Thursday, November 30, 2006

Do we live in the North Pole???

Wow! Something about these two pictures I'm not particurally fond of!

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Old Church Songs

Do you have a favorite church song from the past? You know...the hymnal songs???

Our beloved worship misinster....bless his little heart....loves to throw me for a curve when it comes to singing songs. I start reading through the list to sing for the day and all of the sudden...there is this song....I've never heard of it.

More often than not...these are songs that are written in the 1800's and let me say...I wasn't even thought of at that time. But some of our beloved basses love to pick on me and the older songs I don't know.

There are some that I truly love:
My hope is built....(This is my absolute FAVORITE!!!)
It is well with my soul
Paradise Valley

Those are just to name a few. I don't know if I should even go into naming the songs I don't like to sing. That ususally comes back to haunt me later. ;o)

So what are your favorite hymnal songs?

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Is beauty distorted???

Go here and tell me what you think?


Yesterday was the second round and of testing for Ian and let me say....."HE DOES NOT LIKE IT!" Wow! He was so angry when it was time to leave. They didn't get as much accomplished as they would have liked to, so we go back 2 more days next week. Not only frustrating for him, but us as well.

I needed something to hold onto so this is what they told me.

We know he definitely has Autism...just not sure what degree yet. The more we can get done during the testing...the more we will know.

He has a verbal learning disorder...which is totally opposite of what they were expecting. Most children with the symptoms he has, have a non-verbal learning disorder. However, he's never managed to fall into any certain category like everyone else. He's always the unique one. Go figure!

His IQ is very high. He is very smart, however, his brain doesn't allow him to do the normal everyday functions that other children can do on their own.

They've reassured me that Ian will be able to make it in a normal school with the appropriate classes. Of course we are talking special ed classes so we need to make sure by next year, we find a school that has a really good program. The options for Town & Country or Riverfield are still open, however, I may need to donate a lung or kidney or something to afford the tuition.

But here was the kicker.....

There is no cure
There is no medicine to help his condition
He will not outgrow it
It could get worse with age

So even when we get a firm diagnosis, we will be in no better shape than we were when we started this process. Other than we will finally know what is wrong, and we will have to learn to manage our lives around him and find ways to help him better deal with his disorders.

I don't want to sound discouraged. The Lord says do not be discouraged. I'm not. Does frustration fall into that same category??? ;o)

God wants the best for us. We are His children and we are unique and special in our own ways. We are like that because He designed us that way. When I get frustrated with my kids, I wonder how many times our Father has been frustrated with me?
I want to do what is right for Ian and give him the best care and love a mother ever could. Lately, I'm not really good at it. I want him to feel as special as my God makes me feel. I want Him to share in that same glory. He may never be normal...but then again...who really is?

Monday, November 27, 2006

Brokenness...Poker...and Jerry Springer!

Each year I really don't look forward to the Thanksgiving holiday. Honestly, it means getting together with my family and sometimes, that just wears me out. Not that they are like anything off the Jerry Springer show...but sometimes....things just don't work out with everyone being together.

Right after high school I took a job here and decided college could wait until I was ready. 3 years later, I was married and starting a new chapter of life. What I think I missed out on was getting out of town, getting away from home, and really appreciating what I had here. Sometimes, it's difficult to appreciate something that you take for granted until it's gone. I've been married now for 12 years, I've moved 5 times, and I still live in the same square mile I grew up in. And I must is also 1/2 a mile from my parents home as well.
I never had the opportunity to move away, and my family has never moved so we don't really appreciate that "away from home" feeling.

Living close doesn't always provide the best relationship possibilities.

My dad and I had a falling out last summer and truly, I don't know who is having the more difficult time getting over it. Me or Him. I think in my heart that both of us want to make amends, but we just don't know how. I feel like time will certainly heal this wound, but truly wish I could forget the words that were shared in anger.

So last Thursday I was not really excited about getting together. I had it in my mind to just go over for dinner, eat and leave. He sat at the head of the table, and I sat at the far end about 25 other people away. There was absolutely no way to communicate with my mom & dad during dinner, but had a nice time talking to my other relatives.

