Tuesday, October 10, 2006

No title......

I really don't even know what to put as a title on this post. Really, I'm just here to ramble as my feelings are all over the place lately. I don't even know where to begin.

Truly, I don't need reasons to be mad at God right now since I'm a little disconnected from church right now. But my anger is getting the best of me.

I'm don't feel it's fair that Ian struggles so much. Everyday I see he getting worse and worse and the reality is...I don't want to accept it. For 11 years we've been able to deal and pretty much mask his neurological disorders from most people, but now, it's coming to surface. He's not making it in school....he can't process as much information as he use to....and his mind seems to be going a bit backwards rather than forwards. As we push and push him....it gets harder and harder each day. We thought from day one that the best thing to do would be raise him in a normal environment and then he will adapt. Now it's getting harder for him to do so. He has no friends, everyone picks on him, and he would rather just sit in a corner and draw forever than make any type of social engagement. Going out with him is getting more and more difficult everyday.

At our last Dr.'s visit, the Dr. informed me that we would have to move on to another Dr at this time. He has worked with Ian for 6 years and has taken him as far as he knows how. He doesn't know what else to do. My heart hurts to hear that. Ian has ADD/ADHD, OCD, ODD, Sensory Integration Disfunction, Anxiety Disorder, and is maxed out on his meds. He's borderline on some other disorders and since they are not full blown at this time, I refuse to tag him with anything else.

What on earth does God want from me? I'm so lost. I give up. I'm tired.....I'm tired of praying, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of thinking. Why did we not have a normal child? Now I'm back in school trying to finish my education and it feels like God is telling me to quit!!! Quit and take care of this boy He has trusted me with. I can't do it. I don't have the strength. I'm selfish. I just simply don't want to do it. So why is this getting worse? I don't take another day of someone telling me he won't make it.

I looked into Riverfield yesterday....I can't afford it. I'm checking into Sylvan today....but I'm not hopeful. Moreso....I don't want to be. I want to be mad. I want to be angry. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I've had 11 years to get use to it and it still hurts. Why can't he just get better rather than putting him on more drugs? Why can't he just feel in his mind the way other kids feel? Have I ruined him by trying so hard for all these years to give him a normal life? We went out to our schools appreciation night at Celebration Station last night and the kids were not nice to him. They treated him like a freak! I can't take it.

I'm in so much pain over this and I just want it to go away. In reality...I know it never will. I see miracles at work everyday....where is mine??? Tell me when it is coming. In reality...I know it's not. It's just not in the cards for me.


Anonymous said...

Your miracle is right in front of you. Ian has made it this long because he has a mother whose faith in God is so firmly rooted it can't be taken away. You are that mother, and you are amazing. I know you know this struggle has a purpose. I wish I could tell you what that purpose is, but all I can tell you is, sometimes in the midst of the pain, frustration, and anger, there is an amazing peace and an indescribable joy. They don't mask the negative feelings or even take them away, but they transcend them in a way I can't describe. And I want to encourage you to let Him in. Let Him show you that no matter how hard you struggle, He is still there, in control, and with His purpose in mind. And know also that you have friends who are praying for you, even when you're too exhausted to pray for yourself.

I adore Ian. I don't know if you know he's the reason I took on the 4th grade last year. He said to me, "Why don't any of our teachers stay with us? Do they not like us?" And I went home and cried. The words were so broken, so sincere. And I love that about him. You're an awesome mother to him. I love you, chica.

You really are the eye of the tiger, chica, and, through Him whose strength created the universe, you ARE strong enough for this.

The Prophet said...

Stay strong, Brenda.

Some Christians think that questioning God is a sign of weakness. For many in the Old Testament, it was a sign of faith.

This is actually where your faith will grow, where you'll put God to the test in your life. It's easy to be all happy with God when things are going well, but when things get tough, that's where real faith comes in. It's okay to question God. I'll be remembering you in my morning prayer time.

The Prophet said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Shane Coffman said...

"What on earth does God want from me?"

I think maybe you answered your own question:

"I give up."

It sounds like you've been trying to carry this weight yourself for a while. That's heavy. Far too heavy to carry alone. Thanks for letting us help you carry it.

Carrie said...

You know I am here for you....I am here to encourage you, and listen anytime....I cannot act like I know how you are feeling because each of us struggle in different ways! Don't give up praying because that is what Satan wants us to do.....God knows your pain, and in HIS time...and with your TRUST...he will take care of things....I need to take my own advice don't I:) I love ya!!!