Yesterday??? Just another day? Nope!

A day of sorrow....

A day of confession....

A day to declare....

A day to die....

And a day to LIVE!!!

Give it ALL.....

Wow...this is one of those blogs where I have idea where to start.

Do you ever have something so heavy in your life that the only way to deal with it....is control it yourself?

So many times, I try and try to give things over to God. But don't give it ALL to him.

Many times when I pray, I will get down on one knee. Nothing really wrong with that. Instead of kneeling on both knees, it's just one...so would that count as only partially giving something to God?
Does praying on one knee mean "I still want some control myself?"

Before God can do anything for us, He must have all of us. We must pray on both knees.

God of this City

I really love this song. It just speaks volumes to what God is getting ready to do here.

Being Random Again

I feel odd when I have nothing to blog. So much I could say...so much I probably shouldn't say. So...there is random.

* My semester is now 1/2 over. Last year this time, I was sick and Chad was sick. Praise God we made it through.

* I find that since I quit watching TV....my kids have pretty much quit too. Their attitudes are different, they are more loving, I see less fighting, and their minds are more creative. Still hard to get them to do their homework though.

* I have discovered that I like making videos. However, I found out that my OCD style makes it frustrating for me to get it "just right".

* Lukus' football team is now 6-0.

* My Thursday morning class at 6:30am is WAY TOO EARLY!!!!

* I wonder if I will want to stay in the house after it is fixed up? NO!

* I find that speaking into a microphone in front of an audience is MUCH HARDER than singing in front of an audience. Weird huh?

Overwhelmed!

Imagine my shock! I open the mailbox and there it is. A Homes and Land magazine with our house listed in it for sale! We don't even have a sign in the yard yet. And even better, it's listed on the Internet! Ugh! What to do? The house is not ready. I can't find time to get it done. I can't find a moment to breathe lately. The walls are sinking in fast. I have the supplies, the paint, everything. The hard work is done. The trim is taped off! It's ready to go. All I have to do is pour it in a pan....and roll it on. Sounds simple huh? Where do I find the time?
God sent an angel to call me last night. Tammy called and asked if she could put some time on her calendar to come over and paint. I don't have to be here, just leave it where she can find it and leave a key. My first instinct was to say NO. But the first thing that came out of my mouth was YES! It's so hard to ask for help when you know you really need it. We don't want to be needy people. But God designed us to lean on each other and to lean on Him. So that....is what I am choosing to do.

Our lifestyle has changed drastically this year. Chad's hours cause us never to see each other. Communication with him has nearly ceased or has moved into the texting phase. If it wasn't for technology, I would not ever get the chance to talk to him. Guess I should be thankful for AT&T.

I find myself searching for adult conversation again. I haven't experienced that since my kids were toddlers.

3 months ago I decided to stop watching television totally. If it weren't for the kids, I would not even own one now. (okay...not true...it is football season) But even with Football, I barely have time to take a glance at that. But I've noticed something. You know how much drama is on TV? Between sitcoms and the news, that's really all it is. So if you're not watching drama, well, you create it. And boy, did I ever know how to create drama. This is such a fault of mine! Maybe I should get wrapped up in those shows like desperate housewives (which I've never watched) or Grey's Anatomy or House or anything that gives me that fictional life that everyone dreams about. NOOOO! That's not the right thing!

In the little amount of time I do have, I have devoted about 30 minutes everyday to my own personal bible study. In three months it has been the most rewarding thing I have done and I love it. I have learned so much about myself by looking at my life and comparing it to someone in the Bible, a principle, or a law/commandment. Now...granted, that's not always good. What I have found out about me has not been great. Leading to being even more overwhelmed.

I've made some decisions in my life that haven't always been smart ones.
But today, I spoke to someone very encouraging who I believe is going to give me some hope for the future. I see a journey that I have been on which I call the path of destruction. I see a journey that I am embarking on that can only lead to me being closer with Christ. Recognizing that I am a sinner is the first step. How I deal with that is the next journey! Stay tuned!

Moving Mountains

In the past 3 months I have seen some of the worst parts of my life come to a head.

I have spent countless hours on my knees begging for help, and failing miserably.

Why does it feel like failing? Because I can't move on? Yes. When I experience pain in my life, I feel like there is a certain order of things that should happen. When I reach the point of being on my knees pouring my heart out to God, I think that everything should be okay and go away. That is not the case. What's really happening is I am expecting God to do it in Brenda time and not His time.

Timing is everything. Even when God created the world, it was all done on the basis of time....and he knew what to do next.

This weekend I am heading to Nashville with the Praise Team. However, I don't feel like I should go. I want to be there. I think God wants me to be there. I think there is something there for everyone of us that He wants to communicate to us. But when the going gets tough....I tend to run. And run in the opposite direction of what I really want. I have learned that is the wrong thing to do and can also lead to a path of destruction within yourself and among your friends and family.