After dinner was over we did the usual "family photo" session and then most everyone was leaving around 2:00. Ian was having a difficult time with the whole "big family" thing so I took Ian and Chad home and came back to get the other two kids who desperately wanted to spend the night with Grandma and Papa.

My brother and sister in law are big into "poker" and teaching everyone else how to play. I for one have never been a fan of the game....mostly...because I don't know how to play. They invited me in to start a new game but I saw my dad was playing. I wasn't sure I wanted to sit through that for very long.
Then we all had to switch seats for a moment and next thing I know...I'm sitting here next to my dad as we are both learning to play this game together.
Now...I'm not good at it at even worse. He's betting all his chips just because they are in front of him. What's he got to lose except chips anyway. The man bet every hand...never folded...and did pretty well.

So we sat there for what felt like an eternity...laughing....playing...laughing...playing until...well...of course, my brother....the di-hard poker player takes all our chips.

I guess the important thing is that we were spending some quality time together having fun and laughing. It's been over a year now that we've had any fun even being in the same room. So I can truly say that this year was something I really enjoyed.

Did we mend our brokenness with each other??? No. But I think it was a start.
I want things to be like they use to be in the past, but we can't change things that we are not willing to acknowledge. I think that begins with me. I pray God gives me that strength I need.

Another day of testing....

I'll shre some of my favorite Theresa pics as well. FAB job my friend!

This weekend was just a bit exhausting at work so today I am really tired. Yet...I continue to get up at 5:30am. Not sure exactly why....just routine. There's no such thing as sleeping in for me. ;o) But I enjoy the mornings and the quiet time I get to have my devotinals.

Today is our second round of testing for Ian. I know selfishly I would just like to walk in today and hear "no need....we have a diagnosis" but I know it doesn't come that easy. These test make the day SO LONG but I can rest in comfort knowing that today is the LAST of the longest days of testing. Anything after this will be short moments of testing. I look forward to when I can blog about something more solid.

Emilie has her last Orthopedic appointment today to see how the new growth on her arm has healed.I'm so excited that her arm is doing better.

Finals are coming up and I'm a bit nervous. It seems sometimes there are not enough hours in the day to study for it and then I wonder if I can retain all fo the information. No wonder I have migrains huh? Ha!

So I'm off for the day...excited for all the wonderful possibilites that God has lined up for me. Could be just another day...but truly, that statement doesn't exist for me. ;o)

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Happiness...and Sadness...all at once!

I got my Christmas present early this year. Actually....the day before Thanksgiving. I'll give you a has 4 all black...has black leather interior...and a 6 disc CD changer. As it was something I didn't need....I will say I was surprised and love it!


Today, I dropped my cell phone in water. Um...I don't think I'm allowed to get a replacement for a while. Unfortunately, it's the only phone I ever use. I must learn now how to be quiet and spend less time on the phone.

I know this just opened up some comments for some of you....all I can say is practice restraint!;o) LOL!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

What does God control?

I have no idea even how to start this blog.

I was having a very nice conversation with someone today about our son. She said to me:

"I don't know what you did to have a child like this"

I was so confused as to what she meant. When I asked her to elaborate she said:

"Well you have to had done something. Kids aren't just like this for no reason"

I explained to her that I believe we were given the kids we have because God trust us enough to take care of them like nobody else could. He knew us before we knew ourselves and that He gave us the family we have so that we would in turn....teach them to glorify Him and raise them up right.

Well....the conversation went south for me at that point. She says:

"I don't believe that. I believe there is a beginning and an end and God is a part of that. Everything else here on earth is done by choice and God has nothing to do with it."

I was dumbfounded!!! I honestly did not know what to say. I was lost. She believes that my children are the way they are because of something that I did here on earth to make them this way.

Wow....I could go on and on with this forever, but in my anger now...I will trust as I know how much my God loves me. I know He doesn't not punish us. I know that I do not have that kind of power to do the things she gave me credit for. I am strong enough to continue loving her and praying that God will open her eyes and pray that she will not pass blame onto me for the disabilities that my child suffers.

