and laughed. There was actually more to the order...but that was just really funny. Now you know what they like to call me at work!
So I only have 2 more weeks of this semester left. I can't be any happier. I'm NOT in the least bit excited for my finals. I have one this Thursday and then next Thursday. This class has been a little harder than I expected in the beginning.
One thing I love to do is give presentations. I love to reserach something and then come back and teach it to others. I find that the research part is so fascinating!!! Today my end of semester presentation was somewhat fun and exciting.
I found out that the final is REALLY hard and I'm not excited about that information!
I have to work the entire weekend up to Christmas but I'm excited I'm going to get off early to go to church on Friday night. I am looking forward to being with the family again.
My family has decided to celebrate Christmas later during the day so I can get some much needed sleep on Christmas morning. But I look forward to watching the kids open their gifts and have a blast. I am also looking forward to playing poker with my brother again.
So...this seems like a random post for the day....well...it is!
So I only have 2 more weeks of this semester left. I can't be any happier. I'm NOT in the least bit excited for my finals. I have one this Thursday and then next Thursday. This class has been a little harder than I expected in the beginning.
One thing I love to do is give presentations. I love to reserach something and then come back and teach it to others. I find that the research part is so fascinating!!! Today my end of semester presentation was somewhat fun and exciting.
I found out that the final is REALLY hard and I'm not excited about that information!
I have to work the entire weekend up to Christmas but I'm excited I'm going to get off early to go to church on Friday night. I am looking forward to being with the family again.
My family has decided to celebrate Christmas later during the day so I can get some much needed sleep on Christmas morning. But I look forward to watching the kids open their gifts and have a blast. I am also looking forward to playing poker with my brother again.
So...this seems like a random post for the day....well...it is!
Monday, December 04, 2006
It's still cold!
I have to change my blog today becuase I can no longer look at those weather pics I posted! ;o)
I want to say that my friend Chris updated his blog and has a really thought provoking update. Of course...you have to admire his new baby girl, Genesis, when you're scrolling down to see the blog on "Worship & Lament"!!! I encourage you to read it & add your thoughts.
http://www.chrislindsey.blogspot.com/
I want to say that my friend Chris updated his blog and has a really thought provoking update. Of course...you have to admire his new baby girl, Genesis, when you're scrolling down to see the blog on "Worship & Lament"!!! I encourage you to read it & add your thoughts.
http://www.chrislindsey.blogspot.com/
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Do we live in the North Pole???
Wow! Something about these two pictures I'm not particurally fond of! 
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Old Church Songs
Do you have a favorite church song from the past? You know...the hymnal songs???
Our beloved worship misinster....bless his little heart....loves to throw me for a curve when it comes to singing songs. I start reading through the list to sing for the day and all of the sudden...there is this song....I've never heard of it.
More often than not...these are songs that are written in the 1800's and let me say...I wasn't even thought of at that time. But some of our beloved basses love to pick on me and the older songs I don't know.
There are some that I truly love:
My hope is built....(This is my absolute FAVORITE!!!)
It is well with my soul
Paradise Valley
Those are just to name a few. I don't know if I should even go into naming the songs I don't like to sing. That ususally comes back to haunt me later. ;o)
So what are your favorite hymnal songs?
Our beloved worship misinster....bless his little heart....loves to throw me for a curve when it comes to singing songs. I start reading through the list to sing for the day and all of the sudden...there is this song....I've never heard of it.
More often than not...these are songs that are written in the 1800's and let me say...I wasn't even thought of at that time. But some of our beloved basses love to pick on me and the older songs I don't know.
There are some that I truly love:
My hope is built....(This is my absolute FAVORITE!!!)
It is well with my soul
Paradise Valley
Those are just to name a few. I don't know if I should even go into naming the songs I don't like to sing. That ususally comes back to haunt me later. ;o)
So what are your favorite hymnal songs?
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Humph!
Yesterday was the second round and of testing for Ian and let me say....."HE DOES NOT LIKE IT!" Wow! He was so angry when it was time to leave. They didn't get as much accomplished as they would have liked to, so we go back 2 more days next week. Not only frustrating for him, but us as well.
I needed something to hold onto so this is what they told me.
We know he definitely has Autism...just not sure what degree yet. The more we can get done during the testing...the more we will know.
He has a verbal learning disorder...which is totally opposite of what they were expecting. Most children with the symptoms he has, have a non-verbal learning disorder. However, he's never managed to fall into any certain category like everyone else. He's always the unique one. Go figure!
His IQ is very high. He is very smart, however, his brain doesn't allow him to do the normal everyday functions that other children can do on their own.
They've reassured me that Ian will be able to make it in a normal school with the appropriate classes. Of course we are talking special ed classes so we need to make sure by next year, we find a school that has a really good program. The options for Town & Country or Riverfield are still open, however, I may need to donate a lung or kidney or something to afford the tuition.
But here was the kicker.....
There is no cure
There is no medicine to help his condition
He will not outgrow it
It could get worse with age
So even when we get a firm diagnosis, we will be in no better shape than we were when we started this process. Other than we will finally know what is wrong, and we will have to learn to manage our lives around him and find ways to help him better deal with his disorders.
I don't want to sound discouraged. The Lord says do not be discouraged. I'm not. Does frustration fall into that same category??? ;o)
God wants the best for us. We are His children and we are unique and special in our own ways. We are like that because He designed us that way. When I get frustrated with my kids, I wonder how many times our Father has been frustrated with me?
I want to do what is right for Ian and give him the best care and love a mother ever could. Lately, I'm not really good at it. I want him to feel as special as my God makes me feel. I want Him to share in that same glory. He may never be normal...but then again...who really is?
I needed something to hold onto so this is what they told me.
We know he definitely has Autism...just not sure what degree yet. The more we can get done during the testing...the more we will know.
He has a verbal learning disorder...which is totally opposite of what they were expecting. Most children with the symptoms he has, have a non-verbal learning disorder. However, he's never managed to fall into any certain category like everyone else. He's always the unique one. Go figure!
His IQ is very high. He is very smart, however, his brain doesn't allow him to do the normal everyday functions that other children can do on their own.
They've reassured me that Ian will be able to make it in a normal school with the appropriate classes. Of course we are talking special ed classes so we need to make sure by next year, we find a school that has a really good program. The options for Town & Country or Riverfield are still open, however, I may need to donate a lung or kidney or something to afford the tuition.
But here was the kicker.....
There is no cure
There is no medicine to help his condition
He will not outgrow it
It could get worse with age
So even when we get a firm diagnosis, we will be in no better shape than we were when we started this process. Other than we will finally know what is wrong, and we will have to learn to manage our lives around him and find ways to help him better deal with his disorders.
I don't want to sound discouraged. The Lord says do not be discouraged. I'm not. Does frustration fall into that same category??? ;o)
God wants the best for us. We are His children and we are unique and special in our own ways. We are like that because He designed us that way. When I get frustrated with my kids, I wonder how many times our Father has been frustrated with me?
I want to do what is right for Ian and give him the best care and love a mother ever could. Lately, I'm not really good at it. I want him to feel as special as my God makes me feel. I want Him to share in that same glory. He may never be normal...but then again...who really is?
Monday, November 27, 2006
Brokenness...Poker...and Jerry Springer!
Each year I really don't look forward to the Thanksgiving holiday. Honestly, it means getting together with my family and sometimes, that just wears me out. Not that they are like anything off the Jerry Springer show...but sometimes....things just don't work out with everyone being together.
Right after high school I took a job here and decided college could wait until I was ready. 3 years later, I was married and starting a new chapter of life. What I think I missed out on was getting out of town, getting away from home, and really appreciating what I had here. Sometimes, it's difficult to appreciate something that you take for granted until it's gone. I've been married now for 12 years, I've moved 5 times, and I still live in the same square mile I grew up in. And I must say...it is also 1/2 a mile from my parents home as well.
I never had the opportunity to move away, and my family has never moved so we don't really appreciate that "away from home" feeling.
Living close doesn't always provide the best relationship possibilities.
My dad and I had a falling out last summer and truly, I don't know who is having the more difficult time getting over it. Me or Him. I think in my heart that both of us want to make amends, but we just don't know how. I feel like time will certainly heal this wound, but truly wish I could forget the words that were shared in anger.
So last Thursday I was not really excited about getting together. I had it in my mind to just go over for dinner, eat and leave. He sat at the head of the table, and I sat at the far end about 25 other people away. There was absolutely no way to communicate with my mom & dad during dinner, but had a nice time talking to my other relatives.
After dinner was over we did the usual "family photo" session and then most everyone was leaving around 2:00. Ian was having a difficult time with the whole "big family" thing so I took Ian and Chad home and came back to get the other two kids who desperately wanted to spend the night with Grandma and Papa.
My brother and sister in law are big into "poker" and teaching everyone else how to play. I for one have never been a fan of the game....mostly...because I don't know how to play. They invited me in to start a new game but I saw my dad was playing. I wasn't sure I wanted to sit through that for very long.
Then we all had to switch seats for a moment and next thing I know...I'm sitting here next to my dad as we are both learning to play this game together.
Now...I'm not good at it at all....my dad...is even worse. He's betting all his chips just because they are in front of him. What's he got to lose except chips anyway. The man bet every hand...never folded...and did pretty well.
So we sat there for what felt like an eternity...laughing....playing...laughing...playing until...well...of course, my brother....the di-hard poker player takes all our chips.
I guess the important thing is that we were spending some quality time together having fun and laughing. It's been over a year now that we've had any fun even being in the same room. So I can truly say that this year was something I really enjoyed.
Did we mend our brokenness with each other??? No. But I think it was a start.
I want things to be like they use to be in the past, but we can't change things that we are not willing to acknowledge. I think that begins with me. I pray God gives me that strength I need.
Right after high school I took a job here and decided college could wait until I was ready. 3 years later, I was married and starting a new chapter of life. What I think I missed out on was getting out of town, getting away from home, and really appreciating what I had here. Sometimes, it's difficult to appreciate something that you take for granted until it's gone. I've been married now for 12 years, I've moved 5 times, and I still live in the same square mile I grew up in. And I must say...it is also 1/2 a mile from my parents home as well.
I never had the opportunity to move away, and my family has never moved so we don't really appreciate that "away from home" feeling.
Living close doesn't always provide the best relationship possibilities.
My dad and I had a falling out last summer and truly, I don't know who is having the more difficult time getting over it. Me or Him. I think in my heart that both of us want to make amends, but we just don't know how. I feel like time will certainly heal this wound, but truly wish I could forget the words that were shared in anger.
So last Thursday I was not really excited about getting together. I had it in my mind to just go over for dinner, eat and leave. He sat at the head of the table, and I sat at the far end about 25 other people away. There was absolutely no way to communicate with my mom & dad during dinner, but had a nice time talking to my other relatives.
After dinner was over we did the usual "family photo" session and then most everyone was leaving around 2:00. Ian was having a difficult time with the whole "big family" thing so I took Ian and Chad home and came back to get the other two kids who desperately wanted to spend the night with Grandma and Papa.
My brother and sister in law are big into "poker" and teaching everyone else how to play. I for one have never been a fan of the game....mostly...because I don't know how to play. They invited me in to start a new game but I saw my dad was playing. I wasn't sure I wanted to sit through that for very long.
Then we all had to switch seats for a moment and next thing I know...I'm sitting here next to my dad as we are both learning to play this game together.
Now...I'm not good at it at all....my dad...is even worse. He's betting all his chips just because they are in front of him. What's he got to lose except chips anyway. The man bet every hand...never folded...and did pretty well.
So we sat there for what felt like an eternity...laughing....playing...laughing...playing until...well...of course, my brother....the di-hard poker player takes all our chips.
I guess the important thing is that we were spending some quality time together having fun and laughing. It's been over a year now that we've had any fun even being in the same room. So I can truly say that this year was something I really enjoyed.
Did we mend our brokenness with each other??? No. But I think it was a start.
I want things to be like they use to be in the past, but we can't change things that we are not willing to acknowledge. I think that begins with me. I pray God gives me that strength I need.
Another day of testing....
I'll shre some of my favorite Theresa pics as well. FAB job my friend! 
