Day 12....Talented

Okay...now a day early and ahead...but I have a FULL day tomorrow!

I am TALENTED!

I don't think anyone out there really knows how talented I really am.
And some....don't appreciate my talent as much as I do, and as much as God does. It doesn't make me arrogant, it just makes me love who I am more despite what others think. If I go around in life trying to live up to their expectations, the only thing that comes out of it is hurt, heartache, jealousy, and distant relationships.
I have to appreciate the talent I have because God gave it to me and I love that about me.

I play the piano. I love it. I have fun at it. I love to write music and if I could do anything, it would be sit at the piano for hours and hours and just play. It is one of the gifts that my parents gave me as a child by sending me for lessons. I can't remember how many years I took, but it was long enough to stick so that I can still play very well today.

Soon after that I learned to play the flute and can still play it today. It's not much different than the piano as far as the score goes, but it's a beautiful instrument that I enjoy playing and hearing the beautiful sounds it makes.

I love to sing. More than anything. I love to play the piano and sing at the same time. It's like double the blessing. God gifted me with a beautiful voice. Some like it, some don't. That's okay. What's important is that I like it. It's a huge blessing to me to be able to lift Him up in song and sing to my hearts content. Weather it is in the shower or in my car, I am singing all day long. I communicate my feeling best through song. Most of the time, it doesn't hit me at first. Sometimes, it takes a while. Some of my darkest days in my life I have spent singing to myself, and some of the most joyous times I have spent singing...well...to myself as well.

I will never forget the first time I ever sang solo. It was in 2004, Chad and I were going through such a rough time in life and we had reached a point of healing and reconciliation. It was truly one of the best years and worst years of our lives together. He asked me to renew our vows....and we did, in a very intimate ceremony with about 200 of our close friends in Dallas, we said everything we always wanted to say.
But before Chad knew what was happening, they handed me a mic, and I sang to him. I had to pretend nobody was there in order to get through it. I looked him straight in the eyes and belted that song with all I had. To this day, it was the most rewarding moments of my life to let go and have that freedom to use my voice in song. And I was surprised by not only the audience's reaction, but Chad's as well. I sang to him all the time, but never a moment like this. And singing at home and in the car held nothing to this day.

That day was life changing to me because I found a new way to be able to express my heart. Now, it's not perfect, and I have been arrogant, and I have been jealous, but I love how God is changing me and my heat to let go of those things, and let my caring, strength, love, and talent be used for His glory instead of my own.

Again....nothing else on this earth matters....except what I choose to do with the time I have left. And using these things I am finding in me...is what He is calling me to do.

Man....ya just gotta love that!

Day 11....Love

I am such a loving person.

Now this could go under the "caring" post I guess, but I think it is more than caring. It's just different.

It's a different kind of caring. Well, it's just love. And I have a lot of love to give.

Some, don't like to be the reciepient of Love, and well, that's okay. I'll care for them then! ;o)

To me, Loving your friends is a gift.
Loving your enemies, is even a greater gift.

LOVING YOURSELF, is the greatest!
Loving God....is the best gift of all!

God has equipped me to give that kind of Love to those that come into contact with me. Why would I deny Him of that? Just because some can't take it, well, then I hope someday that they find it in their hearts to enjoy those people like me who can love them no matter what. Doesn't mean I don't get upset. Doesn't mean I don't have emotions. Doesn't mean I won't over-react from time to time....it just means that I am me....and I can love....and I am loveable.

Yeah...I think I like that!

Day 10....

I'm slacking!

Okay...I've got one! I'm strong.

I truly have more strength than I realize. I know there are some that think if you have something wrong with you....then you are weak. That is so not the case.

By me standing firm in the things believe in and hold true to my word, then it proves how strong of a woman I really am. I have no doubts that I will beat this. I have no doubts that I will be a better and stronger person because of it. And those that love me will appreciate more for the strength I endured though it.

Life is too short at this point to be wasted.

Moments from Thanksgiving

Emilie putting some ornaments on Grandparents tree.

We had a few moments together....until Emilie got the Camera.