When I got my new Zoe CD this week, I was really excited. But I had no idea how hard the lyrics of the songs were going to hit me. These are not songs that I have never heard before, but right now, they speak volumes to me.
"Mighty To Save"
Everyone needs compassion,
Love that's never failing;
Let mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness,
The kindness of a Saviour;
The Hope of nations.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in,
Now I surrender.

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus

I'm ready for Him to move the mountain in my life so I can be the child He wants me to be. But I'm fearful of failing.

SATAN IS A THIEF!!!

Does that title get your attention? It should!

What is it that Satan loves to steal? EVERYTHING!

One in particular is your joy! Because Joy bring SOOO many beautiful things that God intended to give us that Satan can't wait to rob you of it.

He's the real Joy killer. He tells us lies that hurt us beyond repair. He tells us things that make us feel that we are not worthy!

I suffer GREATLY from that! So many times in my life, including now, I struggle to find my self worth again. And every time, I know what God tells me about myself is the TRUTH! Yet, Satan comes in again to destroy all the worth I have. GRRRR!!!!!

The lies I fall for every time:

It doesn't matter WHAT I DO, I will never be able to measure up!

There is nothing I can do that is ever sufficient or pleasing.

I can try my hardest, AND I WILL STILL FAIL!

I am optional!!!! There is no one that I am a vital person to! I am easily replace and forgotten!

I don't have a purpose. I'm not making an impact. I don't make a difference.

The only reason people include me is because they feel sorry for me.

They don't really want to be around me. I am a burden on others.

Friend let me tell you....this is all a LIE! God gives us such peace and joy in times like this. He has the most unbelievable amount of patience in our times of despair. His love and acceptance is all that matters here on Earth! We should not look to please anyone else but Him. And if you don't feel like what you are doing is pleasing, then do something different. Different doesn't mean DRASTIC like my often changing hair color.....it just means tweak what you are doing somehow!
If you need a good cry....go cry! If you need to yell...go yell! If you need to lean on the shoulder of someone who cares for you...then do that too. But don't let Satan destroy you by taking away the joy of something that you have loved for so long and have such great passion for....just because you think you are worthless.
YOU ARE AMAZING, EXCITING, VALUED, and even if you don't realize it....someway....somehow....you are doing SOMETHING that is making a difference in the lives of others. Just because you don't HEAR it or SEE it happening, doesn't mean that God is not working through you. He is! God doesn't have to yell to get his point across. Most of the time, it comes in the deepest whispers of your heart!

There is a season....

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-2
A Time for Everything
1 For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
2 A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.

There is a season for everything in life. Some are long....some are short. No matter what the season, our lives are ever changing moment by moment.

Change can mean so many things, and it can also be very scary. Even if it's a road that you have walked down before, changing from what is "safe" to what is "challenging" adds a sense of excitement, adventure, and life into a season that has gone stagnant.

In my life, the word "change" is usually followed by the word "consequence". That really sounds horrible huh? Doesn't have to be.

I see a road and a journey that I am about to embark upon in the near future. But in order to walk that road, I must die to another. Sounds pretty harsh huh? Sacrifice is difficult. As I sit here and type this, I feel the lump in my throat and the tears filling up.

When a missionary goes out into the mission field, do they not have the same feeling? I think so. They give up a life they know and love to go into new waters hoping that the swimming lessons they took will pay off.

You shouldn't pray for God to do things in your life if you don't want them to come true. For me....that was today. I had not only one...or two...but many moments today where God appeared and laid the foundation for a new journey. In that, I had no idea what I would have to give up in order to make this a "YES" moment. And, it didn't hit me until talking to Chad and his reaction was "WHAT???? ARE YOU KIDDING?"

As I prepare myself in my own mind for changes that are coming, I pray that God put peace in my heart. I pray that He will give me the knowledge, wisdom, patience, and self control to move on and with everything I do, give Him the glory.

If it is His will, He will make it all okay and the lives that I impact will be closer to Him because of others seeing Jesus through me.

Friendship

Do you ever feel like everything you say is the wrong thing?

I think that would define me lately. It is so frustrating.

Practicing good healthy communication is highly important in today's society. For me, communication has to rank pretty high up on my personality profile as well as one of my love languages.

Most loving relationships, whether marriages or freindships, are based on good communication that most often builds up one another. But sometimes, when guards are down, things are said in love and trust that strikes a chord with the other party. Not intentionally, but it happens. Even in the best of marriages and friendships.

It is difficult to communicate lovingly and peacefully when you are angry or hurt. And in times like this, your relationships will start to show signs of stress and disconncetion from one another. Trust and safety start to fade away until eventually, deteriation has occured and you are down a path lonliness.