God I know you love me and I know you have all the power here on this earth and beyond. I know that you made my children special just for me and God I thank you for them! I thank you for their special needs and I thank you for trusting us to take care of them here on earth. You are the God of all greatness and I see your miracles every day. I pray God that she will see those too and know that YOU are in control of our lives...regardless of what the outcome may be. We know that you have the ultimate power and I pray God that in my conversations with her that you help me control my tongue and give me the correct words to communicate Your love for her as well. Amen

Monday, November 20, 2006

More on that last post.... my morning bible study challenged me last Friday. It wasn't what I expected to read at all and since I took on an extra shift and day at work this week....I didn't have time to just sit and ponder over this and pray about it in regards to my life.

Do you ever think at times that God just has picked YOU to do something that you really feel like isn't you?

Boy! I do! I find myself all too often telling God I'm not cut out for this or that...and then I'll wait. I'll wait for the "better" person to step up to do the job instead of me.

So where would we be today if Moses had done what I did? 3 times Moses told the Lord he could not do want he wanted him to do. "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue" (Exodus 4:10 ). But what did God do??? He developed a plan for Moses. Just like He does for us.

I can't tell you the countless times I have said "'ve got the wrong person for this" but yet He always makes it clear to me WHY he has chosen me.
Being the mother of a child with a mental disability...I've said "Why did He choose me for this"
And the fact is....I know he chose me for so many reasons. Not sure I can always see what HE sees in me...but I know that he equipped me long before I ever thought of having kids to be able to cope and deal with this.
Going into the medical profession I often wonder..."Am I the right person for this" and then He showes me how I am able to help in some unbelievable situations.

Sometimes, Moses....just don't have the right words to speak and ask Him or adequately tell him what I'm trying to communicate. But I know that God knows my fears before I come to Him. All I have to do is come.

The struggles this week are becoming ever more clear. New things have popped up that totally blindsided us. Nothing that I can't's just puts another spark in the flame...and that's okay. I know he has a plan and I have a plan...which is to follow HIS plan!

Psalm 20:4 May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.

All my plans my not succeed in my book...but I believe they follow His plan. to work with Him in obedience to what He has given me to do...and follow His plan. I think that's how both of us can come together.

Not sure I am communicating very well what my heart is going through...but it's worth a shot!

Friday, November 17, 2006

What does God want?

Does he want our "obedience" or our "ability"?

What are your thoughts? Think about this and Moses!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

First phase of testing is underway....

It was an exhausting day of testing for well as me. But I can only imagine that his brain was in overload this afternoon. He came home complaining of a terrible headache. I can only imagine.

I was comforted in speaking to the doctor today that there is hope. Hope that we will finally...after 11 years...make a firm diagnosis on Ian. Not that there will be only one...but could be several firm ones.

She gave me a ton of homework to do and I was eager to get started. As I got into the first hour of it, I was already exhausted. The information I had to recall and the things I had to write down on paper were not encouraging at all. I started to get discouraged. But I kept going and finished all of it in time to turn it back in before we left. She said..."Oh wow! You get a gold star for completing it today" and I said "You have no idea how eager I am to get this done".

However, she confirmed that there is no way we can just do this in 2 appointments. It's impossible for him to complete it. So we will be making several trips.

She gave me a couple of things we are possibly looking at and I won't say them until we have a firm diagnosis. I hope to know something before Christmas. I won't say that it doesn't hurt, because it does. Everyone wants the best for their child...the perfect child...well...I have a perfect child!
I just have to come to the realization that Ian will always be a special child in more ways than one. He will always have special needs...we will just have to accommodate him. The hard part for me will be asking others to make special accommodations for him.
God makes everyone special but He made him extra special just for us. We just have to find ways to make life a little more special for him so he can enjoy life to the fullest.

Surprise Problem?

I don't like to use those two words but they came up as one of my questions this morning in my bible study.