This weekend was just a bit exhausting at work so today I am really tired. Yet...I continue to get up at 5:30am. Not sure exactly why....just routine. There's no such thing as sleeping in for me. ;o) But I enjoy the mornings and the quiet time I get to have my devotinals.
Today is our second round of testing for Ian. I know selfishly I would just like to walk in today and hear "no need....we have a diagnosis" but I know it doesn't come that easy. These test make the day SO LONG but I can rest in comfort knowing that today is the LAST of the longest days of testing. Anything after this will be short moments of testing. I look forward to when I can blog about something more solid.
Emilie has her last Orthopedic appointment today to see how the new growth on her arm has healed.I'm so excited that her arm is doing better.
Finals are coming up and I'm a bit nervous. It seems sometimes there are not enough hours in the day to study for it and then I wonder if I can retain all fo the information. No wonder I have migrains huh? Ha!
So I'm off for the day...excited for all the wonderful possibilites that God has lined up for me. Could be just another day...but truly, that statement doesn't exist for me. ;o)
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Happiness...and Sadness...all at once!
I got my Christmas present early this year. Actually....the day before Thanksgiving. I'll give you a hint...it has 4 wheels...is all black...has black leather interior...and a 6 disc CD changer. As it was something I didn't need....I will say I was surprised and love it!
However.....
Today, I dropped my cell phone in water. Um...I don't think I'm allowed to get a replacement for a while. Unfortunately, it's the only phone I ever use. I must learn now how to be quiet and spend less time on the phone.
I know this just opened up some comments for some of you....all I can say is practice restraint!;o) LOL!
However.....
Today, I dropped my cell phone in water. Um...I don't think I'm allowed to get a replacement for a while. Unfortunately, it's the only phone I ever use. I must learn now how to be quiet and spend less time on the phone.
I know this just opened up some comments for some of you....all I can say is practice restraint!;o) LOL!
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
What does God control?
I have no idea even how to start this blog.
I was having a very nice conversation with someone today about our son. She said to me:
"I don't know what you did to have a child like this"
I was so confused as to what she meant. When I asked her to elaborate she said:
"Well you have to had done something. Kids aren't just like this for no reason"
I explained to her that I believe we were given the kids we have because God trust us enough to take care of them like nobody else could. He knew us before we knew ourselves and that He gave us the family we have so that we would in turn....teach them to glorify Him and raise them up right.
Well....the conversation went south for me at that point. She says:
"I don't believe that. I believe there is a beginning and an end and God is a part of that. Everything else here on earth is done by choice and God has nothing to do with it."
I was dumbfounded!!! I honestly did not know what to say. I was lost. She believes that my children are the way they are because of something that I did here on earth to make them this way.
Wow....I could go on and on with this forever, but in my anger now...I will trust as I know how much my God loves me. I know He doesn't not punish us. I know that I do not have that kind of power to do the things she gave me credit for. I am strong enough to continue loving her and praying that God will open her eyes and pray that she will not pass blame onto me for the disabilities that my child suffers.
God I know you love me and I know you have all the power here on this earth and beyond. I know that you made my children special just for me and God I thank you for them! I thank you for their special needs and I thank you for trusting us to take care of them here on earth. You are the God of all greatness and I see your miracles every day. I pray God that she will see those too and know that YOU are in control of our lives...regardless of what the outcome may be. We know that you have the ultimate power and I pray God that in my conversations with her that you help me control my tongue and give me the correct words to communicate Your love for her as well. Amen
I was having a very nice conversation with someone today about our son. She said to me:
"I don't know what you did to have a child like this"
I was so confused as to what she meant. When I asked her to elaborate she said:
"Well you have to had done something. Kids aren't just like this for no reason"
I explained to her that I believe we were given the kids we have because God trust us enough to take care of them like nobody else could. He knew us before we knew ourselves and that He gave us the family we have so that we would in turn....teach them to glorify Him and raise them up right.
Well....the conversation went south for me at that point. She says:
"I don't believe that. I believe there is a beginning and an end and God is a part of that. Everything else here on earth is done by choice and God has nothing to do with it."
I was dumbfounded!!! I honestly did not know what to say. I was lost. She believes that my children are the way they are because of something that I did here on earth to make them this way.
Wow....I could go on and on with this forever, but in my anger now...I will trust as I know how much my God loves me. I know He doesn't not punish us. I know that I do not have that kind of power to do the things she gave me credit for. I am strong enough to continue loving her and praying that God will open her eyes and pray that she will not pass blame onto me for the disabilities that my child suffers.
God I know you love me and I know you have all the power here on this earth and beyond. I know that you made my children special just for me and God I thank you for them! I thank you for their special needs and I thank you for trusting us to take care of them here on earth. You are the God of all greatness and I see your miracles every day. I pray God that she will see those too and know that YOU are in control of our lives...regardless of what the outcome may be. We know that you have the ultimate power and I pray God that in my conversations with her that you help me control my tongue and give me the correct words to communicate Your love for her as well. Amen
Monday, November 20, 2006
More on that last post....
Okay...so my morning bible study challenged me last Friday. It wasn't what I expected to read at all and since I took on an extra shift and day at work this week....I didn't have time to just sit and ponder over this and pray about it in regards to my life.
Do you ever think at times that God just has picked YOU to do something that you really feel like isn't you?
Boy! I do! I find myself all too often telling God I'm not cut out for this or that...and then I'll wait. I'll wait for the "better" person to step up to do the job instead of me.
So where would we be today if Moses had done what I did? 3 times Moses told the Lord he could not do want he wanted him to do. "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue" (Exodus 4:10 ). But what did God do??? He developed a plan for Moses. Just like He does for us.
I can't tell you the countless times I have said "Lord...you've got the wrong person for this" but yet He always makes it clear to me WHY he has chosen me.
Being the mother of a child with a mental disability...I've said "Why did He choose me for this"
And the fact is....I know he chose me for so many reasons. Not sure I can always see what HE sees in me...but I know that he equipped me long before I ever thought of having kids to be able to cope and deal with this.
Going into the medical profession I often wonder..."Am I the right person for this" and then He showes me how I am able to help in some unbelievable situations.
Sometimes, I...like Moses....just don't have the right words to speak and ask Him or adequately tell him what I'm trying to communicate. But I know that God knows my fears before I come to Him. All I have to do is come.
The struggles this week are becoming ever more clear. New things have popped up that totally blindsided us. Nothing that I can't accomplish...it's just puts another spark in the flame...and that's okay. I know he has a plan and I have a plan...which is to follow HIS plan!
Psalm 20:4 May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.
All my plans my not succeed in my book...but I believe they follow His plan. Now...my job...is to work with Him in obedience to what He has given me to do...and follow His plan. I think that's how both of us can come together.
Not sure I am communicating very well what my heart is going through...but it's worth a shot!
Do you ever think at times that God just has picked YOU to do something that you really feel like isn't you?
Boy! I do! I find myself all too often telling God I'm not cut out for this or that...and then I'll wait. I'll wait for the "better" person to step up to do the job instead of me.
So where would we be today if Moses had done what I did? 3 times Moses told the Lord he could not do want he wanted him to do. "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue" (Exodus 4:10 ). But what did God do??? He developed a plan for Moses. Just like He does for us.
I can't tell you the countless times I have said "Lord...you've got the wrong person for this" but yet He always makes it clear to me WHY he has chosen me.
Being the mother of a child with a mental disability...I've said "Why did He choose me for this"
And the fact is....I know he chose me for so many reasons. Not sure I can always see what HE sees in me...but I know that he equipped me long before I ever thought of having kids to be able to cope and deal with this.
Going into the medical profession I often wonder..."Am I the right person for this" and then He showes me how I am able to help in some unbelievable situations.
Sometimes, I...like Moses....just don't have the right words to speak and ask Him or adequately tell him what I'm trying to communicate. But I know that God knows my fears before I come to Him. All I have to do is come.
The struggles this week are becoming ever more clear. New things have popped up that totally blindsided us. Nothing that I can't accomplish...it's just puts another spark in the flame...and that's okay. I know he has a plan and I have a plan...which is to follow HIS plan!
Psalm 20:4 May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.
All my plans my not succeed in my book...but I believe they follow His plan. Now...my job...is to work with Him in obedience to what He has given me to do...and follow His plan. I think that's how both of us can come together.
Not sure I am communicating very well what my heart is going through...but it's worth a shot!
Friday, November 17, 2006
What does God want?
Does he want our "obedience" or our "ability"?
What are your thoughts? Think about this and Moses!
What are your thoughts? Think about this and Moses!
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
First phase of testing is underway....
It was an exhausting day of testing for Ian...as well as me. But I can only imagine that his brain was in overload this afternoon. He came home complaining of a terrible headache. I can only imagine.
I was comforted in speaking to the doctor today that there is hope. Hope that we will finally...after 11 years...make a firm diagnosis on Ian. Not that there will be only one...but could be several firm ones.
She gave me a ton of homework to do and I was eager to get started. As I got into the first hour of it, I was already exhausted. The information I had to recall and the things I had to write down on paper were not encouraging at all. I started to get discouraged. But I kept going and finished all of it in time to turn it back in before we left. She said..."Oh wow! You get a gold star for completing it today" and I said "You have no idea how eager I am to get this done".
However, she confirmed that there is no way we can just do this in 2 appointments. It's impossible for him to complete it. So we will be making several trips.
She gave me a couple of things we are possibly looking at and I won't say them until we have a firm diagnosis. I hope to know something before Christmas. I won't say that it doesn't hurt, because it does. Everyone wants the best for their child...the perfect child...well...I have a perfect child!
I just have to come to the realization that Ian will always be a special child in more ways than one. He will always have special needs...we will just have to accommodate him. The hard part for me will be asking others to make special accommodations for him.
God makes everyone special but He made him extra special just for us. We just have to find ways to make life a little more special for him so he can enjoy life to the fullest.
I was comforted in speaking to the doctor today that there is hope. Hope that we will finally...after 11 years...make a firm diagnosis on Ian. Not that there will be only one...but could be several firm ones.
She gave me a ton of homework to do and I was eager to get started. As I got into the first hour of it, I was already exhausted. The information I had to recall and the things I had to write down on paper were not encouraging at all. I started to get discouraged. But I kept going and finished all of it in time to turn it back in before we left. She said..."Oh wow! You get a gold star for completing it today" and I said "You have no idea how eager I am to get this done".
However, she confirmed that there is no way we can just do this in 2 appointments. It's impossible for him to complete it. So we will be making several trips.
She gave me a couple of things we are possibly looking at and I won't say them until we have a firm diagnosis. I hope to know something before Christmas. I won't say that it doesn't hurt, because it does. Everyone wants the best for their child...the perfect child...well...I have a perfect child!
I just have to come to the realization that Ian will always be a special child in more ways than one. He will always have special needs...we will just have to accommodate him. The hard part for me will be asking others to make special accommodations for him.
God makes everyone special but He made him extra special just for us. We just have to find ways to make life a little more special for him so he can enjoy life to the fullest.
Surprise Problem?
I don't like to use those two words but they came up as one of my questions this morning in my bible study.
"Have you had a 'surprise' problem lately?"
Well, I had to really think about this one. I could almost point out a problem everyday that I'm surprised about. This morning it was not enough flour to make waffles. Yesterday...it was no Diet Dr. Pepper and no cash in my pocket. And tomorrow I'm sure it will be something else. At work...well...I have LOTS of surprise problems that I'm not expecting. Everyday, a new surprise will appear. It's how we deal with those.
For me, I don't always do what I should. I'm a jumper! I like to jump right in there, fix the problem, and then move on. That way, the problem no longer exists and I know that it was done well. Why? Because I fixed it. I am in control.
But how many times do we rely on God to fix our 'surprises' of the day? I mean...even not having enough flour!! Did I go to God with that? Not really? Okay...maybe I said..."Lord, please let me find something else for my poor starving children so they aren't angry they are not getting waffles"....but yeah...I still don't think that is exactly what my study was trying to say this morning.