Family pictures are always a must for us on Thanksgiving.

This one...I just can't explain!

Man! He's growing up quick! Wow!

What I like about me.....Day 9

I am a good person

I know that I am a good person and I believe that. I don't do bad things. I don't intentionally try to hurt people. I try to do what God has called me to do. Week 1 went great with no tears. These assignments are so much harder.

Pondering: I've lived a life of being the butt of the joke. Just in fun ususally. Sarcastic in nature. But all in all, it always made me feel like a bad person. I'm not blonde...but if I were....those jokes would pertain to me. I am use to people always laughing at me....so I have just learned to laugh at myself.
I've come a long way in appreciating myself for who I am. I've had several opportunites in the past couple of weeks to stand up for myself and let people know that I AM a good person. Nobody can take away my integrity if I don't allow them to. It's me that willingly gives it away but not saying anything and just laughing with the best of them, and letting it go.

I deserve, at least everyday, to be told (by myself first) that I am a good person. Anything else that comes along, is just a bonus.

What I like about me....Day 8

Yeah it's a 1 day late, so time to get some make up work done.
I thought at first..."Oh...I'll do great at this one...I like my eyes, I like my hair, I like my voice......etc" um...yeah. After reading through the material...it wasn't about that. Why did we go from an easy assignment to a difficult one? Bummer.

Here goes day 8:

I am a caring person.
I find myself realizing how much I care about other people. So much that I have a pattern of placing others before me and my own needs. That's just how I was taught to live life.

The hard part for me in this assignment is "explaining" why I believe tha I am a caring person. Isn't "because I care" good enough? ;o)

This is really hard.

Day 8 & 9.....

Finding great difficulty in my next assignment......

I am Thankful...

I am thankful for my failures. They make me stronger and realize that by failing I AM a winner. Winners aren't those that don't fail, but those who never give up.

I am thankful for my sufferings. They have made me stronger and are building my faith and character.

I am thankful for my heartaches. With everytime my heart is hurt, the love God produces in it is magnified.

I am thankful for my difficut times. It creates an opportunity for better things in life.

I am thankful for my forgetfulness. It makes me appreicate those that remember without forgetting.

I am thankful for times of grief. It allows me to remember the things that I do have.

I am thankful for tears. When they are gone, I can see clearly all the joy and love God gives.

I am thankful for hunger. It reminds me of how fortunate I am to have a meal.

I am thankful God hasn't given me everything I desire. If He did, what would I have to look forward to?

I am thankful for my limitations. With every one, it gives me the chance to press on and grow.

I am thankful for my imperfections. It allows me to remember there is only one perfect person. I am perfect in His eyes just the way I am! Without that, I would be incomplete.

I am thankful for prayers that others have said for me and what good God has shown me through them.

I am thankful for my friends. Those that walk beside me, and those that are in the shadows. Those that just listen, and those that are hard on me. Those that stick with me through the ups and downs, and promise to never leave.

I am thankful for my husband. Who sees the ugliest parts of me and still tells me how beautiful I am everyday.

I am thankful for my children. Who see past every imperfection that I have.

I am thankful when I am exhausted. It means I made a difference.

Happiness is....I MADE IT A WEEK!

This week has been such a success!

No anger. No frustration. No emotions. Can't believe it's been a week without tears.

The one thing I did have....was hurt. When others do or say things that hurt, I can't take responsiblity for that. I can only control my reaction to it.
**Changing Behavior: I no longer take responsiblity for the words and actions of someone else. I cannot control anyone but me. If their relationship is important to me, I will be open to discussion and be willing to evaluate and be responsible for my own actions.
In three instances this week, I feel I have been successful in handling things when I felt hurt buy someone else.
Unfortunately, I chose to enter into a discussion with only one of them. I'm finding the value in letting the others go.

I realize that what I struggle with is an eating disorder.
You can't tell by looking at me. Not yet at least.
Clincally a person is not "called" anorexia until they are 15% below ideal body weight. I'm not there physically, but have been there mentally for a while.
It's important for me to have control.
I have a low self esteem about myself, but am working hard to build that up.
I fully realize that this is the result of me coming to term with unresolved conflics in my life.