"Have you had a 'surprise' problem lately?"
Well, I had to really think about this one. I could almost point out a problem everyday that I'm surprised about. This morning it was not enough flour to make waffles. was no Diet Dr. Pepper and no cash in my pocket. And tomorrow I'm sure it will be something else. At work...well...I have LOTS of surprise problems that I'm not expecting. Everyday, a new surprise will appear. It's how we deal with those.

For me, I don't always do what I should. I'm a jumper! I like to jump right in there, fix the problem, and then move on. That way, the problem no longer exists and I know that it was done well. Why? Because I fixed it. I am in control.

But how many times do we rely on God to fix our 'surprises' of the day? I mean...even not having enough flour!! Did I go to God with that? Not really? Okay...maybe I said..."Lord, please let me find something else for my poor starving children so they aren't angry they are not getting waffles"....but yeah...I still don't think that is exactly what my study was trying to say this morning.

Do we listen to the Holy Spirit whispering promises to us? Well...I don't think I really thought about it until I was driving back home from dropping the kids off. That's my quiet time with God. Did I pray for more flour??? No...because I knew that wouldn't happen. Did God know my heart really wanted to find something to make the kids happy? Yes, I believe he did. Does He know I'm doing the best I can? Yes..but I feel He probably thinks I can do better.
But what exactly is it that the Holy Spirit would be promising?

* "I will never leave you or forsake you" (Deuteronomy 31:6).
* "As your days, so shall your strength be" (Deuteronomy 33:25).
* "And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory forever and forever" (Philippians 4:19).
* "Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand" (Isaiah 41:10).

What those kind of I even need to question it? Probably not! ;o)

Have you had any 'surprises' sneak up on you lately?

Monday, November 13, 2006

Testing day!

Tomorrow we take Ian in for his first set of neurological testing. My heart hurts about this.
Don't get me wrong, I really am ready for it....but it will be hard to hear the results.

After talking to a friend and co-worker, I took a different step in hopefully the right direction.
I called special Olympics to see about getting Ian into a sport. that doesn't sound very difficult, as a parent, it really is. I think we have been in denial for so long that it is time to step out of the box we have been living in...ore moreso....hiding in and find a place where Ian fits in.

After I hung up the phone, I called Chad to where I got very emotional about this. I think reality sometimes just hurts. I want to help him, but it comes back to my selfishness and being on my terms. I have to get over that.

I want to do anything I can to help him and children like him get what they need. A life well deserved. He has no friends and that is so hard for me to sit back and watch. I love him dearly and want him to have the best life possible. That means I have to swallow my pride and quit thinking about what I want, and do what ultimately is best for him.
I'm sure there's some biblical truth in that!

I called Jenny!

I went to weigh in this morning and I've lost 3 more pounds! Yay!!! If I had only lost 2 more ounces, I would have lost a total of 20 lbs! Well...I'll settle for the 19 pounds I have lost along with the many inches I am shedding. I was excited to fit into a new pair of jeans 2 sizes smaller! I look forward to shedding the other 30 I'm trying to lose! It will be tough....but I'm doing it! I will feel so much better when I can start really seeing the results with my own eyes and not being so critical of myself.

Friday, November 10, 2006


Conversations with Emilie:

Emilie: Mom...I know what In-ted-gritty is.

Mom: Okay...what is it.

Emilie: It's when you do somebody's elses wrong better.

Mom: I'm not sure that's quite right.

Emilie: Yeah it is....When someone is doing something wrong, you do it better.

Mom: Do you mean When someone is doing do the right thing anyway?

Emilie: Okay mom...I mean....When someone does something wrong, I make sure I do the same thing...I just do it better than they did!


Thursday, November 09, 2006

I'm not what I could be....

I am often guilty of going to God only in the difficult times. Hard situations make me rely on Him more often. I find myself talking to Him more when I'm down, rather than rejoicing His name when I'm up.

I know I'm not the only person that does this. However, it's something about me that I want to change.

