Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Never knew I'd feel this way

I'm not really a dog lover. I don't mind playing with them and being around them, but I'm not very good at raising them. But we've always had one. Last week we put our precuious Lady to sleep. It was by far one of the hardest moments in my lifetime. I can't recall a moment that I have ever cried so hard alone.....but this time I cried in front of people. There were no wiping these tears away. Just before we laid her down at our laps, she came over and licked my tears off my face. I'm not a fan of doggie kisses, but these were priceless. I think she was telling me that she knew I wasn't good at this, but she still loved me anyway. She was telling me it was okay. She wasn't the greatest dog ever. She tore up the back yard, ate the cable lines, made more poop than any one dog ever should. But when I commanded her, she listened. She sat. She laid down. She fetched. She walked beside me. And to think, she was really Ian's dog. Not mine. But she treated me like she loved me. It was hard to watch Ian let his best friend go. It was hard to watch his heart shatter. It was hard to have to see him feel like his decision was not right. But we all knew it was. We no longer wanted her to suffer. I don't know why, but I don't believe I'll see her again. I don't believe animals go to Heaven. I believe they are here on earth to serve an earthly void that some of us may have. I could be wrong, and if I am, I'll bring a yellow tennis ball and yellow bat with me as those were her favorite toys. And if not, then I know that I had 13 good years with her by my side watching over us and being the best friend to my kids that we've ever had.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Trusting Pain

I think 2014 will go down in record for being the worst year of my life. So many things happening that make me question "why"? I don't really get it. In this year my heart has been forced to hate, instead of love. My heart has grived instead of been joyful. My mind has been busy, rather than resting. And all in all, there are so many things to be joyful for. I admit, there are times I want to throw up my hands and say "Satan, you win". The war he is waging against us is too difficult to fight. My faith struggles. I struggle to find the good in evil. God said to hate what is evil but love one another. I can do the first. I can't do the second. Someone once said to me "Pain is what you make it". I don't believe that. I believe pain is 2 things 1. A body ache 2. An emotion which rips the heart in two. Healing both of those takes time. Most of the time, the body heals from the inside out. Wounds are sometimes left open so that the body has time to allow the tissue to fill in the gaps. This takes time and is very painful. There are times where we put on a wound vaccum to make this process a bit faster. I've never seen a wound vac for the emotion that breaks your heart. Matter of fact, I think it takes longer to heal those wounds. With the healing of broken hearts come trust, forgivness, self control, love, etc. When you are pain, you are blinded by doubt, pity, rage, and hatred. A band aid won't fix any of those hurts. My heart misses smiling. It misses joy. It misses all the things that it once had. The places I use to find peace, I no longer feel it. Where I would find joy, is gone. All I can think to do is to trust in the pain that we go through. How stupid does THAT sound? Trusting pain! It hurts. We want to trust what feels good, not what brings us down. Pain is work. It is greiving. It is work!!! And through work we become exhausted. The only way to ever heal is to trust the process. You must trust in those very things that hurt you the most and trust that they are not there to harm you, but to grow you. We don't go through life just moving on. We move through it. Good or bad, we keep going. The good thing in all of this is that I'm not stuck. Emotion is moving. It's flowing. As long as it's not stuck in one moment....and it's BOUNCING around all over the place, I'm good. However, it does make one think they may be bipolar! :) So today I am not going to tell myself it will get better. Today I will tell myself that I am going to survive this.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Something about this song I heard on the radio really grabbed my attention. Especially when I hear teenage girls singing it. When talking to them about it, I was shocked to know their feelings about it. It seems they aren't feeling like they are in a dark place or have a dark side, but yet, they believe this communicates the committment one might have to another who is less than perfect and we should all love each other, even with our dark sides. We are all less than perfect. Amazing what you can learn from a 12 year old that is belting out the lyrics to something like this. Glad to know what she's singing isn't the message that some might hear in these words but communicating a greater message of what it could really be.

There's a place that I know, It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now, Will it make you run away, Or will you stay
Even if it hurts, Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am, Please remind me who I really am
Everybody's got a dark side, Do you love me? Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect, But we're worth it, You know that we're worth it
Will you love me? Even with my dark side?
Like a diamond, From black dust
It's hard to know, It can become, A few give up, So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am
Everybody's got a dark side, Do you love me? Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect, But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it, Will you love me? Even with my dark side?
Don't run away, Don't run away, Just tell me that you will stay
Promise me you will stay, Don't run away, Don't run away
Just promise me you will stay, Promise me you will stay

Monday, June 18, 2012

Containing myself....