It doesn't have to be that way!
Relationships/Friendships usually involve recognizing each other's personalities. The likes, the dislikes, and so much more. Friends normally have a mutual sense of caring for one another and want to watch the other grow, develop, and succeed. Nobody likes to see their friends fail at anything. Sometimes, friends need to share feelings without the fear of judgement or negative criticism. That's not always easy to do. Especially if you are trying to help the other one succeed and not fail.
Proverbs 19:20-21 (NLT) Wise words satisfy like a good meal;the right words bring satisfaction. The tongue can bring death or life;those who love to talk will reap the consequences.


So how do you know a good friend....or if you are a good friend?
Friendships take time! Time of investing yourselves in each other. Committment! Even through the good and the bad. You are building memories. You are building trust! Trusting each other is always an important factor. We all need that person that we can call and share our feelings, our hurts, our wants, our happiness, our sadness, and our frustrations with. Trusting that person with our feelings is key. The lack of trust will destory a friendship fast!
Proverbs 18:19 (NLT)An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city.
Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars.

Forgivness is key in any friendship. Forgive those that have hurt you. Forgive yourself if you screw up! We may not always say what the other person wants to hear, but the fact is, they may need to hear it. Real friends tell eachother things that may not always be plesant, but things to help each other grow. I think that is why God designed us to have long lasting relationships.

Building long lasting friendships can be fun, rewarding, thrilling, exciting! It can also present challanges along the way that leave you looking for answers.

If I picture trying to build my friendships as I believe Jesus did, I would treat everyone justly, keep my promises, not knock others when they are already down, speak postive words, choose good role models, try to maintain my personal integrity,and live a moral life.
Maybe it's time for a good look into the friendships that God has placed into my life.
Am I helping them, or hurting them?
Friendships aren't for gain, but for growth, accountability, and leading each other to Christ.
If I'm anywhere else but there, then it's just not right.


Psalm 15
A psalm of David.
1 Who may worship in your sanctuary, Lord?
Who may enter your presence on your holy hill?
2 Those who lead blameless lives and do what is right,
speaking the truth from sincere hearts.
3 Those who refuse to gossip
or harm their neighbors
or speak evil of their friends.
4 Those who despise flagrant sinners,
and honor the faithful followers of the Lord,
and keep their promises even when it hurts.
5 Those who lend money without charging interest,
and who cannot be bribed to lie about the innocent.
Such people will stand firm forever.

Six Flags!!!

We went to six flags this weekend with the youth group and had an amazing time. We stayed outside under the stars and I can't tell you what a breath taking time that was!!! I actually enjoyed waking up during the night just to open my eyes and enjoy God's wonderful creation! It was so beautiful. Many times, we were awaken by cows, coyotes, and puppy mills. 25 of the 28 of us stayed outside and it was an experience to remember.


This was on the drive there. Just having some fun moments in the van.


I slept in close quarter with some cool girls! We had a blast and really...they just wanted to come over and get a picture with all my OU stuff!!! ;o)


Lindsay and I grew closer together this weekend. We had a great time connecting and bonding and had so many extreme laughs together. All I know (since she reads this blog) what is said in the van....STAYS IN THE VAN!!! ;O)



I had to laugh when these girls were really brave when we first got there to set up camp a bit a way from the rest of us. Notice the darkness in the back??? Yeah...they eventually moved a little closer to us!


I had some good moments with Ian this weekend! Great mother son weekend!


Morning football! Just another perk!



If you stand in the splash zone...you're going to get wet!


Good people!!!

It's been a LOOOONNNNGGGG day!




Keith led us in a great morning devotional just before we left this morning. The discussion from all was great. What a great way to end the day!

Migraine Problem Solved!

"A soft answer turns away anger but harsh words stir it up" (Proverbs 15:1).

New Favorite Song

Speaking through song

A dear person obvoiusly knows the way to my heart is through song and sent this to me tonight.

"Sufficient"

Hear my heart, Lord, as I cry out to You
Hear my prayer, Lord, and carry me through in Your mercy
In the promise You made, be my strength, Lord
When my strength fades away'Cause when I am weak, Your strength is complete
It's perfect, completely all I need
Sufficient for me, Your grace and your peace are perfect, completely all I need
You're all that I need
In my weakness, I'm finding Your strengthIn my sorrow, a gentle embrace
Through the seasons of laughter or pain
You are listening when I call out Your name
'Cause when I am weak, Your strength is complete
It's perfect, completely all I need
Sufficient for me, Your grace and your peace are perfect, completely all I need
You're all that I need
I will find You when I seek; I'll look for you with all of my heart
And I will find You when I'm weak, 'cause You are strong.

Update to Captivating Ch 3.

Thank you to the person that shared this verse with me today:
In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

It amazes me how God shows up when I get together with our group.

One thing that came up that really caught my attention. And this is just my summary of it.

As women, we are so hard on ourselves in regards to our marriages. When I met Chad, he gave up everything to be with me. He gave up an amazing job in Oregon, he gave up his family, he gave up the life he knew to stay here with me. I....was captivating to him and that is why he sacrificed everything for me.