The past two months in our home has been very difficult. At times, I felt like I was at the end of my rope and even turning to God wouldn't help. In fact, I blamed Him for many things that were happening in our lives. As I look back...I see how foolish that really was. However, I know I have a God who can handle my anger. He's just big enough for that! ;o)

This morning I was driving the kids to school and notice a very unusual peaceful feeling in the car. It's one that I don't find often. As the kids got to school I got my usual hugs and kisses and watched them walk away. All smiling, all happy, and me....well...I was pondering the moment. It's those peaceful moments of the day that I long for. I don't get very many....and I'm not complaining.

When driving back home, I had about 20 minutes to myself. 20 minutes I could use to be grateful to God for all the things I have and the happiness he brings. To thank Him for these peaceful moments of rest he has allowed me over the past week or so. I think He knew I needed a break. In fact...He probably knows a lot more than I give him credit for.

I'm not the best mother in the world, but I do try. There are days I don't want to try. I don't want to think about it. But today isn't one of those. Today I am joyful for the children I have and small glimpses of light and hope that God gives me into their future.

I'm not the best wife in the world, but I do try. Again, there are days I don't want to try or think about it....but today isn't one of those. I'm so proud of the husband I have and the love and support he gives me. I can't imagine my life without him. Some day's...I don't feel good enough for him...but he never makes me feel that way. He is so special to me.

I'm not best Christian I could be. I try...but I don't try as hard as I could. I don't put as much time and energy into being a christian as I do being a wife and mother. I think that since it is something that I am....then it should already be easy.'s not. It too needs work.
Maybe if I got my priorities straight, many things would be much easier.

For today, I thank God for the moments of grace He allows me and the peace that He put in my heart. Life is not easy, and Satan will attack me for sure....but I know with His love and mercy, He will help strengthen me into the woman I really need to be.

Friday, November 03, 2006


Thanks to Theresa....I just LOVE this picture. makes me feel like one of these days we are going to be in trouble by this little one!!!

Thursday, November 02, 2006

You knew I'd blog about it!!!!!

Psalm 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield;my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.

Tonight I had the most awesome experience worshipping with our praise team. Shane began by telling us we were going to have a short practice this evening and we were going out to the prayer tower to do something special. I was excited as I LOVE to sing in the tower and I knew no matter what...we would end the night in the tower. It just sounds SOOOO beautiful out there. It's totally a different feeling.
So we end quite early...even after having a great rehearsal and walk to the tower. When we arrived...I couldn't believe my eyes. There was a table set up for communion.

Psalm 107:21-22
21 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men. 22 Let them sacrifice thank offerings and tell of his works with songs of joy.

I can only tell you that my heart began to beat faster and my hands began to shake. I couldn't believe that finally I was going to be able to take communion with my church family once again. I've been working since July so I have been unable to make it to a Sunday service. But this was no ordinary communion service. It was precious as the thoughts that were shared by each person as God placed something on their heart.
Eagerly I couldn't wait to break the I walked to the table, my hands were shaking more and more. My heart was beating faster. Why? What was God placing on my heart. The tears were flowing from my eyes. I think Cheryl may have noticed me shaking and came to pour the blood of Jesus for me. I am glad she came to the table with me.
The night continued with heartfelt words and song and ending with of course "There's no God like Jehovah". Ha! That made me laugh but I was ready to dance along as well.

I am so excited tonight. It was more than communion for me. It was being with family. It was celebrating His love and His life for us together. I can't think of a better moment. I couldn't help but cry tonight as I felt God's love pouring through everyone in the tower. Again, I thank God for this moment. I thank God for every moment He allows me to celebrate with my church family. And to think...I almost DID NOT show up tonight because of a migrain. God works in great ways!!!

Psalm 7:17
I will give thanks to the LORD because of his righteousness and will sing praise to the name of the LORD Most High.

This moment tonight is one that I will cherish forever. Knowing we came together as a group, as friends, as family and broke bread together was priceless. I love this group.

What is a mother to do????

Emilie had her cast removed Monday. YAY!!!!

She broke her thumb on her other hand last night!!!! Oi!