Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Why question the obvious?

Today is day #4 of no pain in my back. I want to add "at all" to the end of that sentence, but can't quite do that yet.

I have been able to sleep with no pain, work with no pain, walk with no pain, hug with no pain, and smile with no pain. This makes me so happy!!!

I haven't seen the results to my CT scan yet and won't see them until I get back from Nashville. I've prayed and prayed, along with others, that I would be relieved of pain. That prayer, has been answered.

The only time I notice it is when I've been sitting for a long period of time and need to stretch. My own medical conclusion to that is a muscular problem, not a spinal problem.

I'm not concluding that there isn't a fracture in L5 when in fact I saw it is possible that the fracture has been there much longer than I have been hurting. It may be possible that I pulled a muscle (which takes 4-6 weeks to heal) while moving 4 weeks ago and it brought enough attention for me to get it checked out. While doing so, they found the fracture. But.....the fracture may not be a problem. Hummmm. (I think I should go into the medical field or something! :o)

But the obvious thing I know is this.....we prayed, over and over and over, and God answered. It has been so nice to be pain free these past few days without any help from medication at all. All I needed was to rely on the ultimate healer, and let Him do His work in me.

Yep! That's my God!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I'm not old! But I'll GLOW!

I've been waiting to meet with the orthopedic surgeon for the past 10 days. Today was my day.

I left my clinical early to arrive on time but yet, I had to wait almost 1 hour in that cozy little room with paper on the bed while staring at the multiple pictures on the wall of the "PERFECT Spine"

Finally, he walks in and oh my goodness, you can tell this man has a chip on his shoulder today. He wouldn't look at me and just said "Why are you here today". (in a not so nice tone)

I started from the beginning which was about 3 weeks ago and he really didn't seem to care....he just wanted to look at my x-rays from the previous doc.

He looks.....he's silent.....and finally says "Well, I don't know where they are coming up with that! I can't tell anything by these x-rays"

So guess what.....I go across the hall for more xrays.
(I think I should be pretty radiant by now!)

I am just sure at this point he is going to come back in and tell me that my other doctors are just plain nuts and all I am looking at is a pulled muscle. I'm just sure of it.

So he comes back and proceeds to put the xrays up on the lights. He's very abrupt and arrogant acting while this is going on. But once again, he is silent. HUMMMM.
I finally ask him "Well???"

I don't think I should have asked because I didn't really want to hear the next thing out of his mouth. He said...."maybe they were might have a fracture"

SHOOT! :o(

I said...."Well, if that is the case, what is the healing time?"
He says..."There's not.....we'll have to go in surgically and place a screw in your spine to hold it together"

Now....I'm silent.

He then proceeds to tell me that the other pain I am feeling are just he effects of "OLD AGE"! Okay! NOW!!! I am talking to a man who has grey hair and probably not all his own teeth and he is calling me OLD. Wow!
He not only said it once.....but 4 times. He told me that at age 37....things will get worse. Guess there's a magical thing about the number 37! Not sure what!

So....I now know that I have to have ANOTHER CT scan next week, I am 52 days away from being "OVER THE HILL", I have a pressure point weakness in my "gluteal muscle", I may need a screw in my back, and that not 1, not 2, but yet 3 doctors now cannot figure out what is wrong with me. All I can tell you is that by the time all of this is over, I will GLOW from all the radiation I have been exposed to.

I live such a blessed life! To be able to sit here an journal about this just makes me laugh. I tried so hard to make this mans day better, and only once I saw him smile for a brief second,but if all I can get is a brief smile for a $40.00 co-pay...well then I'll take it. I hope that I brightened his day by being his last patient and that maybe he'll think about the quick whitted jokes I thew his way on his drive home and be blessed. I pray he is a MUCH better evening than the day he was having.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

oh...just random

It's been a really good week so far. I feel like I've gotten so much done, but yet have so much left to do. I'm wondering if those boxes will ever go away in the garage. But honestly, I'm living without them, so that's okay. They can stay there for a while.

I am finding it a challenge to plan out my work schedule a whole month in advance. Now, I know most people know they go to work 8-5 M-F and that's that. But then they can plan accordingly. I just plan my schedule around my social life and school. So in order for me to take a day's got to be really important to me. :o)

Had dinner with mom and dad today. They came to help me fix a couple of mini blinds this afternoon and then took me to olive garden. What a nice treat. Haven't been there in so long! Loved the well as the company.

It's really hot out. And I love hot weather.

I think something may be wrong with our dog. I noticed her eating the grass this afternoon. From what I understand, this is not a good sign. I better keep a close eye on her.