See where this is going?

Well...who else sacrificed everything for me? So that I could have a good life? So that I could make a difference here? God did. He sacrificed his son for me. Jesus sacrificed his life for me? Why? Because he found me captivating.

I have a lot in life to still work on. But I know that he is still working on me. He watches me sin everyday and yet still loves me so much. I don't love myself as God loves me. That's not right.

I pray tonight that with all my failures and all my flaws that He will still find me as captivating as the day He created me. I know he does. I hope He will help me to see that within myself.

Captivating ch. 3

As I sit here and wait for my ride to our bible study for the night, I thought I would blog a few things from the next chapter. This is one of those books where you want to stop and read things over and over as you apply them to your own life. It's very difficult when you recognize yourself in the things that are said in the book:

"Whatever is not from faith is sin" (Rom 14:23)It is our gut-level response to a dangerous world

When we were young, we knew nothing about Eve and what she did and how it affected us all. We are wounded into believing horrid things about ourselves. And so every woman comes into the world set up for a terrible heartbreak.

Every woman knows now that she is not what she was meant to be and fears that soon it will be known and she will be abandoned. Abandonment: This is a woman's worst fear. Rather than turning back to God, we continue down that path by doing what we can to secure ourselves in a dangerous and unpredictable world.

Addictions turn on us and imprison us in chains that separate us from the heart of God and others as well. It is a lonely prison of our own making, each chain forged in the fire of our indulgent choice.

Hiding women dismiss every compliment. To hide means to remain safe, to hurt less. By hiding we take matters into our own hands. We don't return to our God with our broken and desperate hearts.

Desolate women are busy and hide behind "There's so much work to do" But they are consumed by a hunger for relationships.

Woman is cursed with loneliness. Man is cursed with futility and failure. Failure is a mans worst fear.

Doesn't sound very encouraging huh? Well, by the end of the night tonight, I bet I will find hope though this chapter and though God's word. Happens like that everytime!

Do you see what I see?

I think I may be finally seeing something here. ;o)
Or...less of something.

Before:

After:

New Moments, New Friends

Monday, while I was in class, I get a call from Ian's school.

That always makes my heart stop for a moment when I see that number.

I answered it and it was actually Ian.

He said that he made a new friend and his new friend wasn't feeling well.

The boy wasn't feeling well and has to walk home so Ian was wondering if he called his mom, if we could take him home after school. Of course I said yes.

They get into the car after school and Ian introduces me. We'll call him J.

J is very well mannered, very polite. I was quite impressed. We started talking about family and things and I find out the following information.

His dad is deceased. Accidentally shot himself 2 years ago.
Just before that happened, J was living in a psychatriac hospital. I did not find out why.
Between his mom, and his soon to be step dad, there are 9 children.
He has 1 younger brother.
His mom works for a church which they do not attend.

And well, I see potential for Ian to minister to this family in so many ways.

From now on, J will be a new person in my car at 3:40 everyday and if it helps him, and his mother, and Ian....then I'm all for it!

Making Progress!

Can't believe it's been a week since my last post. The last one was so good that I just couldn't let it go! ;o) I've been blogging other places, just not here. But I'm back now.

Today was the first time for me to go running with Chad. I physically didn't feel all that great today but I knew that I would regret it if I didn't go. At one point I think I may have pushed myself a little too much, but in the end, the payoff is worth it.

I've been working on treating my body better lately. Some say that I am very abusive to my physical body by starving myself. This...is true. I do not think that is what God wanted me to do.
One of the best gifts Chad has ever given me is the message translation of the Bible. And below is why:

Romans 12:1-3 (The Message)
Place Your Life Before God
1-2 So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.
3I'm speaking to you out of deep gratitude for all that God has given me, and especially as I have responsibilities in relation to you. Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.

I've read it a million times before. I've heard it over and over. And I have friends who have spoken these words to me without quoting anything. I love them for that.

I've been through a tremendous amount of pain in my life. But nothing compared to the pain that Jesus went through. So why on earth would I hurt myself in order to find happiness?

It's time to let it go. Why now? Because God said so! Why today? Same answer!
An interesting Q&A sheet I had to fill out Friday at my Dr. visit:
Do I want to change? Yes!!!
Will it be easy? No.
Can I do it? Yes.
On my own? No.
Am I ready to make a change? Yes!
Will I eat? Yes!
Will I make better choices? Yes!
Am I committed to God? Yes!!!
Will I fail? Maybe, but not in God's eyes.
Do I have people who love me? Yes!
Will I hold myself accountable? Yes.
Will I tell on myself for cheating? Yes.
Do I trust someone other than my spouse to tell? Yes.
Do I love myself? Yes! Yes! Yes!
The most important thing to me right now is:Pleasing God & being forgiven.

Well, that's it!

I'm doing so much better today and couldn't be happier!