Do we listen to the Holy Spirit whispering promises to us? Well...I don't think I really thought about it until I was driving back home from dropping the kids off. That's my quiet time with God. Did I pray for more flour??? No...because I knew that wouldn't happen. Did God know my heart really wanted to find something to make the kids happy? Yes, I believe he did. Does He know I'm doing the best I can? Yes..but I feel He probably thinks I can do better.
But what exactly is it that the Holy Spirit would be promising?
* "I will never leave you or forsake you" (Deuteronomy 31:6).
* "As your days, so shall your strength be" (Deuteronomy 33:25).
* "And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory forever and forever" (Philippians 4:19).
* "Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand" (Isaiah 41:10).
What those kind of verses....do I even need to question it? Probably not! ;o)
Have you had any 'surprises' sneak up on you lately?
"Have you had a 'surprise' problem lately?"
Well, I had to really think about this one. I could almost point out a problem everyday that I'm surprised about. This morning it was not enough flour to make waffles. Yesterday...it was no Diet Dr. Pepper and no cash in my pocket. And tomorrow I'm sure it will be something else. At work...well...I have LOTS of surprise problems that I'm not expecting. Everyday, a new surprise will appear. It's how we deal with those.
For me, I don't always do what I should. I'm a jumper! I like to jump right in there, fix the problem, and then move on. That way, the problem no longer exists and I know that it was done well. Why? Because I fixed it. I am in control.
But how many times do we rely on God to fix our 'surprises' of the day? I mean...even not having enough flour!! Did I go to God with that? Not really? Okay...maybe I said..."Lord, please let me find something else for my poor starving children so they aren't angry they are not getting waffles"....but yeah...I still don't think that is exactly what my study was trying to say this morning.
Do we listen to the Holy Spirit whispering promises to us? Well...I don't think I really thought about it until I was driving back home from dropping the kids off. That's my quiet time with God. Did I pray for more flour??? No...because I knew that wouldn't happen. Did God know my heart really wanted to find something to make the kids happy? Yes, I believe he did. Does He know I'm doing the best I can? Yes..but I feel He probably thinks I can do better.
But what exactly is it that the Holy Spirit would be promising?
* "I will never leave you or forsake you" (Deuteronomy 31:6).
* "As your days, so shall your strength be" (Deuteronomy 33:25).
* "And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory forever and forever" (Philippians 4:19).
* "Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand" (Isaiah 41:10).
What those kind of verses....do I even need to question it? Probably not! ;o)
Have you had any 'surprises' sneak up on you lately?
Monday, November 13, 2006
Testing day!
Tomorrow we take Ian in for his first set of neurological testing. My heart hurts about this.
Don't get me wrong, I really am ready for it....but it will be hard to hear the results.
After talking to a friend and co-worker, I took a different step in hopefully the right direction.
I called special Olympics to see about getting Ian into a sport. Now...as that doesn't sound very difficult, as a parent, it really is. I think we have been in denial for so long that it is time to step out of the box we have been living in...ore moreso....hiding in and find a place where Ian fits in.
After I hung up the phone, I called Chad to where I got very emotional about this. I think reality sometimes just hurts. I want to help him, but it comes back to my selfishness and being on my terms. I have to get over that.
I want to do anything I can to help him and children like him get what they need. A life well deserved. He has no friends and that is so hard for me to sit back and watch. I love him dearly and want him to have the best life possible. That means I have to swallow my pride and quit thinking about what I want, and do what ultimately is best for him.
I'm sure there's some biblical truth in that!
Don't get me wrong, I really am ready for it....but it will be hard to hear the results.
After talking to a friend and co-worker, I took a different step in hopefully the right direction.
I called special Olympics to see about getting Ian into a sport. Now...as that doesn't sound very difficult, as a parent, it really is. I think we have been in denial for so long that it is time to step out of the box we have been living in...ore moreso....hiding in and find a place where Ian fits in.
After I hung up the phone, I called Chad to where I got very emotional about this. I think reality sometimes just hurts. I want to help him, but it comes back to my selfishness and being on my terms. I have to get over that.
I want to do anything I can to help him and children like him get what they need. A life well deserved. He has no friends and that is so hard for me to sit back and watch. I love him dearly and want him to have the best life possible. That means I have to swallow my pride and quit thinking about what I want, and do what ultimately is best for him.
I'm sure there's some biblical truth in that!
I called Jenny!
I went to weigh in this morning and I've lost 3 more pounds! Yay!!! If I had only lost 2 more ounces, I would have lost a total of 20 lbs! Well...I'll settle for the 19 pounds I have lost along with the many inches I am shedding. I was excited to fit into a new pair of jeans 2 sizes smaller! I look forward to shedding the other 30 I'm trying to lose! It will be tough....but I'm doing it! I will feel so much better when I can start really seeing the results with my own eyes and not being so critical of myself.
Friday, November 10, 2006
In-ted-gritty
Conversations with Emilie:
Emilie: Mom...I know what In-ted-gritty is.
Mom: Okay...what is it.
Emilie: It's when you do somebody's elses wrong better.
Mom: I'm not sure that's quite right.
Emilie: Yeah it is....When someone is doing something wrong, you do it better.
Mom: Do you mean When someone is doing wrong...you do the right thing anyway?
Emilie: Okay mom...I mean....When someone does something wrong, I make sure I do the same thing...I just do it better than they did!
Oi!!!
Emilie: Mom...I know what In-ted-gritty is.
Mom: Okay...what is it.
Emilie: It's when you do somebody's elses wrong better.
Mom: I'm not sure that's quite right.
Emilie: Yeah it is....When someone is doing something wrong, you do it better.
Mom: Do you mean When someone is doing wrong...you do the right thing anyway?
Emilie: Okay mom...I mean....When someone does something wrong, I make sure I do the same thing...I just do it better than they did!
Oi!!!
Thursday, November 09, 2006
I'm not what I could be....
I am often guilty of going to God only in the difficult times. Hard situations make me rely on Him more often. I find myself talking to Him more when I'm down, rather than rejoicing His name when I'm up.
I know I'm not the only person that does this. However, it's something about me that I want to change.
The past two months in our home has been very difficult. At times, I felt like I was at the end of my rope and even turning to God wouldn't help. In fact, I blamed Him for many things that were happening in our lives. As I look back...I see how foolish that really was. However, I know I have a God who can handle my anger. He's just big enough for that! ;o)
This morning I was driving the kids to school and notice a very unusual peaceful feeling in the car. It's one that I don't find often. As the kids got to school I got my usual hugs and kisses and watched them walk away. All smiling, all happy, and me....well...I was pondering the moment. It's those peaceful moments of the day that I long for. I don't get very many....and I'm not complaining.
When driving back home, I had about 20 minutes to myself. 20 minutes I could use to be grateful to God for all the things I have and the happiness he brings. To thank Him for these peaceful moments of rest he has allowed me over the past week or so. I think He knew I needed a break. In fact...He probably knows a lot more than I give him credit for.
I'm not the best mother in the world, but I do try. There are days I don't want to try. I don't want to think about it. But today isn't one of those. Today I am joyful for the children I have and small glimpses of light and hope that God gives me into their future.
I'm not the best wife in the world, but I do try. Again, there are days I don't want to try or think about it....but today isn't one of those. I'm so proud of the husband I have and the love and support he gives me. I can't imagine my life without him. Some day's...I don't feel good enough for him...but he never makes me feel that way. He is so special to me.
I'm not best Christian I could be. I try...but I don't try as hard as I could. I don't put as much time and energy into being a christian as I do being a wife and mother. I think that since it is something that I am....then it should already be easy. Nope....it's not. It too needs work.
Maybe if I got my priorities straight, many things would be much easier.
For today, I thank God for the moments of grace He allows me and the peace that He put in my heart. Life is not easy, and Satan will attack me for sure....but I know with His love and mercy, He will help strengthen me into the woman I really need to be.
I know I'm not the only person that does this. However, it's something about me that I want to change.
The past two months in our home has been very difficult. At times, I felt like I was at the end of my rope and even turning to God wouldn't help. In fact, I blamed Him for many things that were happening in our lives. As I look back...I see how foolish that really was. However, I know I have a God who can handle my anger. He's just big enough for that! ;o)
This morning I was driving the kids to school and notice a very unusual peaceful feeling in the car. It's one that I don't find often. As the kids got to school I got my usual hugs and kisses and watched them walk away. All smiling, all happy, and me....well...I was pondering the moment. It's those peaceful moments of the day that I long for. I don't get very many....and I'm not complaining.
When driving back home, I had about 20 minutes to myself. 20 minutes I could use to be grateful to God for all the things I have and the happiness he brings. To thank Him for these peaceful moments of rest he has allowed me over the past week or so. I think He knew I needed a break. In fact...He probably knows a lot more than I give him credit for.
I'm not the best mother in the world, but I do try. There are days I don't want to try. I don't want to think about it. But today isn't one of those. Today I am joyful for the children I have and small glimpses of light and hope that God gives me into their future.
I'm not the best wife in the world, but I do try. Again, there are days I don't want to try or think about it....but today isn't one of those. I'm so proud of the husband I have and the love and support he gives me. I can't imagine my life without him. Some day's...I don't feel good enough for him...but he never makes me feel that way. He is so special to me.
I'm not best Christian I could be. I try...but I don't try as hard as I could. I don't put as much time and energy into being a christian as I do being a wife and mother. I think that since it is something that I am....then it should already be easy. Nope....it's not. It too needs work.
Maybe if I got my priorities straight, many things would be much easier.
For today, I thank God for the moments of grace He allows me and the peace that He put in my heart. Life is not easy, and Satan will attack me for sure....but I know with His love and mercy, He will help strengthen me into the woman I really need to be.
Friday, November 03, 2006
Heartstopper!!!
Thanks to Theresa....I just LOVE this picture. Although...it makes me feel like one of these days we are going to be in trouble by this little one!!!
Thursday, November 02, 2006
You knew I'd blog about it!!!!!
Psalm 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield;my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.
Tonight I had the most awesome experience worshipping with our praise team. Shane began by telling us we were going to have a short practice this evening and we were going out to the prayer tower to do something special. I was excited as I LOVE to sing in the tower and I knew no matter what...we would end the night in the tower. It just sounds SOOOO beautiful out there. It's totally a different feeling.
So we end quite early...even after having a great rehearsal and walk to the tower. When we arrived...I couldn't believe my eyes. There was a table set up for communion.
Psalm 107:21-22
21 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men. 22 Let them sacrifice thank offerings and tell of his works with songs of joy.
I can only tell you that my heart began to beat faster and my hands began to shake. I couldn't believe that finally I was going to be able to take communion with my church family once again. I've been working since July so I have been unable to make it to a Sunday service. But this was no ordinary communion service. It was precious as the thoughts that were shared by each person as God placed something on their heart.
Eagerly I couldn't wait to break the bread...as I walked to the table, my hands were shaking more and more. My heart was beating faster. Why? What was God placing on my heart. The tears were flowing from my eyes. I think Cheryl may have noticed me shaking and came to pour the blood of Jesus for me. I am glad she came to the table with me.
The night continued with heartfelt words and song and ending with of course "There's no God like Jehovah". Ha! That made me laugh but I was ready to dance along as well.
I am so excited tonight. It was more than communion for me. It was being with family. It was celebrating His love and His life for us together. I can't think of a better moment. I couldn't help but cry tonight as I felt God's love pouring through everyone in the tower. Again, I thank God for this moment. I thank God for every moment He allows me to celebrate with my church family. And to think...I almost DID NOT show up tonight because of a migrain. God works in great ways!!!
Psalm 7:17
I will give thanks to the LORD because of his righteousness and will sing praise to the name of the LORD Most High.
This moment tonight is one that I will cherish forever. Knowing we came together as a group, as friends, as family and broke bread together was priceless. I love this group.
The LORD is my strength and my shield;my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.
Tonight I had the most awesome experience worshipping with our praise team. Shane began by telling us we were going to have a short practice this evening and we were going out to the prayer tower to do something special. I was excited as I LOVE to sing in the tower and I knew no matter what...we would end the night in the tower. It just sounds SOOOO beautiful out there. It's totally a different feeling.
So we end quite early...even after having a great rehearsal and walk to the tower. When we arrived...I couldn't believe my eyes. There was a table set up for communion.
