Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Never knew I'd feel this way

I'm not really a dog lover. I don't mind playing with them and being around them, but I'm not very good at raising them. But we've always had one. Last week we put our precuious Lady to sleep. It was by far one of the hardest moments in my lifetime. I can't recall a moment that I have ever cried so hard alone.....but this time I cried in front of people. There were no wiping these tears away. Just before we laid her down at our laps, she came over and licked my tears off my face. I'm not a fan of doggie kisses, but these were priceless. I think she was telling me that she knew I wasn't good at this, but she still loved me anyway. She was telling me it was okay. She wasn't the greatest dog ever. She tore up the back yard, ate the cable lines, made more poop than any one dog ever should. But when I commanded her, she listened. She sat. She laid down. She fetched. She walked beside me. And to think, she was really Ian's dog. Not mine. But she treated me like she loved me. It was hard to watch Ian let his best friend go. It was hard to watch his heart shatter. It was hard to have to see him feel like his decision was not right. But we all knew it was. We no longer wanted her to suffer. I don't know why, but I don't believe I'll see her again. I don't believe animals go to Heaven. I believe they are here on earth to serve an earthly void that some of us may have. I could be wrong, and if I am, I'll bring a yellow tennis ball and yellow bat with me as those were her favorite toys. And if not, then I know that I had 13 good years with her by my side watching over us and being the best friend to my kids that we've ever had.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Trusting Pain

I think 2014 will go down in record for being the worst year of my life. So many things happening that make me question "why"? I don't really get it. In this year my heart has been forced to hate, instead of love. My heart has grived instead of been joyful. My mind has been busy, rather than resting. And all in all, there are so many things to be joyful for. I admit, there are times I want to throw up my hands and say "Satan, you win". The war he is waging against us is too difficult to fight. My faith struggles. I struggle to find the good in evil. God said to hate what is evil but love one another. I can do the first. I can't do the second. Someone once said to me "Pain is what you make it". I don't believe that. I believe pain is 2 things 1. A body ache 2. An emotion which rips the heart in two. Healing both of those takes time. Most of the time, the body heals from the inside out. Wounds are sometimes left open so that the body has time to allow the tissue to fill in the gaps. This takes time and is very painful. There are times where we put on a wound vaccum to make this process a bit faster. I've never seen a wound vac for the emotion that breaks your heart. Matter of fact, I think it takes longer to heal those wounds. With the healing of broken hearts come trust, forgivness, self control, love, etc. When you are pain, you are blinded by doubt, pity, rage, and hatred. A band aid won't fix any of those hurts. My heart misses smiling. It misses joy. It misses all the things that it once had. The places I use to find peace, I no longer feel it. Where I would find joy, is gone. All I can think to do is to trust in the pain that we go through. How stupid does THAT sound? Trusting pain! It hurts. We want to trust what feels good, not what brings us down. Pain is work. It is greiving. It is work!!! And through work we become exhausted. The only way to ever heal is to trust the process. You must trust in those very things that hurt you the most and trust that they are not there to harm you, but to grow you. We don't go through life just moving on. We move through it. Good or bad, we keep going. The good thing in all of this is that I'm not stuck. Emotion is moving. It's flowing. As long as it's not stuck in one moment....and it's BOUNCING around all over the place, I'm good. However, it does make one think they may be bipolar! :) So today I am not going to tell myself it will get better. Today I will tell myself that I am going to survive this.