Made a difference....

I hope over my life span I will have more blogs with that title.

But today, I received the best compliment ever from Lukus.

I have spent 90% of my day today caring for good friend in need. That has meant dropping everything I could possibly drop today and being by his side. 2 weeks ago, his father went to be with our Lord. At 4:30 this morning, his mother had a stroke. Let's just say that he has had his fair share of heartaches over the past few weeks besides the fact that he is going through a divorce. I can't imagine.
I feel honored that he cares enough to call and wake me up so that I can be there for him. I felt even more touched when his mother gave me the most beautiful crooked smile when I walked in. That crooked smile alone lit up the room for me.

As the day progressed, it called for me to run errands with him, and decide how to get his kids from place to place this afternoon and evening. It all worked out.
Everything went off without any glitches and he has been able to be with his mom.

When finally picking up my own kids from school, I was expalining the story to Lukus. And he says:

Lukus: "Mom, you're too nice"
Me: "Why would you say that?"
Lukus: "Because you are always doing everything for everyone else"
Me: "Well, I love to help other people"
Lukus: "Yeah....you're just like Jesus"

Wow!!! Now, I won't dare say that I amount to that at all. But if I never get another compliment in my lifetime.....that would be okay.

Yes! Mom plays FOOTBALL!!!

It's a great cardio workout! And I get to wear my jersey! And hug all over my OSU son!

I think there would be a penalty for this! YELLOW FLAG! YELLOW FLAG! He's trying to rip my shirt off...that's not allowed in Football!

I wasn't ready yet!!!! (words you should always hear in football)

I think he's saying "Stand Back...SHE'S MINE!"

It's all fun til MOM gets hurt! But I kept going!!!

Well, and then this happened!

I caught the ball LOTS of times! Shocker huh??

Seems to be distractions coming from the cheerleader!

I can dance too!!! ;o)

Okay...the serious throw combined with the Look Of Death!

And there you have it, MOM plays football.....and now walks with a limp!!! ;o)

Election Day! (Updated)

Today is election day for the Student Council and Red Cross at Key Elementary.
Emilie is one of very few 3rd graders running for office. She is running for Red Cross Treasurer.
Normally they don't run until the fourth and fifth grade. But she was determined.
We signed all the proper paperwork last week, got campaign posters made for the school, and well, the rest is up to her.
This morning I was not able to be present for her campaign speech in front of the school but Chad said she did very well and was not nervous at all.
We won't find out the winner until 2:30 today....so stay tuned!
I asked her this morning as I was fixing her hair:
"What will you do if you don't win" and she says
"I will be happy with the person that does win....and offer to be their assistant!"

Wow! Wonder who she gets THAT from! ;o)

She's always willing to pose!!!

Okay....Now she is all business!!!

I love at this age, kids are NOT afraid to get in front of an audience and speak on a mic!


Whew!!! That's over....now what do I do with this speech???


Emilie Won!!! She is now the Red Cross Treasurer! They were so proud of her since she is so young! Now...she says..."I get to play with the money" YEAH GIRL!!!!

Captivating

Last Sunday night I joined an amazing group of ladies in the study of the book Captivating by Jon and Stasi Eldredge. It is Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul.
I have to admit, I was a little intimidated to go to the group at first but didn't want to appear that way. I haven't been involved in a small group in a long time so I didn't know what to expect. And besides, they had already met once before so they were acquainted and already a step ahead of me.

When we arrived, I was introduced to two ladies I didn't know and we dove right into the study. It was one of the best talks I have had in a long time. I was open, I was honest, I was able to spill my heart to 5 people that I didn't know very well.
There is a God thing about that!!! I had an assignment from my doctor that I had yet to complete. I needed to talk to 5 people. It's funny how things work out at times. It was all difficult....but comforting at the same time. I'm glad I was there.

So onto the book! Chapter 1 is really just getting into the heart of a woman. Here are some things that stood out to me:

I am not enough, and I'm too much at the same time.
Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough, too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels , feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone! (REALLY??? Wow...I've said that a few hundred times)

We long to be the BEAUTY of some great story!
When we are young, we want to be precious to someone- especially Daddy.
"No boy will love you if you're fat" her father told her! (wow!)

We've missed the point! Prov 4:23
Our heart is who we are and the most important thing about us.
Most of our addictions as women flare up when we feel that we ARE NOT LOVED OR SOUGHT AFTER!!!
We want to believe there is something in us that is needed and needed desperately.
Passionate and powerful women are beautiful.
We were made to be a part of a great adventure. One that is shared!
Our lives were meant to be lived with others.
We long to be an irreplaceable part of a shared adventure.
We desire to be captivating in the depths of who we are!

A woman years to be seen, and to be thought of as captivating. We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil.

A woman in the presence of a good man, a real man, loves being a woman. A man in the presence of a real woman loves being a man.