Psalm 107:21-22
21 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men. 22 Let them sacrifice thank offerings and tell of his works with songs of joy.
I can only tell you that my heart began to beat faster and my hands began to shake. I couldn't believe that finally I was going to be able to take communion with my church family once again. I've been working since July so I have been unable to make it to a Sunday service. But this was no ordinary communion service. It was precious as the thoughts that were shared by each person as God placed something on their heart.
Eagerly I couldn't wait to break the bread...as I walked to the table, my hands were shaking more and more. My heart was beating faster. Why? What was God placing on my heart. The tears were flowing from my eyes. I think Cheryl may have noticed me shaking and came to pour the blood of Jesus for me. I am glad she came to the table with me.
The night continued with heartfelt words and song and ending with of course "There's no God like Jehovah". Ha! That made me laugh but I was ready to dance along as well.
I am so excited tonight. It was more than communion for me. It was being with family. It was celebrating His love and His life for us together. I can't think of a better moment. I couldn't help but cry tonight as I felt God's love pouring through everyone in the tower. Again, I thank God for this moment. I thank God for every moment He allows me to celebrate with my church family. And to think...I almost DID NOT show up tonight because of a migrain. God works in great ways!!!
Psalm 7:17
I will give thanks to the LORD because of his righteousness and will sing praise to the name of the LORD Most High.
This moment tonight is one that I will cherish forever. Knowing we came together as a group, as friends, as family and broke bread together was priceless. I love this group.
What is a mother to do????
Emilie had her cast removed Monday. YAY!!!!
She broke her thumb on her other hand last night!!!! Oi!
She broke her thumb on her other hand last night!!!! Oi!
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Monday, October 30, 2006
Obligation or not?
I had this interesting thought today. Do you think some people go to chruch out of obligation or choice?
Here are my thoughts.....
It occured to me yesterday when speaking to someone that they truly didn't appreciate church that much. I'm not trying to be judgemental or anything, it was just an observation. Everything we talked about, they had a complaint about in their home church. Even when I suggested relocating and trying to find a new church home....all the same comments came back at me.
They said that they went to church because they know it's the right thing to do. They know that God wants us to be there and we should reserve a day for Him and celebrate Him.
Well....okay....but my outloud thought was....."Then you are going out of obligation to God."
Surprisingly, they said Yes. They feel obligated to go...but are unhappy.
I know the grass isn't greener on the other side but if you are truly miserable...then why wouldn't you take a chance on finding what you need to be closer to Him somewhere else?
What really amazes me is that people don't realize what they've got until it's gone. For instance....my job. I have a hole left in my heart every Sunday from not being able to attend church. However, God fills that hole with the miricales I see everyweekend before me.
No...it's not the same...but I believe he puts that in front of me so I can witness Him at work. Weather He takes them home to be with Him or when He heals them enough to go home.
There are aspects I miss tremendously......but most of all....my communion moments with Him. What a blessing it is to be able to share in the breaking of the bread with your brothers and sisters as you celebrate together. How can someone not miss this. Their anger and frustration mask their feelings for the Father.
I'm not sure I helped make a difference in this persons life or not,but I can not go without saying I tried my best. Each life that is lived is one that has purpose and meaning. I just hope they know how much He loves us and not let their anger and frustration take over.
Here are my thoughts.....
It occured to me yesterday when speaking to someone that they truly didn't appreciate church that much. I'm not trying to be judgemental or anything, it was just an observation. Everything we talked about, they had a complaint about in their home church. Even when I suggested relocating and trying to find a new church home....all the same comments came back at me.
They said that they went to church because they know it's the right thing to do. They know that God wants us to be there and we should reserve a day for Him and celebrate Him.
Well....okay....but my outloud thought was....."Then you are going out of obligation to God."
Surprisingly, they said Yes. They feel obligated to go...but are unhappy.
I know the grass isn't greener on the other side but if you are truly miserable...then why wouldn't you take a chance on finding what you need to be closer to Him somewhere else?
What really amazes me is that people don't realize what they've got until it's gone. For instance....my job. I have a hole left in my heart every Sunday from not being able to attend church. However, God fills that hole with the miricales I see everyweekend before me.
No...it's not the same...but I believe he puts that in front of me so I can witness Him at work. Weather He takes them home to be with Him or when He heals them enough to go home.
There are aspects I miss tremendously......but most of all....my communion moments with Him. What a blessing it is to be able to share in the breaking of the bread with your brothers and sisters as you celebrate together. How can someone not miss this. Their anger and frustration mask their feelings for the Father.
I'm not sure I helped make a difference in this persons life or not,but I can not go without saying I tried my best. Each life that is lived is one that has purpose and meaning. I just hope they know how much He loves us and not let their anger and frustration take over.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Excitement!!!!
Today was such an awesome day! Let me fill ya in!
There is the good and the bad!
The bad news is....
Ian was caught cheating on a test.
The good news is this....
The teacher took the test away from him and was going to give him a zero. But she waited a while and then gave him the test later and he passed the test!!! 87%!!! YAY!!!!
Then it gets better....
Not only did he pass one test...he passed 3!!! All 3 of them with a "B". That means he retained the information!!!
So now on his report card...instead of a D...he will come home with a B!!!
This week has been so much better. We've had a couple of meltdowns but overall....we've worked through them.
Chad and I really compliment each other on that. When our patience runs thin....the other one comes in and takes over. It really works out great.
All I can say is that GOD IS GOOD!!! When I was feeling dispair...He came through for not only me...but for Ian as well.
I know we still have a long road ahead....but I have been holding out for just a small ray of sunshine! TODAY WE GOT IT!
Friday, October 20, 2006
Interesting...
Last night was very interesting...I came home from Praise Team rehearsal just exhausted. Honestly, I love my Thursday nights so much.
So when I get home, I see Emilie asleep on the couch with Chad. I carry her up to bed when she begs me to lay with her for a few moments. So I agree.
The few moments turned into at least an hour because Ian kept coming in and talking to me and waking her back up.
Without getting angry...I just decided to listen to him each time...but each time kept getting longer and longer. Most of the time I lose my cool right about now...but I was just too tired...and I really wanted to see what was so important to him.
My in-laws had given each of the kids a bag of candy....he didn't want it and offered it to me. I didn't want it but I suggested that he offer it to his sister. Without hesitation....he walked around her bed and offered her the bag of candy. She happily accepted and he put it on her nightstand.
Right next to the candy...he saw she had dumped out all her change from her allowance. He was overwhelmed at how much was there. His eyes got huge and he said "Wow Emilie....way to go on the money! That's great! Way to go!" and gave her a high 5 with a big smile on his face. She laid her head back down and as he is walking away, he looked at me and said "Mom...I'm really proud of her...that's great!"
About 5 minutes later...he comes back.
"Mom...I wrote a new song. Do you want to hear it?" I was so tired and trying to get Emilie back to sleep, but I decided to listen anyway. Actually, I was quite impressed with the lyrics he wrote and then half way into it he says "Oh...and if I had a band....right now there would be a guitar solo." I could only giggle in my mind at how cute that was. But still...I was highly impressed with the lyrics.
About 5 minutes later....he is back!
"Mom...I think I need another kiss Codington" So I give him a big hug and kiss. Then he says...."Mom...Do you think we could get commoner catipillars so we can hatch more butterflies?" I told him we have to wait until spring now.
Finally...he goes to bed. He just always has a million questions.
When Chad and I went to bed, I talked to him about maybe getting Ian a small pet of his own to take care of. He has such a nurturing heart that I think it maybe good for him to have something of his own to take care of.
I have NOOOO idea what a good small pet would be for him. I said it would have to be something he could hold and something that wouldn't bite. Chad says I've ruled out a lot of the small animal category. Especially since I don't want another dog and he is allergic to cats.
If you have ideas for a good pet for a kid....feel free to share them with me.
Today, I think we will go hiking together with my in-laws. That would be fun!
So when I get home, I see Emilie asleep on the couch with Chad. I carry her up to bed when she begs me to lay with her for a few moments. So I agree.
The few moments turned into at least an hour because Ian kept coming in and talking to me and waking her back up.
Without getting angry...I just decided to listen to him each time...but each time kept getting longer and longer. Most of the time I lose my cool right about now...but I was just too tired...and I really wanted to see what was so important to him.
My in-laws had given each of the kids a bag of candy....he didn't want it and offered it to me. I didn't want it but I suggested that he offer it to his sister. Without hesitation....he walked around her bed and offered her the bag of candy. She happily accepted and he put it on her nightstand.
Right next to the candy...he saw she had dumped out all her change from her allowance. He was overwhelmed at how much was there. His eyes got huge and he said "Wow Emilie....way to go on the money! That's great! Way to go!" and gave her a high 5 with a big smile on his face. She laid her head back down and as he is walking away, he looked at me and said "Mom...I'm really proud of her...that's great!"
About 5 minutes later...he comes back.
"Mom...I wrote a new song. Do you want to hear it?" I was so tired and trying to get Emilie back to sleep, but I decided to listen anyway. Actually, I was quite impressed with the lyrics he wrote and then half way into it he says "Oh...and if I had a band....right now there would be a guitar solo." I could only giggle in my mind at how cute that was. But still...I was highly impressed with the lyrics.
About 5 minutes later....he is back!
"Mom...I think I need another kiss Codington" So I give him a big hug and kiss. Then he says...."Mom...Do you think we could get commoner catipillars so we can hatch more butterflies?" I told him we have to wait until spring now.
Finally...he goes to bed. He just always has a million questions.
When Chad and I went to bed, I talked to him about maybe getting Ian a small pet of his own to take care of. He has such a nurturing heart that I think it maybe good for him to have something of his own to take care of.
I have NOOOO idea what a good small pet would be for him. I said it would have to be something he could hold and something that wouldn't bite. Chad says I've ruled out a lot of the small animal category. Especially since I don't want another dog and he is allergic to cats.
If you have ideas for a good pet for a kid....feel free to share them with me.
Today, I think we will go hiking together with my in-laws. That would be fun!
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Light at the end of the tunnel?
The past two days have been a bit better than this past week. I've taken some things away from Ian and that has been the best punishment for now.
Today a new Dr. called me to tell me she is going to work with Ian and see what we can find out. Why exactly he is regressing instead of progressing. So after speaking with her, I felt a bit ecouraged. Testing will beging in mid Novemeber. Each appointment is 31/2 hours long so I hope Ian can handle it.
My attitude has been much different over the past couple of days. It hasn't been very productive for me to get mad at God. Instead, He has opened avenues for me this week that I was not aware of.
It's hard to be faithful in my prayers when I feel like I'm always asking for the same thing. Maybe I'm not asking for the right thing. I feel like my heart is back on track, but my mind still wants to get the best of me. It's easy for me to get frustrated about this whole situation. It makes me wonder if I myself ever frustrate my Father in Heaven. I don't know if he gets frustrated. I think maybe sad. I want my heart and my mind to be on the same path and there are just days that are not so easy.
I'm glad I have a Father that understands and loves me regardless.
Today a new Dr. called me to tell me she is going to work with Ian and see what we can find out. Why exactly he is regressing instead of progressing. So after speaking with her, I felt a bit ecouraged. Testing will beging in mid Novemeber. Each appointment is 31/2 hours long so I hope Ian can handle it.
My attitude has been much different over the past couple of days. It hasn't been very productive for me to get mad at God. Instead, He has opened avenues for me this week that I was not aware of.
It's hard to be faithful in my prayers when I feel like I'm always asking for the same thing. Maybe I'm not asking for the right thing. I feel like my heart is back on track, but my mind still wants to get the best of me. It's easy for me to get frustrated about this whole situation. It makes me wonder if I myself ever frustrate my Father in Heaven. I don't know if he gets frustrated. I think maybe sad. I want my heart and my mind to be on the same path and there are just days that are not so easy.
I'm glad I have a Father that understands and loves me regardless.
Monday, October 16, 2006
The days of our lives....
Or should I say as the world turns....Could be young and restless too...I have no idea.
Last night I got home to find that Ian had taken a knife to his clothes and cut them up. What would ever possess a child to do this? I have no idea. I hate to even put it down on my blog as I feel it defines him as a person. I know it's not him or his usual behavior. But now...I have to make sure every knife and sizzors are put up in the house. Not that I fear him hurting anyone or himself, but I can't afford to buy new things all the time.