Our mailbox is up and getting mail. It's nice to not have to drive to the post office anymore to get our mail.

I got a new drivers license today. It doesn't look as good as the last one!! :o(

We are getting ready to reach the 1/2 way point of this semester. That is good news. The bad news is...they are having the first exam when I am in Nashville and I have to take a deduction for that. I was sad. Guess I really better know my stuff! No extra credit for me.

This semester is getting more difficult as the weeks go by. Lots and lots of math. Not my strong point! I usually have to wait for the light bulb to come on for me to get it. of right's still dark up there.

I am notorious for getting lost. I have to admit I am directionally impaired. It's quite comical until I really get lost. Sometimes, especially at night, it's kinda scary. I think I need to implant a personal GPS until into my body so that if I am lost, I can always be found! :o) And then someone can tell me how to get where I am going.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I'm not who I was.......

Tomorrow is the day. I heard the news earlier this week. The wife of the man who abused me for 6 years of my life....has died. Now....they are both gone.

How is one supposed to feel with that kind of information? Happy? Sad? Angry? Emotionless? or maybe just don't care. I can say, I've had all those emotions....over time.

I was in an awkward spot when I heard the news via text. I was singing with our praise team which forced me to not react. I could have left and I did consider it, but decided the best place for me at that moment was right there. For the rest of my time there, a particular numbness came over me and my mind was consumed. I knew the questions would be coming....and in fact, they will come even more when none of my family shows up for the funeral.

I must admit, I shook almost uncontrollably as I typed her name on the Tulsa World website to verify her death. Parts of me still feels like it isn't real.

It's been interesting that the events of my childhood have been at the front of my mind for the past 48 hours. Some of them more painful than others, but all in all,I think I've dealt with it pretty well. Had a small talk with my mom today. And then my brother called and we talked. It's really amazing how something like this can crush a family but also bring such a great amount of healing. Only something that is as Great as the power of God can bring that type of healing.

I am at such a good place in my life. And in saying that, I wouldn't change it for anything. I don't know who I would be today if I had not survived the events of those dreadful years. Would I be strong? Would I be a good mom? Would I know right from wrong? Would I be the person I am today? Only God knows.

For the rest of my life I will be.....just who I am. I will never ever be who I once was. I will always have a past and always have a story of healing, but I choose not to live with that pain again.

I do not know if they were sorry when they died. I do not know if they asked for forgivness. But my prayer tonight is that God shows them the mercy that they never bestowed upon me. I pray that they never have to feel the pain that I felt as a child. I pray that the memory of them here on earth is good to those that they served well. I pray that their souls are reunited once again as husband and wife and that they spend enternity of happiness together.

I pray that God teaches me to be strong in spirit during the weak times. I pray that he gives me strength tomorrow morning as I pray for those that are mourning the loss at her funeral. I pray that God helps me continue to heal this part of my life and I pray that he will never let me forget the events in my life where I felt so broken......and I turned to him......and he healed me.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


Tonight at powersurge we watched a Rob Bell video which spoke about the names we wear and the names that God intended for us. Then we had an exercise where we wrote down some of the names that we were thinking about ourselves as well as thought of what we really want to be and what God wants us to be.

One thing was really interesting to me about this exercise. I could not write anything negative at all. My mind wouldn't go there, my hand wouldn't write it, and my heart knew how God wants me to think of myself.

I remember a time many, many, years ago where I felt totally worthless. I felt like I amounted to nothing. I was horrible at everything I did and completely failed in my opinion. I might as well....not have existed.

After much prayer and time with God, I promised myself that I would take negative self talk out of my vocabulary. It didn't go away instantly, but week by week, moment by moment, it slowly started to get better. I would no longer allow myself to beat me up.

I can't remember the last time I called myself any negative things. At the moment I think it, I make a choice to change it. With this training, I have been able to overcome so many obstacles in life. One of the biggest being jealously of the things I don't have or the person I won't ever become.

I am proud of this accomplishment in my life. I am happy that God has worked in me to help me overcome so many human made barriers that I put up between me and Him.

I'm sure that I will have many more barriers that come up in my life and I pray that I am quick to recognize them and to destroy them quickly so I never lose site of the Father.

Ephesians 4:29-30
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption."

I think this also applies to US not talking negative about ourselves. If He doesn't want us talking unwholesome about others....or things....I would say this applies to us as well.

In the face of a very rough week around here, I pray that God continues to help me keep my thoughts clean and that I will not belittle myself as I did before. I'm a beautiful child of God who is funny, pretty, confident, outgoing, honorable, trustworthy, dependable, strong, faithful, devoted friend, forgiven, and completely healed.

I pray that His face will always appear to others....before mine.