Most women end up living two lives. On the surface we are busy and efficient, professional, even. On the inside women lose themselves in a fantasy world or in cheap novels, or we give ourselves over to food or some other addiction to numb the ache of our hearts. But our heart is still there, crying out to be set free, to find the life our desires tell us of.

God made me to be Glorious, powerful, and captivating!

Inner struggles

Do you ever wonder why you struggle with yourself on the inside? Not with just the way we look, but the way we act as well.

I was listening to a song in the car today and it was a very unique version of the song "Oh Lord, You're Beautiful"

Singing through the chorus a couple of times, it's finally hit me. How many times in my life do I stop and look in the mirror and don't like what I see? How many times have I been unhappy with my actions? Lots!

Isn't the truth that we really want to look like Jesus? Don't we want others to see Him through us? If I am so worried about me, and how I dress, or how I look, or how much weight I've either lost or gained, or how I act, etc. that others may not see the real true beauty of God in me. If I can possess the following....then my struggles may seem to disappear.

2 Peter 1:5-7 For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. 8For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Father I pray today that you let others see you in me. Both on the inside and outside. Father help me to look like you! Help me to have faith, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perserverance, godliness, kindness, and love. I believe I possess those things, but I am not great at them. I fall and stumble many times.
I desire for others to see you in me and am working hard toward the goal.
Help me to communicate your word and your desires to everyone I meet. Please Father, let someone see just how beautiful you are....just be seeing you in me.

Amen

Memory Lane

Let's just take a walk down the lane!
Over the years I had many musical capablilities. This was in the 8th grade at our winger concert.

Ah!!! 1982 Tulsa State Fair. That year I rode "Pride" in both English and Western competitions. I can tell you that just by the clothing alone, I loved the Western division the most. But did well in both.


Oh my....here are some senior pics! Now I would like you to know 2 things here:
#1.....I made that outfit all by myself.
#2.....The shirt....IS ORANGE!
Don't forget...my senior year, I had planned to go to OSU and major in Secondary Education. (Wow....my world changed)


Graduation! I had mono on this day and was having trouble even walking let alone standing and smiling for a picture.

Got Hair?

So for those of you who were TRYING to beat me with the biggest hair of the 90's....this will just let you know to quit trying! I win!




Also, here is me acting totally foolish while getting ready to show "Pride". I can't remember how old I am in this pic....but it was fun!

Scanner

I got a new printer and scanner and finally hooked it up this morning.

Couple of fun pics I found:

This is my all time favorite baby pic. My grandmother gave it to me just before she passed away.



This is me and my brother. This was my senior banquet that he escorted me to. He's such a cool guy.


More to come later

Another Angel....

Have you ever cried so much that you can't breathe?
Have you ever cried so much that your eyes burn and you can't open them?
Have you ever cried so much that you didn't think you had tears left?

That was me today as I watched another angel go into the kingdom.

Conrad Heflin with to be with the Lord this afternoon at 3:50pm. "Bish" is we loved to call him.

I came to know Bish when I was at the young age of 5 when his son, Zane, and I started Kindergarten together over 30 years ago. Since then, Zane and I have spent a lifetime of building memories together. Growing up, graduating high school together, getting married, having babies, and that's just the short list. There is not a time I can ever remember in 30 years of having an argument, getting mad at each other, or not speaking to each other. We've always maintained a great friendship together and today is no exception. I'm not sure Bish always agreed with everything I said....or yet....what I did at a young age, but he was always supportive. He was one of those intimidating dad's that scared you away, but you grew to love him and he grew to love you just the same.
I remember last Monday night, Bish and I sat at Football practice. I watching Lukus, and he watching Dawson (Zane's son). Bish sure loved the game and it made him smile to not only see Zane go through life playing, but now watching his grandson do the same. We sat and chatted about anything and everything and to hear his laugh again right now......well....I would give anything.

But I know that he is with the Lord and they are laughing and smiling together. They are looking down and waiting for that next game to cheer on.

I will miss Bish...his laughs...his hugs....his love. He loved so many...and he was loved by all.

I think I found it

So many times I try to think of my all time favorite worship song. That is so difficult to do. I like so many! And at different times, there are favorites for different situations or different reasons.

But there is one. One that stands out to me more than any other song. One that I don't ever get sick of singing and says everything that I ever need to say in any situation.

Shout to the Lord

This is one of those songs that I can absolutely just get lost in. I have been known to miss my turn in the car because of this song. Or just totally forget where I am going.

I would have to say my most favorite version of this song is from Darlene Zschech. I could say....when I grow up...I want to be just like her! ;o)
I can't believe it's been out since 1997 and it's still going strong.
So here ya go! Darlene singing the song she wrote that has swept the hearts of the nation in so many ways.
And you can just imagine me....in the car...rockin out to this song.

Football has begun!

Lukus will play in his first game next week. I beleive he is a receiver on the defense. These are some pictures from the past 2 weeks of practice. As this season goes on, I'm sure I'll have more. I am so very proud of him.