So then, if that wasn't enough, I got a call from the school today. "Did Ian have a $100.00 bill when he came to school today?" My reaction was "What?" No he did not!!!! So I checked with Chad and sure enough, his $100.00 was missing. Ian told the school he found it on the playground...then he said he found it on the front steps of the school. So now...our money is gone, and the school is holding it waiting to see if anyone comes in to claim it.
What is a mother to do?
Last night I got home to find that Ian had taken a knife to his clothes and cut them up. What would ever possess a child to do this? I have no idea. I hate to even put it down on my blog as I feel it defines him as a person. I know it's not him or his usual behavior. But now...I have to make sure every knife and sizzors are put up in the house. Not that I fear him hurting anyone or himself, but I can't afford to buy new things all the time.
So then, if that wasn't enough, I got a call from the school today. "Did Ian have a $100.00 bill when he came to school today?" My reaction was "What?" No he did not!!!! So I checked with Chad and sure enough, his $100.00 was missing. Ian told the school he found it on the playground...then he said he found it on the front steps of the school. So now...our money is gone, and the school is holding it waiting to see if anyone comes in to claim it.
What is a mother to do?
Thursday, October 12, 2006
A bit of good news....
Humm....God works fast when you finally break down....
Tonight I got home and I had a message from Ian's Dr.
He said that he had a bit of good news about the testing Ian is about to undergo.
For one....They have a new Dr. in the office and she is willing to take on Ian's case. She is fairly new to the practice and up for the challange!
The Dr. explained that it is very difficult to get in for testing such as this. Normally you are looking anywhere for 3-6 months just for the first appointment.
Secondly, She is new and as I understood it...she's something like a resident with the practice. Since she is still new......she CANNOT bill me. Whoa! I think that was the best news I heard all day. He said basically that my insurance company would not pay for it, and the cost is normally around $150.00 per hour and we're talking about 6 hours worth of testing.
So I will say...there is a gleem of light here.
The Dr. is still hanging on even though I know eventually he will pass him along to another Dr. as we had discussed. It seems he is still hanging on with us and holding onto hope!
I wasn't much into praising tonight but on my way home...I had a P&W CD in my car and as I pulled in the driveway...the song "Break my heart" came on.....
It truly spoke to me and the barrier I am holding up right now to keep myself guarded.
Yes...my heart is hard...my soul is weak. And I truly need God to come in and not only break my heart...but mend it as well. I know his gentle touch is working on me.
Tonight I got home and I had a message from Ian's Dr.
He said that he had a bit of good news about the testing Ian is about to undergo.
For one....They have a new Dr. in the office and she is willing to take on Ian's case. She is fairly new to the practice and up for the challange!
The Dr. explained that it is very difficult to get in for testing such as this. Normally you are looking anywhere for 3-6 months just for the first appointment.
Secondly, She is new and as I understood it...she's something like a resident with the practice. Since she is still new......she CANNOT bill me. Whoa! I think that was the best news I heard all day. He said basically that my insurance company would not pay for it, and the cost is normally around $150.00 per hour and we're talking about 6 hours worth of testing.
So I will say...there is a gleem of light here.
The Dr. is still hanging on even though I know eventually he will pass him along to another Dr. as we had discussed. It seems he is still hanging on with us and holding onto hope!
I wasn't much into praising tonight but on my way home...I had a P&W CD in my car and as I pulled in the driveway...the song "Break my heart" came on.....
It truly spoke to me and the barrier I am holding up right now to keep myself guarded.
Yes...my heart is hard...my soul is weak. And I truly need God to come in and not only break my heart...but mend it as well. I know his gentle touch is working on me.
Perfect Child
Someone shared this with me today.
My Perfect Child
As my son was born, I wanted him to be perfect.
When he was a baby, I wanted him to smile and be content, playing with his toys.
I wanted him to be happy and to laugh continually instead of crying and being demanding.
I wanted him to see the beautiful side of life.
As he grows older, I want him to be giving instead of selfish.
I want him skip the terrible terrible adolescent years
I want him to stay innocent forever.
As he becomes a teen-ager,
I want him to be obedient and not rebellious, mannerly and not mouthy.
I want him to be full of love, gentle and kind-hearted.
"Oh, God, give me a child like this" has often been my prayer. One day he did.
Some call him different...
Some call him names....
But not his mother and his creator
We call him Perfect!!
My Perfect Child
As my son was born, I wanted him to be perfect.
When he was a baby, I wanted him to smile and be content, playing with his toys.
I wanted him to be happy and to laugh continually instead of crying and being demanding.
I wanted him to see the beautiful side of life.
As he grows older, I want him to be giving instead of selfish.
I want him skip the terrible terrible adolescent years
I want him to stay innocent forever.
As he becomes a teen-ager,
I want him to be obedient and not rebellious, mannerly and not mouthy.
I want him to be full of love, gentle and kind-hearted.
"Oh, God, give me a child like this" has often been my prayer. One day he did.
Some call him different...
Some call him names....
But not his mother and his creator
We call him Perfect!!
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
more testing....
I received a phone call from Ian's Dr. I'm sure he could hear the distress in my voice. We went over several things and he wants Ian to undergo some Psychiatric Educational Testing. Basically what that will tell us is where the mental block is. Is it short term, long term, is it a processing problem, etc. By that, we should be able to know what the learning disorder is. Now the fun part comes in....if we know this information....how do we fix it? Or...how do we help him?
Well...that's a road we will have to cross when we get there.
After we do this testing, he said he would see about getting him into Tulsa developmental Pediatrics. I don't mind going there, in fact...it is a great place. The only thing is...I'm not sure insurance will pay for it. At this point, I don't have a choice.
Well...that's a road we will have to cross when we get there.
After we do this testing, he said he would see about getting him into Tulsa developmental Pediatrics. I don't mind going there, in fact...it is a great place. The only thing is...I'm not sure insurance will pay for it. At this point, I don't have a choice.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
No title......
I really don't even know what to put as a title on this post. Really, I'm just here to ramble as my feelings are all over the place lately. I don't even know where to begin.
Truly, I don't need reasons to be mad at God right now since I'm a little disconnected from church right now. But my anger is getting the best of me.
I'm don't feel it's fair that Ian struggles so much. Everyday I see he getting worse and worse and the reality is...I don't want to accept it. For 11 years we've been able to deal and pretty much mask his neurological disorders from most people, but now, it's coming to surface. He's not making it in school....he can't process as much information as he use to....and his mind seems to be going a bit backwards rather than forwards. As we push and push him....it gets harder and harder each day. We thought from day one that the best thing to do would be raise him in a normal environment and then he will adapt. Now it's getting harder for him to do so. He has no friends, everyone picks on him, and he would rather just sit in a corner and draw forever than make any type of social engagement. Going out with him is getting more and more difficult everyday.
At our last Dr.'s visit, the Dr. informed me that we would have to move on to another Dr at this time. He has worked with Ian for 6 years and has taken him as far as he knows how. He doesn't know what else to do. My heart hurts to hear that. Ian has ADD/ADHD, OCD, ODD, Sensory Integration Disfunction, Anxiety Disorder, and is maxed out on his meds. He's borderline on some other disorders and since they are not full blown at this time, I refuse to tag him with anything else.
What on earth does God want from me? I'm so lost. I give up. I'm tired.....I'm tired of praying, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of thinking. Why did we not have a normal child? Now I'm back in school trying to finish my education and it feels like God is telling me to quit!!! Quit and take care of this boy He has trusted me with. I can't do it. I don't have the strength. I'm selfish. I just simply don't want to do it. So why is this getting worse? I don't take another day of someone telling me he won't make it.
I looked into Riverfield yesterday....I can't afford it. I'm checking into Sylvan today....but I'm not hopeful. Moreso....I don't want to be. I want to be mad. I want to be angry. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I've had 11 years to get use to it and it still hurts. Why can't he just get better rather than putting him on more drugs? Why can't he just feel in his mind the way other kids feel? Have I ruined him by trying so hard for all these years to give him a normal life? We went out to our schools appreciation night at Celebration Station last night and the kids were not nice to him. They treated him like a freak! I can't take it.
I'm in so much pain over this and I just want it to go away. In reality...I know it never will. I see miracles at work everyday....where is mine??? Tell me when it is coming. In reality...I know it's not. It's just not in the cards for me.
Truly, I don't need reasons to be mad at God right now since I'm a little disconnected from church right now. But my anger is getting the best of me.
I'm don't feel it's fair that Ian struggles so much. Everyday I see he getting worse and worse and the reality is...I don't want to accept it. For 11 years we've been able to deal and pretty much mask his neurological disorders from most people, but now, it's coming to surface. He's not making it in school....he can't process as much information as he use to....and his mind seems to be going a bit backwards rather than forwards. As we push and push him....it gets harder and harder each day. We thought from day one that the best thing to do would be raise him in a normal environment and then he will adapt. Now it's getting harder for him to do so. He has no friends, everyone picks on him, and he would rather just sit in a corner and draw forever than make any type of social engagement. Going out with him is getting more and more difficult everyday.
At our last Dr.'s visit, the Dr. informed me that we would have to move on to another Dr at this time. He has worked with Ian for 6 years and has taken him as far as he knows how. He doesn't know what else to do. My heart hurts to hear that. Ian has ADD/ADHD, OCD, ODD, Sensory Integration Disfunction, Anxiety Disorder, and is maxed out on his meds. He's borderline on some other disorders and since they are not full blown at this time, I refuse to tag him with anything else.
What on earth does God want from me? I'm so lost. I give up. I'm tired.....I'm tired of praying, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of thinking. Why did we not have a normal child? Now I'm back in school trying to finish my education and it feels like God is telling me to quit!!! Quit and take care of this boy He has trusted me with. I can't do it. I don't have the strength. I'm selfish. I just simply don't want to do it. So why is this getting worse? I don't take another day of someone telling me he won't make it.
I looked into Riverfield yesterday....I can't afford it. I'm checking into Sylvan today....but I'm not hopeful. Moreso....I don't want to be. I want to be mad. I want to be angry. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I've had 11 years to get use to it and it still hurts. Why can't he just get better rather than putting him on more drugs? Why can't he just feel in his mind the way other kids feel? Have I ruined him by trying so hard for all these years to give him a normal life? We went out to our schools appreciation night at Celebration Station last night and the kids were not nice to him. They treated him like a freak! I can't take it.
I'm in so much pain over this and I just want it to go away. In reality...I know it never will. I see miracles at work everyday....where is mine??? Tell me when it is coming. In reality...I know it's not. It's just not in the cards for me.
Friday, October 06, 2006
I'm way too emotional
This morning I went to the kids school to watch Emilie receive the lifeskill award for 'Felxibility'. No...not physically flexible, but just being flexible in school. She recieved that because of efforts this week and last since she had her accident. She came back and did very well adapting to a broken arm and working around other situations without complaining.
So...here we are at the assembly. The day starts with a talk to the students from the Principle and they start the flag salute. Attention...Salute...Pledge.
Then here it comes! I cover my heart start saying the pledge...and wouldn't you know it...HERE COME THE TEARS!!! What in the world! Where did this come from. Trying so hard to suck it up and make them go away did no good. I was starting to get embarassed! At the first sign of the Pledge or the National Anthem...I'm a wreck! Ugh!!!
What in the world is wrong with me???
So...here we are at the assembly. The day starts with a talk to the students from the Principle and they start the flag salute. Attention...Salute...Pledge.
Then here it comes! I cover my heart start saying the pledge...and wouldn't you know it...HERE COME THE TEARS!!! What in the world! Where did this come from. Trying so hard to suck it up and make them go away did no good. I was starting to get embarassed! At the first sign of the Pledge or the National Anthem...I'm a wreck! Ugh!!!
What in the world is wrong with me???
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
YEP! I DID IT!
Well...I did it. I withdrew from one of my classes. Actually one of the most important classes on my list. Anatomy! Good news is...I'm away from the psycho instructor. Good news is...I'll take it next semester.