You ever have something that's happening that you are so excited for?  And not even excited for yourself, but for others?  Sometimes I feel like I can hardly contain myself.  I want to get excited and jump for joy, but something holds me back.

For several years I have had the opportunity to be a part of some exciting things.  But Satan sure finds a way to steal that joy. So much so that I fear I can't share my excitement with others. I have to contain it, bottle it up, and keep it to myself for fear of the reaction and feelings of others.  I don't want to hurt anyone or offend anyone. But.....God has given me more than ample amounts of opportunities that I should be allowed to get excited over.....but Satan comes in and destroys that.  How is this even fair? 

But wait....what if....it's not Satan that is doing this, but God is wanting me to learn something. 

Satan comes in to steal our joy and destroy things that bring glory to God.  Right?  What if.....God is teaching me to be humble in these situations?  Teaching me humility?  Teaching me how to find the joy in all situations.  Just because I can't shout it from the roof tops doesn't mean it can't bring glory to God.  But...what if God DOES want me to share my joy that I have because of Him?  Then am I taking away opportunities for how incredible He really is?  How am I to know? 

Proverbs 12:23 says Smart people keep quiet about what they know, but stupid people advertise their ignorance.

1Thessalonians 4:11 says, "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands."

Just what if....He wants me to do His work quietly?  What if He's working on my ignorance and making me smart?  So many verses speak to how I'm feeling today, where I've been, and what it is that I want to become.
Guess I'll continue to be that work in progress. 

Friday, May 11, 2012


Ever wonder what it's like to have short term memory loss?  Fear not!  Let me explain how much fun it's NOT! 

Over the past 48 hours, post procedure-surgery, I am finding myself repeating the same things over and over to the same people, as well as, not remembering things that I think are pretty important. 

It's frustrating & embarrassing all at the same time.  My co-workers have been very generous listening to me and giving me soft corrections.  I've been informed that this is a side effect of the new heart medication I'll be taking.  Oh joy!  The problem is, I'm finding myself not wanting to talk to anyone out of fear I may have already spoken to them and just don't remember. 

I came home today and put on the one thing that is familiar to me.....music.  It brought me to tears not remembering some lyrics.  But, it soon came back to me. Just like a story that I was trying to sing. 

I've exhausted myself today trying to remember things.  From this morning, to several weeks ago.  I've been reminded of the things that are important and just closed my eyes and had to let the other things go that I was trying to hard to concentrate on. 

I'm thankful today for my husband who notices these things in me and is willing to help me through it. And my kids, who are extremely patient with me when I need reminding. 

Guess I'll buy stock in post-it notes :) 

Friday, April 27, 2012

......til it's gone.

There's that saying "You don't know what you've got....'til it's gone"
We lose things all the time.  We take so many things forgranted.  A simple  hello, a hand shake, a hug, the ability to speak, sing, or dance. What if tomorrow just one of those things were gone?  How would you handle it?

I've learned over the past 6 months to take nothing forgranted.  NOTHING!  And be content that God and give...and take away...blessed be the name of the Lord.

I'm fortunate that I married "up" in this world.  God has given me the best gift ever in a husband that is so understanding and caring for me.  When things are really not in his favor, I am still the one he worries about.  He's more worried about how I feel, rather than how things should be affecting him.  I'm more worried about how he handles everything and worries about me.  I think this is why we make such a good couple.

I can't worry about the small things anymore and I've learned to sacrifice more because of the lesson that he teaches me.  I think God gave me him to teach me to be a better person, and a better wife. 

Friday, February 03, 2012


Have you ever lost any of your senses?

Over the years I've been losing the senses in my fingertips due to poor circulation. It's been a very slow progression. When I get cold, it gets much worse. Even painful. It has made me appreciate the sense of touch. I love to hold hands. Especially with my kids. To feel the warmth of another hand warming mine on a cold day when it is piercing to me is just the extra added bonus. If I ever lose all that, It will be hard.

Being sick over the past week has put fluid in my hears. As my doctor said "A TON" of fluid. She could not even see my left eardrum. It doesn't hurt, but I just can't hear. In fact, all I can hear is a constant low bass humming sound at all times. Makes me think the train is going by our house. It's made me appreciate the gift of hearing. I can't imagine living like this all the time. I've noticed myself trying to strain to hear things better. Turning my head, turning up the radio or TV, it's been difficult and frustrating. It's made me appreciate what I have and how well I can hear. I think God gives us a glimpse at times of what it could be like without something we take for granted so that we may better learn to appreciate it. Today...I appreciate all the senses I have and that God made them unique to me.