A celebration worth sharing!!

Today I turned 35 years old. Yep years old. But I don't feel it. It was just another day to me. Sure, I was pampered part of the day and people treat you differently, but all in all....the day was just amazing!!!

We started today with a football scrimmage that began at 8:00 this morning in Coweta. However, we had to be there by 7:15 for the weigh in. Who ever knew we would be there for 4 hours! But it was EXTREMELY FUN!!! Lukus is just beginning football for the first time and I am so proud of him. He's not getting many opportunities to play yet, but it's because he is so new. The other boys have been playing for 3-4 years before him. I love it because he has such a great attitude about it. He's just enjoying being part of the team...and that makes me even more proud he is my son!

Soon after that, Emilie and I went to Jessica's salon where we got 14 inches of hair cut. Yep, I cut 7 and she cut 7! I will say that I was very nervous about this entire ordeal...but we both needed something different. Emilie looks absolutely adorable. My hair, well, you'll just have to see it! It's different...and short!

Tonight we spent our entire evening with our good friends Shane and Alice. I have to say that this is the best time I have had in a long time. Just enjoying the company of some great friends. Even though we talk all the time, it's different when we have a chance to just sit down and laugh and have fun together. We had some great bar-b-cue dinner and then played Pac-Man. I have to go on the record saying....I set the FIRST high score of the night. Although, I have to give props to Shane as he continues to hold the high score record. (I'm ready for a re-match)
I was introduced to Monty Python tonight. Let's just say...I left very well educated in my history....as well as my language skills! ;o) Now I want to see the entire series of these movies!

***And for the record....I PLAYED WITH ZORRO!!!! ;O)

Tonight was great! I wouldn't trade it for anything. Thanks to some great friends who really know how kick back and relax and have an awesome time

Mark 9:24

No matter what translation you use....they all apply:

NIV = "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
THE MESSAGE = "Then I believe. Help me with my doubts!"
AMPLIFIED BIBLE = "Lord, I believe! [Constantly] help my [c]weakness of faith!"
KJV = "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief."
CONTEMPORARY ENGLISH = "I do have faith! Please help me to have even more."

And there are many more translations that all pretty much say the same thing.

I have struggled with this verse for quite sometime. I've always looked at it like "I" am not the one that does not have faith or yet, "I" am not the one that does not believe. Until recently. Thanks to a great friend...I now GET IT!!!

Last week our house was broken into while we were at church camp. I wasn't going to blog about it, but something is calling me to.
The damage to the house itself was not as bad as I had originally thought when I first received the phone call. Yes, things were stolen and even today, I have found more things missing. I'm sure that will go on for a while. Are they of any financial value?? Yes, some. But that doesn't matter to me. What matters most is that we were not home and we are all safe. Do we feel safe??? Not at all. Do we sleep??? Not really.

I've had many friends and loved ones that have graciously called to check on us nearly everyday and at night as well. My phone has not stopped ringing. Some have even come over to keep me company when Chad is not here or stayed on the phone with me as I was frightened until he got home. We've had some great times and some good laughs. With that comfort, comes peace. Just to hear another person's voice on the end of the phone when you are scared is very comforting.

Many questions have been asked and the most common one is:
Are you scared? Well....the answer to that is YES!!!

But I find some things very interesting. Yesterday and today friends said to me "Do you think that God is trying to test your patience?"
Both times...I had to laugh!
The answer to that is NO!!!! I do not think that at all.

I think a couple of things.
#1) I think that God is trying to strengthen my Faith in Him.
I feel I am a person that has a lot of faith....in certain areas. My safety has NEVER been one of them. My entire life I have been put into unsafe situations which have caused me to doubt and live in fear. But through all of that, I have become a stronger woman.

#2) I think that God is trying to strengthen my patience.
I know that at times I can be a very impatient person. Sometimes to a fault.
Through all of our trials over the past 14 years in our marriage, I feel that both Chad and I have grown tremendously in the area of patience. Even through all the struggles I have been through as a child and growing up it seems that I have NOT been tested, but strengthened.

But I DO have times of doubt, and unblief. I think that is why I am so scared to be at home. I do believe without a shadow of a doubt that God is going to protect us and keep us safe. However, the human side of me fears that either these men will come back or this will happen again. I live in fear.

So pray...that God does rescue me. Rescue me from my unbelieveing ways! Help me to overcome my fear and totally lean and trust in Him.

I like the contemporary version that says "I do have faith. Help me to have more"

I know God knows my inner struggles and He is ready for me to call upon Him so that I can truly understand that all things are possible!

Could use a prayer Thursday!

Probably could use a prayer everyday I guess. ;o)

My schedule today looks so hectic and that creates added pressure on top of everything else. But with God...all things are possible!