There is such a story behind this:
From day one...this instructor has drove me nuts. Primarily because she doesn't know much about anatomy. Go figure huh? Well...she is not the instructor I chose but the college changed my instructor 3 times up until 2 days before the semester.
I started to get a clue about the second week when she decided to tell the class she would allow NO questions. Why??? Well...she couldn't answer them. We are six weeks into the semester and we haven't used our text books once. Only our lab books.
So the final straw was last week. I met with her for an hour after class and she decided to confess a few things. #1 She was only hired 2 days before the semester started and had no time to prepare. #2 The schedule of assignments she gave us with the syllabus was not even hers. She used another professors to look like she had her act together. #3...the SYLLABUS was not even hers and in fact...she didn't even read it so he has no clue what was on it.
I was at my boiling point when she scolded me for completeing two chapters in the book that were not necessary. Why did I do that??? Well...because it was on the schedule that SHE DIDN'T WRITE!!!
Nobody should have to go though that in college! Nobody! If they expect us to be prepared and pay hundreds of dollars...they should be prepared.
I went to the advisement office today where they told me they were seriously hurting for Anatomy instructors and they were pretty much taking whatever they could get. Well...that's not saying much. They apologized for the inconvenience but did not offer me a refund but did offer me the words of..."You're not the only student that has been in here to complain about her...and to drop"
So it's a great weight off my shoulders now. I will re-take the class next semester with a much more adequate instructor and just cut my losses this semester. I don't want to get to a point where I don't like what I am doing. I know there are periods of burnout...but I'm not there. I was at that point of frustrated and mad. Now I'm happy.
Although, I've been sick for three days and I would like to get better. Ugh!
Boy...sounds like a lot of complaining huh?
There is such a story behind this:
From day one...this instructor has drove me nuts. Primarily because she doesn't know much about anatomy. Go figure huh? Well...she is not the instructor I chose but the college changed my instructor 3 times up until 2 days before the semester.
I started to get a clue about the second week when she decided to tell the class she would allow NO questions. Why??? Well...she couldn't answer them. We are six weeks into the semester and we haven't used our text books once. Only our lab books.
So the final straw was last week. I met with her for an hour after class and she decided to confess a few things. #1 She was only hired 2 days before the semester started and had no time to prepare. #2 The schedule of assignments she gave us with the syllabus was not even hers. She used another professors to look like she had her act together. #3...the SYLLABUS was not even hers and in fact...she didn't even read it so he has no clue what was on it.
I was at my boiling point when she scolded me for completeing two chapters in the book that were not necessary. Why did I do that??? Well...because it was on the schedule that SHE DIDN'T WRITE!!!
Nobody should have to go though that in college! Nobody! If they expect us to be prepared and pay hundreds of dollars...they should be prepared.
I went to the advisement office today where they told me they were seriously hurting for Anatomy instructors and they were pretty much taking whatever they could get. Well...that's not saying much. They apologized for the inconvenience but did not offer me a refund but did offer me the words of..."You're not the only student that has been in here to complain about her...and to drop"
So it's a great weight off my shoulders now. I will re-take the class next semester with a much more adequate instructor and just cut my losses this semester. I don't want to get to a point where I don't like what I am doing. I know there are periods of burnout...but I'm not there. I was at that point of frustrated and mad. Now I'm happy.
Although, I've been sick for three days and I would like to get better. Ugh!
Boy...sounds like a lot of complaining huh?
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Challanged!
Wow...I discovered this week that I am technically challanged. Shane gave the option for someone to put some slides together for Sunday morning and boy...let me tell you what....it was a bigger job than I thought it would be. Once I got into it, I couldn't stop. I was addicted to powerpoint. So I had to limit myself to only doing so many slides per day. It was nice to use it for something other than school projects. I certainly give my hand to Shane as I didn't realize how much work he put into those. My hats off to him!!!!
So I've been a little down lately. I'm not sure it's really down but just tired and worn out. Again my professor today proclaimed to me today that she still can't figure out why I am in her class. I'm starting to get a complex about this. So now all it's done is make me want to try harder to prove to her than I can do the work. I was not adequately prepared by my pre req to be in this class so it's making it much more difficult.
So, I try not to have those silent moments of crying at home but it hasn't worked much lately. There is WAY too much for me to be thankful for and I shouldn't be sad for any reason. I think of all the other unforunate people in the world that have experience much greater losses in life than I....so I have nothing to be sad about.
I know that this too shall pass. It's just another one of those days where I don't feel adequate in anything I do. I know...I know....how long will I have this pity party??? Well...till about right....NOW. Okay...I'm done. Moving on! ;o)
So I've been a little down lately. I'm not sure it's really down but just tired and worn out. Again my professor today proclaimed to me today that she still can't figure out why I am in her class. I'm starting to get a complex about this. So now all it's done is make me want to try harder to prove to her than I can do the work. I was not adequately prepared by my pre req to be in this class so it's making it much more difficult.
So, I try not to have those silent moments of crying at home but it hasn't worked much lately. There is WAY too much for me to be thankful for and I shouldn't be sad for any reason. I think of all the other unforunate people in the world that have experience much greater losses in life than I....so I have nothing to be sad about.
I know that this too shall pass. It's just another one of those days where I don't feel adequate in anything I do. I know...I know....how long will I have this pity party??? Well...till about right....NOW. Okay...I'm done. Moving on! ;o)
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Good vs. Bad
So a new situation arose today with my educational situation. Boy...there is always something else to throw into the puzzle huh? Well....here it is....
If I continue with my classes how they are set up right now
, I will finish in 2 MORE LONG YEARS with my RN with an associates degree. Well...now....there is a new situation.
This semester they opened up a new program for nursing majors to obtain their BSN quicker.
It would be the first 2 semesters at TCC and the last two will complete at OU. Boy...what is a girl to do! Way too many decisions.
The only problem I see with this is I will have to spend about two more semesters taking MORE pre reqs then I would if I stayed at TCC. However, I would have my Bacholor's instead of an associates. I have one more semester before I HAVE to make this decision. I'm glad they opened this up...but then again, it's driving me crazy to think this is going to take me longer. Ugh!
Soccer Mania
We're loving soccer season! The kids are having a blast and they are really good too. They've won their games and Lukus each week has kicked the winning goal! Not that I'm bragging or anything!!!
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Daily Thoughts.....
What am I here for? What am I doing? What legacy am I trying to leave in this world?
Three questions that really make me think!
Three questions that really make me think!
What bad day???
I must say that last weeks was a horrible week. I think I prayed harder than I ever have. Well...maybe that's not the case but it sure was a lot.
I figure I could dwell on the bad aspects but I like to look at the positives....well...there wern't many I guess but I can name few:
I figure I could dwell on the bad aspects but I like to look at the positives....well...there wern't many I guess but I can name few:
- Last week and this week both of my kids won their soccer games. Both with Lukus kicking the winning kickoff goal.
- I had a good talk with one of my professors and feel hopeful about the semester.
- I got to sing at Powersurge and was totally upifted.
- I saw Lukus perform in his 3rd grade play. He did a great job and I was such the proud mom!
- I have lowered my amout of television I watch on a daily basis.
- I lost 7lbs 6oz last week
- I watched the most amazing sunrise this morning. It was INCREDIBLE!!!!
- I was able to get some things done at work that I have never been able to do on my own before now and I was totally successful!
- I watched the excitement of Emilie as she was able to complete a great cartwheel.
- I recieved my papers from the Oklahoma Board of Nursing to become a certified PCT. Now I just have to go and take the test.
- I got a good paycheck!
- I had a great long talk with my friend Tisha and her health is doing well praise God!
- I witnessed several miracles. Probably more than I realize.
So yeah....for now...that's all I can think of so it looks like I had a really great week after all. When something goes bad it is so easy to focus on the negative but I really like to think of all the great things in life. I know there are more than I can ever imagine. But now I can't remember all that bad stuff that happened today. I'm sure there will be more to come.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
I just LOVE this song!
The wind and waves obey your voice, I want to be like that
Listening before each choice, I want to be like that
Father hear my humble plea
Help me to be
like the ocean that is under Your command
Help me be still, I want to do Your will
Oh Lord, make me a storm
The raging sea did not think twice, I want to be like that
Following without a fight, I want to be like that
Father hear my humble plea
Help me to be like the ocean that is under Your command
Help me be still, I want to do Your will
Oh Lord, make me a storm
O Father hear my humble plea (hear my plea)
Help me to be like the ocean that is under Your command
Help me be still (help me be still), I want to do Your will
Oh Lord, make me a storm
Make me be still (make me be still)
And listen for Your will
Oh Lord, make me a storm
Listening before each choice, I want to be like that
Father hear my humble plea
Help me to be
like the ocean that is under Your command
Help me be still, I want to do Your will
Oh Lord, make me a storm
The raging sea did not think twice, I want to be like that
Following without a fight, I want to be like that
Father hear my humble plea
Help me to be like the ocean that is under Your command
Help me be still, I want to do Your will
Oh Lord, make me a storm
O Father hear my humble plea (hear my plea)
Help me to be like the ocean that is under Your command
Help me be still (help me be still), I want to do Your will
Oh Lord, make me a storm
Make me be still (make me be still)
And listen for Your will
Oh Lord, make me a storm
What was I thinking???
In an attempt to make my blog look prettier...I messed it up. What was I thinking? You know how long it took me to make the last one? Ugh! So I commit to NOT trying to fix it until Friday. That's my day off and spend time doing what I want so hopefully it will turn up nice. I may have to solicit the expertise from Theresa. She's so good at these things.
Friday, September 15, 2006
Such a good morning....
You know...my children were just bright little angels this morning. I don't know what happend to them! Praise God!
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Shut-in???
So I love Shane's definition of me..."The church's youngest shut-in"
I'm saying that with pride tonight as I just had the most awesome experience watching last Sunday's DVD. OH MY GOODNESS!!!! IT WAS AWESOME!!!!
I have felt so alone and so disconnected lately that this is exactly what I needed. And it's not
just the sermon on DVD...it's the whole thing.
When you are a strong part of something...after a while, you may take forgranted how much it really means to you in your heart until it's gone.
It was one thing for me to say in the past, "I'm a part of this or that ministry" and now....I don't get to participate in a whole lot of things. It's like a little kid being grounded from something they love so much. Sure...I made a choice and I'm happy with my choice. Doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt to not be as connected as I once was.
Communion is a big deal for me. If one knows me well enough, they know I'm a crier. Yep..I'll admit it...I can get pretty emotional and in my heart pretty quick. Tonight was even extra special (tearing up of course) as I even got to be part of that intimate moment with the chruch family via the TV. No...it's not the same...but I needed to see that on there and reflect in the same way here. It's been well over a month now since I've shared in the Lord's supper. I do sincerely miss it. It's not just a tray to pass along to the next person, it is a moment in my week that I miss with God. Tonight we sang "Come at the Lord's invitation...." and I know He invites me to spend those moments remembering him each week. I can create that myself....it's just not the same. I always looked forward to sharing the table with my brothers and sisters and that moment. It's one of those moments that are gone for a while.
I can't help but think of others from our church that face issues of the same sadness when they can't come to church. Having these DVD's is truly an inspiration. I now look forward to them each week.
I hope people realize what a great chruch family we have. Someone stopped to talk to me last night and expressed their thoughts of missing me. And in our conversation we talked about Praise Team. The one thing I admire about the folks on our team is this....
Never at any moment have they ever made me feel I'm am a lesser part of the team because I can't be there on Sunday's. Never have they made me feel like I was an outcast. Never have they excluded me from anything and all of those were my fears before doing this. I'm so proud to know the people I know. God's people. That's what they are. I couldn't ask for any better.
I'm so proud to be a part of this family that accepts me for who I am, what I am, what I'm going through, and willing to walk with me to where I'm going. It's an inspiration!!!!
I'm saying that with pride tonight as I just had the most awesome experience watching last Sunday's DVD. OH MY GOODNESS!!!! IT WAS AWESOME!!!!
I have felt so alone and so disconnected lately that this is exactly what I needed. And it's not
just the sermon on DVD...it's the whole thing.
When you are a strong part of something...after a while, you may take forgranted how much it really means to you in your heart until it's gone.
It was one thing for me to say in the past, "I'm a part of this or that ministry" and now....I don't get to participate in a whole lot of things. It's like a little kid being grounded from something they love so much. Sure...I made a choice and I'm happy with my choice. Doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt to not be as connected as I once was.
Communion is a big deal for me. If one knows me well enough, they know I'm a crier. Yep..I'll admit it...I can get pretty emotional and in my heart pretty quick. Tonight was even extra special (tearing up of course) as I even got to be part of that intimate moment with the chruch family via the TV. No...it's not the same...but I needed to see that on there and reflect in the same way here. It's been well over a month now since I've shared in the Lord's supper. I do sincerely miss it. It's not just a tray to pass along to the next person, it is a moment in my week that I miss with God. Tonight we sang "Come at the Lord's invitation...." and I know He invites me to spend those moments remembering him each week. I can create that myself....it's just not the same. I always looked forward to sharing the table with my brothers and sisters and that moment. It's one of those moments that are gone for a while.
I can't help but think of others from our church that face issues of the same sadness when they can't come to church. Having these DVD's is truly an inspiration. I now look forward to them each week.
I hope people realize what a great chruch family we have. Someone stopped to talk to me last night and expressed their thoughts of missing me. And in our conversation we talked about Praise Team. The one thing I admire about the folks on our team is this....
Never at any moment have they ever made me feel I'm am a lesser part of the team because I can't be there on Sunday's. Never have they made me feel like I was an outcast. Never have they excluded me from anything and all of those were my fears before doing this. I'm so proud to know the people I know. God's people. That's what they are. I couldn't ask for any better.
I'm so proud to be a part of this family that accepts me for who I am, what I am, what I'm going through, and willing to walk with me to where I'm going. It's an inspiration!!!!
Friday, September 08, 2006
Car Conversations
After picking up the kids from school today....here's how it went:
Ian: Mom....how does a girl get pregnant?
Me: Well...
Lukus: Oh gosh mom...do you want me to just tell him.
(Mom now freaking out!!!!)
Me: Um..no...Hey Ian....why do you want to know this?
Ian: Cause I think I already know....You see...when girls get married...they start to eat alot. Then they don't feel good for a while and when they go to the doctor...he tells them they are pregnant.
Lukus: No...that is NOT how it happens. It's when a guy and girl are married and they dance together in a hotel room on their wedding night.
Me: Yeah...you're both right. Anyone want to go to Braum's?
Ian: Mom....how does a girl get pregnant?
Me: Well...
Lukus: Oh gosh mom...do you want me to just tell him.
(Mom now freaking out!!!!)
Me: Um..no...Hey Ian....why do you want to know this?
Ian: Cause I think I already know....You see...when girls get married...they start to eat alot. Then they don't feel good for a while and when they go to the doctor...he tells them they are pregnant.
Lukus: No...that is NOT how it happens. It's when a guy and girl are married and they dance together in a hotel room on their wedding night.
Me: Yeah...you're both right. Anyone want to go to Braum's?
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Nothing good to say!
So I really have nothing good to say about school right now. Yestrerday, I left in tears. I was just so upset with my instructor. We are not studying what we should be studying and then when I think I'm getting something....she is quick to let me know I'm doing it wrong and not what she wanted.
I wanted to give up so bad. I think she knew she was about to make me cry but I at least held it back until I got to the car. I've been told this will be one of my hardest semesters. Primarly because it really doesn't have anything to do with Nursing. But you would think they could at least make it intersting. It's Science for the love of Mike!
So obviously I have a splitting headache today as again, after another class, I'm emotianlly exhausted. I'm trying to get over this attitude of how much I really don't even want to be there. I feel I'm giving up so much to do this to be this frustrated and upset. Right now...I would just rather crawl in a hole and the grades just appear...but it doesn't quite work that way. I pray this will get better as the semester moves on but December seems SOOOO far away right now.
I wanted to give up so bad. I think she knew she was about to make me cry but I at least held it back until I got to the car. I've been told this will be one of my hardest semesters. Primarly because it really doesn't have anything to do with Nursing. But you would think they could at least make it intersting. It's Science for the love of Mike!
So obviously I have a splitting headache today as again, after another class, I'm emotianlly exhausted. I'm trying to get over this attitude of how much I really don't even want to be there. I feel I'm giving up so much to do this to be this frustrated and upset. Right now...I would just rather crawl in a hole and the grades just appear...but it doesn't quite work that way. I pray this will get better as the semester moves on but December seems SOOOO far away right now.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
HA!!! Not sure my sticker is correct!!!!
| Your Bumper Sticker Should Be |
 |
What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatbumperstickershouldbeonyourcarquiz/">What Bumper Sticker Should Be On Your Car?
Monday, September 04, 2006
Another week...
Update on the smiles for Ian:
Last week went pretty well. After Chad and I going on a Dr. Phil rampage...he went to school Mon-Thurs with very minimal problems. Notice I didn't mention Friday? Well...he couldn't quite make it 5 whole days. He really tries to convince me that being good is way too hard. I totally believe him on that. So he wasn't to happy when the one thing we took away Friday was what he wanted the most. He wanted to go and spend the night at Grandma's. But how serious am I??? Oh very serious!!!
Then I had to find out his grades for the first week of school. Without failure to humiliate him anymore...lets just say...NOT GOOD!
So I had a good talk with his teacher Friday afternoon and came up with a few more solutions to get him through this year.
Parenting is not easy, but I know I have to be the bigger person here. No matter what the age, I'm still responsible for him until he is an adult and I am not about to let him fail. He's not able to make wise decisions on his own so that's what God has entrusted us to do. Ian is a great kid and if it is the last thing I do and the last breath I take, this boy will succeed.
Last week went pretty well. After Chad and I going on a Dr. Phil rampage...he went to school Mon-Thurs with very minimal problems. Notice I didn't mention Friday? Well...he couldn't quite make it 5 whole days. He really tries to convince me that being good is way too hard. I totally believe him on that. So he wasn't to happy when the one thing we took away Friday was what he wanted the most. He wanted to go and spend the night at Grandma's. But how serious am I??? Oh very serious!!!
Then I had to find out his grades for the first week of school. Without failure to humiliate him anymore...lets just say...NOT GOOD!
So I had a good talk with his teacher Friday afternoon and came up with a few more solutions to get him through this year.
Parenting is not easy, but I know I have to be the bigger person here. No matter what the age, I'm still responsible for him until he is an adult and I am not about to let him fail. He's not able to make wise decisions on his own so that's what God has entrusted us to do. Ian is a great kid and if it is the last thing I do and the last breath I take, this boy will succeed.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Trauma Drama
I went to work at 6:00 this morning and it's now almost 10:00 tonight and I'm just now home. Went to work when it was dark...and I got home and it's dark. I think I'd like to sleep through tomorrow. I thank the Lord for days off.
Drama comes in when you are so tired you can't sleep. You weap at the silliest things such a your child passing gas in the car. I mean really...haven't I dealt with that enough today? ;o0
So, not that I really even remotely interesting to say today, but just felt like blogging....now going to bed....for a long time! ;o)
Drama comes in when you are so tired you can't sleep. You weap at the silliest things such a your child passing gas in the car. I mean really...haven't I dealt with that enough today? ;o0
So, not that I really even remotely interesting to say today, but just felt like blogging....now going to bed....for a long time! ;o)
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Eagles and Us!
Today a friends shared this with me. Little did she know how fitting the timing was. I makes me think of that song "On Eagles Wings" how fitting!
You've probably seen pictures of an eagle, and I'll bet he was soaring majestically, right? You may have actually seen some eagles - it's always something special when you see one. The eagles you've seen were most likely soaring when you saw them. But there are times that they can't even fly, and very few people have ever seen them in their bad times. But eagles do get sick, and sometimes when they're sick they're almost immobilized. They're weak, they're depleted, and frankly they're not much to see. When an eagle crashes like that he goes off to a place where he can be alone, often atop a high cliff. And he lies out in the sun, face up, spread-eagled, totally collapsed. God has outfitted the eagle with eyes that can look at the sun without any damage, and that's what the powerless eagle does. He focuses his eyes on the sun and he lies there until his strength comes back. Oh yeah, the eagle crashes, but he knows how to come back to soar again!
It's not just eagles that crash - so do we. We all go through those times when we have nothing left to give. You may be in one of those seasons right now. You're weak, you're depleted, you're exhausted, you're physically, emotionally, spiritually drained. You don't have the personal resources to meet the challenges - the demands that you've got in front of you. It's in those moments that you become a candidate for resources far beyond your own. You might call it "eagle power."
It's described in our word for today from the Word of God in the familiar words of Isaiah 40, beginning with verse 28. "The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom." If the word "weak" or "weary" would describe you right now, then this next promise has your name on it. "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
If we can grasp how it is that an eagle in crash mode renews his strength, we'll understand how we can renew ours - and then "soar on wings like eagles." Just picture that usually strong eagle, sprawled out powerlessly, eyes focused on the sun, and his body and spirit soaking up its strength. He totally gives up in order to gain strength. The law of God's renewing work is simple - you have to surrender to get strong.
God hasn't allowed you to reach the end of you so you'll give up, but so you'll give up control! It's time to finally take your fingers off that steering wheel you've held onto so tightly and relinquish all control to Almighty God. "I give up, Lord. I can't fix it. I can't figure it out. I can't contribute anything to a solution. I'm wiped out and totally releasing all of me and all of my issues to you." At that moment, God miraculously begins to replace your weakness with His unlimited strength and your confusion with His infinite wisdom, your exhaustion for His boundless energy, and your despair for His indomitable hope.
That surrender can't just be a one-time thing. Paul said we're "renewed day by day." You need to come to Him each new day, confessing your powerlessness, surrendering control, and downloading His strength and power. When you keep your eyes on the Son of God, when you totally surrender to Him, you'll become a candidate for His strength and His power. And you are ready again to soar on eagles' wings.
You've probably seen pictures of an eagle, and I'll bet he was soaring majestically, right? You may have actually seen some eagles - it's always something special when you see one. The eagles you've seen were most likely soaring when you saw them. But there are times that they can't even fly, and very few people have ever seen them in their bad times. But eagles do get sick, and sometimes when they're sick they're almost immobilized. They're weak, they're depleted, and frankly they're not much to see. When an eagle crashes like that he goes off to a place where he can be alone, often atop a high cliff. And he lies out in the sun, face up, spread-eagled, totally collapsed. God has outfitted the eagle with eyes that can look at the sun without any damage, and that's what the powerless eagle does. He focuses his eyes on the sun and he lies there until his strength comes back. Oh yeah, the eagle crashes, but he knows how to come back to soar again!
It's not just eagles that crash - so do we. We all go through those times when we have nothing left to give. You may be in one of those seasons right now. You're weak, you're depleted, you're exhausted, you're physically, emotionally, spiritually drained. You don't have the personal resources to meet the challenges - the demands that you've got in front of you. It's in those moments that you become a candidate for resources far beyond your own. You might call it "eagle power."
It's described in our word for today from the Word of God in the familiar words of Isaiah 40, beginning with verse 28. "The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom." If the word "weak" or "weary" would describe you right now, then this next promise has your name on it. "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
If we can grasp how it is that an eagle in crash mode renews his strength, we'll understand how we can renew ours - and then "soar on wings like eagles." Just picture that usually strong eagle, sprawled out powerlessly, eyes focused on the sun, and his body and spirit soaking up its strength. He totally gives up in order to gain strength. The law of God's renewing work is simple - you have to surrender to get strong.
God hasn't allowed you to reach the end of you so you'll give up, but so you'll give up control! It's time to finally take your fingers off that steering wheel you've held onto so tightly and relinquish all control to Almighty God. "I give up, Lord. I can't fix it. I can't figure it out. I can't contribute anything to a solution. I'm wiped out and totally releasing all of me and all of my issues to you." At that moment, God miraculously begins to replace your weakness with His unlimited strength and your confusion with His infinite wisdom, your exhaustion for His boundless energy, and your despair for His indomitable hope.