Ian has his 7th grade orientation early this morning. That always creates some anxiety for him as he doesn't know what to expect. It's hard as a parent to prepare his mind when I don't know what to expect. But I pray that God will give him peace and comfort so he feels at ease about the situation.

Ian is fasting last night and this morning. He has to go and have some blood work done as well as some x-rays this morning. The doctor is concerned that Ian has stopped growing at a normal rate. Today we see the specialist who will help us determine if he has indeed stopped. I personally don't think he has, but when I look at the facts on his chart, those are more convincing. Ian has high anxiety toward needles and especially seeing his own blood. It's been a few years since we've had to go through this and I know he is already dreading this morning. I pray that God take away his anxiety! (because he can't even take his medication this morning!!!)

By 1:00 we have the contractor coming over to give us a whole host of estimates on things that need to be fixed around the house before we put it up for sale. I am eager to get the work finished so we can move out and move on. Going through the house the past few days I have been able to throw away 9 bags of items not needed and put together 6 huge bags of clothing for the Goodwill. I'm on a mission!

Tonight Lukus has his last football practice before his first pre-season scrimmage against Union on Saturday. I'm so excited for him. He is doing very well for his first week. Looks like on Saturday he will be playing "corner back". His job is to be quick and to cover the wide receiver on the offense. His big job is to tackle runners and intercept passes which he is VERY good at!!! Last night he kept his eye on the ball and I was shocked when I saw him take down the running back. I've decided that Lukus may have some frustration that he is taking out at football practice! This boy is NOT afraid of getting hurt....nor is he afraid of hurting anyone else. I watch with disbelief.

I've been very excited to go to practice as Zane signed up his son Dawson to play for the Raiders as well. Just on a younger team. It's fun to watch him coach his son through this. It reminds me of when we were growing up. And we get to spend more time hanging out together and having some great laughs.
So all in all....I've really been enjoying football practice. I've found 3 moms that I already know on the team and that too has made it so much fun.

So, my day is planned and guess I better go watch the sunrise so I can move on with my day. That's always the favorite part of my day.

Mission POSSIBLE videos!

If you haven't seen them...these are the two my kids are in!

Can't believe my son was allowed to wear an OSU shirt during the making of this video!!!!

Monday Stuff

Lukus was to start Football practice today. The coach cancelled practice due to the extreme heat. Happy parents!!! Sad little players!

Today we got some school shopping out of the way. Still happy Ian wears uniforms. That is such a blessing.

I miss cooking from scratch. I've gotten use to the freezer section at the store since I've been in school. Can I say that's been 3 years!!! I am ready to get back to making a huge mess in the kitchen and everyone loving my food. Quick and easy is not always best. Today I made a cake. That makes me happy.

Chad's doctor appointment went very well. Has two spots on his back they are still watching for growth but overall, he is cancer free!!!! YAY!!!

My doctor's appointment was just okay.

Got all the laundry caught up today and put away. Started a plan for packing things away and getting the house ready to sell.

Talked to an old friend today and going to visit him in a couple of weeks. VERY EXCITED!!! ;o) (he's not old....and actually...I'm older...I think...but we're old friends)

Got my schedule set for the month of August and part of September now. It's okay. Not ideal....but I have to think financially at this point.

Spent a little bit of time today going around to some computer shops and pawn shops. Today was my last day to do that. I will not look any further at this this point. What's gone is gone....and we must move on.

Even with all of this, I still managed to squeeze in a nap!!! ;o)

Random

I love being random! Espceially with my friends. That is where I get some of my biggest laughs!

Since we got back from camp on Friday...I have had very little sleep!!! I have worked too many hours in the past 48 hours and well...I'm tired.

Lukus starts football tomorrow. He is a South Tulsa Raider (Silver) His jersey number is #13. Look for updates on this. It's supposedto be 105 degrees.

Chad goes back to see his doctor tomorrow for a complete body scan. I will not be going with him as I go to visit my doctor again regarding my eating disorder. We'll see if either of us are making headway.

We're school shopping tomorrow. I love that Ian gets to wear uniforms. It makes shopping so much easier.

Today I loved seeing the kids from camp at church. I had one girl come and ask me if I could do her hair every week before church. I laughed.

I received a DVD today from Jack that made me cry!

I can't wait for WEDNESDAY!!!! I go to my first orientation for the RT program. My work has been very supportive in this switch and they have really given me may tips to be successful. I am excited that my friend Casey got in with me too. Only 25 accepted .....and I am one of them!!!

So that's my randomness. Have you had a random week?

We're Back!!!

We returned from camp today and had such a great time. Every year the camp gets better and better. This was the highlight of my week. Looking into the eyes of all those beautuiful campers and seeing their love for the Lord....well...it just doesn't get any better than that!

So many great things happnened that I can't possibly capture it all into words tonight. I am so tired!

For now....I will just leave you with this....Go up to a camper and say: "With God" and they will answer you....ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!