That surrender can't just be a one-time thing. Paul said we're "renewed day by day." You need to come to Him each new day, confessing your powerlessness, surrendering control, and downloading His strength and power. When you keep your eyes on the Son of God, when you totally surrender to Him, you'll become a candidate for His strength and His power. And you are ready again to soar on eagles' wings.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
The strangest things....
The strangest things show up in the strangest places sometimes. This morning the school calls and says they can see something lodged down in Lukus' ear. My reaction was "WHAT?" They've got to be kidding me. I mean...he shoved a lego bike up his nose when he was 4 years old but comeon, the kid is now 8. The school nurses reaction was one I remember...."Well, this is the week for kids to shoving things in their ears and noses." It's like they had an appointment for this specific week to be the one. Something sort of like a national holiday for sticking things where they don't belong week. Comeon...everyone in the nation is doing it. It's like a hallmark holiday.
Okay...so I go to school to see if I can use any part of my own education or even just my mother hood experience to get it out and low and behold...I can't even for the life of me figure out what it is. I can see it...but I can't tell if it is supposed to be there or not. But wait a second...there is nothing in the anatomy that is supposed to be blocking your ear canal. So I have to rush downtown to school so Chad takes off work to take this comical kid to the doctor.
With their instruments they could not get it out so they shoot air and water in to flush it out and when it comes to the top they grab it.
So what was it??? An eraser from the top of a pencil! Yes that's right! But Lukus says it's been up there for two years! TWO YEARS I ASKED????
And he says "Yeah...I even remember where I was when I put it in there"
I wonder if two years ago it was on National Shove it in Your Ear week too? ;o)
Okay...so I go to school to see if I can use any part of my own education or even just my mother hood experience to get it out and low and behold...I can't even for the life of me figure out what it is. I can see it...but I can't tell if it is supposed to be there or not. But wait a second...there is nothing in the anatomy that is supposed to be blocking your ear canal. So I have to rush downtown to school so Chad takes off work to take this comical kid to the doctor.
With their instruments they could not get it out so they shoot air and water in to flush it out and when it comes to the top they grab it.
So what was it??? An eraser from the top of a pencil! Yes that's right! But Lukus says it's been up there for two years! TWO YEARS I ASKED????
And he says "Yeah...I even remember where I was when I put it in there"
I wonder if two years ago it was on National Shove it in Your Ear week too? ;o)
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
1 Smile Down
"How many more?" is what Ian asked as he came home yesterday from school as a changed person...as the teacher put it. Hummm...I think this may work. He had a GREAT DAY!
I was shocked by his reaction of his bedroom. His reaction was not much of anything. Actually...it was like he almost didn't care. He just found something else to do and moved on. Is this because he knew he could not beat the consequence? I mean really...I was going for effect here! What would you do if you were 11 and you walked in and everything as you know it was gone from your room? I WOULD HAVE A HEARTATTACK! Well, not Ian! He just rolled with it and moved on.
So I think he really noticed it last night when he went to bed. His lamp was gone, radio, and all other excessories as well that require a plug in! (Might I add...our power bill may be smaller). So he gets in bed and says..."it's so quiet and dark in here! " YAY!!! SUCCESS! He's miserable! Okay...I don't really mean that but seriously, I was waiting for that type of moment!
He told me that he found it difficult to be a GOOD child vs. a BAD child! Hummmm....
I found that very interesting.
So I put myself in his shoes....
Is it easier for me to be bad than good? In what terms? Well...yes it is. It's easier for me to go somewhere that is supposed to be serious and totally cut up and act silly. Yeah..so the kid gets it from me. I can have so much fun...but if I was in class, I would be in SO MUCH TROUBLE!
So I get it. I get what he is saying and understand how it feels to be him in a way. He is very bright, smart, and funny...but sometimes, he gets in his own way. He doesn't understand that, but what is important for him is that everyone around him gets it. I can't expect that from everyone he comes in contact with, but the people he sees frequently I would hope they can love him for the simple fact that he loves who he is despite his imperfections. I love him for that too.
I was shocked by his reaction of his bedroom. His reaction was not much of anything. Actually...it was like he almost didn't care. He just found something else to do and moved on. Is this because he knew he could not beat the consequence? I mean really...I was going for effect here! What would you do if you were 11 and you walked in and everything as you know it was gone from your room? I WOULD HAVE A HEARTATTACK! Well, not Ian! He just rolled with it and moved on.
So I think he really noticed it last night when he went to bed. His lamp was gone, radio, and all other excessories as well that require a plug in! (Might I add...our power bill may be smaller). So he gets in bed and says..."it's so quiet and dark in here! " YAY!!! SUCCESS! He's miserable! Okay...I don't really mean that but seriously, I was waiting for that type of moment!
He told me that he found it difficult to be a GOOD child vs. a BAD child! Hummmm....
I found that very interesting.
So I put myself in his shoes....
Is it easier for me to be bad than good? In what terms? Well...yes it is. It's easier for me to go somewhere that is supposed to be serious and totally cut up and act silly. Yeah..so the kid gets it from me. I can have so much fun...but if I was in class, I would be in SO MUCH TROUBLE!
So I get it. I get what he is saying and understand how it feels to be him in a way. He is very bright, smart, and funny...but sometimes, he gets in his own way. He doesn't understand that, but what is important for him is that everyone around him gets it. I can't expect that from everyone he comes in contact with, but the people he sees frequently I would hope they can love him for the simple fact that he loves who he is despite his imperfections. I love him for that too.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Fear the Father...Fear your Father.
Why is it that we fear God but our children do not fear us? I know I know...it's not the same type of relationship but I noticed last night that Ian doesn't think we mean business when we say something. Maybe that's why we fear God so much because we do not want to suffer the consequences. Afterall, those seem much greater than being grounded just for the weekend.
So...last night I found a note in Ian's pocket from his teacher. As you can imagine, it wasn't a good note. I was so angry. Well, He now knows I mean business. No more playing around. It's over.
Today when he comes home he will have a nice surprise waiting for him. He has nothing in his room except 4 bare walls and a bed. Plus a few books of my choosing. I sent a calendar to school and the teacher will write on it either a happy face or a sad face with any explinations she chooses to let me know. For everyday he has a happy face, he earns one item to go back in his room starting with the less excitiing box. If he comes home with a sad face, then he has to give me something back out of his room. I feel like this right now is the only thing that is going to work. I have threatened to do this in the past and I never followed through. Ugh! I should not have done that. I should have always kept my promise and took care of this before. So now, it has resulted in this action the first week after school starts.
I want the best for Ian and I want him to succeed. I think he has to want it for himself.
So...last night I found a note in Ian's pocket from his teacher. As you can imagine, it wasn't a good note. I was so angry. Well, He now knows I mean business. No more playing around. It's over.
Today when he comes home he will have a nice surprise waiting for him. He has nothing in his room except 4 bare walls and a bed. Plus a few books of my choosing. I sent a calendar to school and the teacher will write on it either a happy face or a sad face with any explinations she chooses to let me know. For everyday he has a happy face, he earns one item to go back in his room starting with the less excitiing box. If he comes home with a sad face, then he has to give me something back out of his room. I feel like this right now is the only thing that is going to work. I have threatened to do this in the past and I never followed through. Ugh! I should not have done that. I should have always kept my promise and took care of this before. So now, it has resulted in this action the first week after school starts.
I want the best for Ian and I want him to succeed. I think he has to want it for himself.
Friday, August 25, 2006
New Favorite of the Week
Okay...so my new Favorite CD of the week is Selah "Bless the Broken Road" The Duets Album!
Holy Cow!!!! So if you don't have it...you should get it! And track 3 and 10...yeah...blast it in your car! You can just see me going down the road down singing His praises!!! I LOVE IT!!!
Holy Cow!!!! So if you don't have it...you should get it! And track 3 and 10...yeah...blast it in your car! You can just see me going down the road down singing His praises!!! I LOVE IT!!!
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Caught up in moments of His greatness!
Tonight was special to me. I had a fun time praising our Father and got caught up in some awesome moments of spiritual worship as well that knocked me off balance. Well...at least I can blame it on that anyway.
I'm not a performer by any means and I'm not gifted with the greatest voice but God gave me and all others the ability to praise Him like no other. I just love Him for that. He has me right where he wants me to be in my heart of worship. I try to stay disciplined but my own agenda sometimes gets away with me.
Church is fun to me. It's a fun time praising His name and celebrating the good news with the ones I love and the ones I have yet to know. It's the times I can do a funny gig singing "There's no god like Jahovah" It's also about being broken in those desperate times when we need to be broken. When we need to be there for others to help pick up the pieces with us and help us see that we are broken. The times that we need to sing "Break my heart" over and over. I just love the people who are around me. It makes me feel that I am truly around kingdom people.
I'm not a performer by any means and I'm not gifted with the greatest voice but God gave me and all others the ability to praise Him like no other. I just love Him for that. He has me right where he wants me to be in my heart of worship. I try to stay disciplined but my own agenda sometimes gets away with me.
Church is fun to me. It's a fun time praising His name and celebrating the good news with the ones I love and the ones I have yet to know. It's the times I can do a funny gig singing "There's no god like Jahovah" It's also about being broken in those desperate times when we need to be broken. When we need to be there for others to help pick up the pieces with us and help us see that we are broken. The times that we need to sing "Break my heart" over and over. I just love the people who are around me. It makes me feel that I am truly around kingdom people.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Ha! School is the problem!
I think it is the problem! School! Yes, the MIGRAINES are back. And might I add they they only came back when I started school again. How weird huh? I don't think I am very happy with that! I went almost all summer with NO headaches and now I have been down nearly every day. It's a bummer. I'll deal with it, but it's no fun. I've started back on my perscription medications which really don't allow me to feel like myself but I don't have much of an alternative. I need to stay on top of them. I can't let them beat me. Today has been the worst day but as the afternoon rolls around, it is getting better. The side effects are not desireable but I will get use to them. In the words of my great friend Theresa....Oi!
Friday, August 11, 2006
Sinking sand?
Tonight I watched the movie "The Second Chance" about an inner-city church who struggles with many different issues. My heart was certainly pierced by this movie. If you have not seen it, I highly reccommend it!!!
At one point in the movie, they talk about this song:
My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' name.
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
all other ground is sinking sand;
all other ground is sinking sand.
What am I built on? Do I build on sinking sand? Tonight it was ever so present as Chad and I were driving around looking at homes. We want to move to a nicer home, nicer area, and would love to be in a better situation. Am I looking for that sinking sand? Why can't I be content where I am? It makes me think that right now...maybe I'm not standing on solid rock!
It's like the song says...all other ground is sinking sand. If God is not at the center and core of my foundation, I am not on God's solid rock.
How is it that I am serving today? Do I serve to gain something?
Am I living a life that is so comfortable that I'm not willing to get a little gravy on my shoes and show that I'm doing that the Lord wants me to do?
All of these thoughts pondered in my head and SOOO many more after watching this movie. It was conviciting and I want to make sure that I'm doing what he has commanded me to do in every aspect of my life.
And for the remainder of that song:
When Darkness veils his lovely face, I rest on his unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil.
When he shall come with trumpet sound, O may I then in him be found!
Dressed in his righteousness alone, faultless to stand before the throne!
At one point in the movie, they talk about this song:
My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' name.
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
all other ground is sinking sand;
all other ground is sinking sand.
What am I built on? Do I build on sinking sand? Tonight it was ever so present as Chad and I were driving around looking at homes. We want to move to a nicer home, nicer area, and would love to be in a better situation. Am I looking for that sinking sand? Why can't I be content where I am? It makes me think that right now...maybe I'm not standing on solid rock!
It's like the song says...all other ground is sinking sand. If God is not at the center and core of my foundation, I am not on God's solid rock.
How is it that I am serving today? Do I serve to gain something?
Am I living a life that is so comfortable that I'm not willing to get a little gravy on my shoes and show that I'm doing that the Lord wants me to do?
All of these thoughts pondered in my head and SOOO many more after watching this movie. It was conviciting and I want to make sure that I'm doing what he has commanded me to do in every aspect of my life.
And for the remainder of that song:
When Darkness veils his lovely face, I rest on his unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil.
When he shall come with trumpet sound, O may I then in him be found!
Dressed in his righteousness alone, faultless to stand before the throne!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)