I went to great lengths to hide it for so long but no longer wish to keep it quiet. I am ready to eat again, and eat healthy and manage my emotions all at once. But that will happen slowly.

I'm learning to identify situations that may cause me to withhold food. I have a plan in place where I call a friend to gain and support when I know I am doing this so I can break this cycle. I admit, I had to make the call everyday this week, twice a day. :o(

Meditating is something I have done for 7 days straight now. It's been an amzing time of each of my days. I used to think meditation was NOT for me. But didn't realize, I use to do it all the time. Meditation for me is playing the piano. I have allotted 20 minutes to myself ALONE everyday to play and meditate. My 20 minutes, have turned into at least 30-45 everyday. And it feels GREAT! Playing the piano....MAKES ME HAPPY!!!!

My goal was to eat 1000 calories a day, for 7 days. I ate 1000 calories 5 out of 7 days. I look at that and still think "success"

As for me....I am a good person. I have good values. And I love God and He loves me. He made me beautiful inside...and out and I know that I am. I am a very successful woman who doesn't need the approval of others in order to like myself. I have the most loving husband in the world whom I could never live without.

So....hummmm.....what's me problem? LOL!

More happiness is ....to come. Next week....What I like about me. stay tuned.

Happiness is.... Day 6!

Almost a week!

Took my A&P test today. Passed with an A!!! Whoo Hoo! Just 5 more test to go and two weeks left! ;o)

Today has truly been a great day. Several things that have happened that I really could have let get me down and depressed and I chose to handle them appropriately and well, I'm just fine. Are they disasters in my life? Well of course not. It's just a small dot in comparison to things. I'm choosing to make what really is a BIG DEAL....the big deal. But yeah....haven't had that come up yet! And hope not to!!!

After class it was pretty funny....I came home and was locked out of the house. We don't really know how it happened but I did not have a key to get in. So, Chad rushed to the rescue to let me in. All was well. It worked out very well as he decided to go ahead and take me out to lunch right then. We went to Subway....where we first met. It was fun to go in and eat and think about old times together. I'll never forget those days! Every time I eat at a Subway I always think of Chad.

I got quite a bit accomplished at church working on cue cards for the Christmas program. Wish I could have finished today, but thank goodness I started early and I have a few weeks to get it done. While there, Chad walked in and surprised me. Again...like old times. He loves doing that. I love it when he does that too! He's just so funny! He came in like a kid in a candy store just waiting to surprise me. Wonder if he will be this cute and funny when he's 90?

Happiness is....day 5!

It's early in the day for a day 5 post.....but I'll just update it later! ;o)

Happiness is teaching children to sing and giving me goose bumps!
This should have been on Day 4 but due to a headache that has yet to go away, I forgot.
Yesterday while singing with the kids for the Christmas program, I was floored on how quick they picked up a song that I almost cut from the program. I thought I would give it a shot and if they didn't get it, I would just have to find some traditional Christmas carol that everyone knows to sing. They shocked me. They really shocked me! We ran through it twice. And twice was enough for the day. We had 6 songs total and I had to teach this one so we were pressed for time. But they were amazing. I've changed and added some fun dynamics to the songs instead of singing them just as written and I thought from Wednesday to Sunday the kids would forget. Well....they didn't. I could have jumped for joy. And I might have. I'll have to ask Linda! ;o)

I'm so happy that today's lecture....although extremely more in depth than usual....seemed to go by very fast. It's a lot of information going into my brain at the end of the semester. I'm hoping it all sinks in before the finals in 2 weeks. Finals will be a killer! That will be a killer week too! May have to seriously cut some things off my plate and find some babysitters next week. But also looking forward to trying being finished on the 11th. I GET 4 WEEKS OFF! Yay!
This has been my most difficult semester yet. And it's not just the book work and school work. Life has been up and down and I am truly amazed at how God is right beside me as I am letting things go. Or letting go of things I have held onto for so long. He's not letting go of me, no am I of Him. But the earthly things that I have treasured, are starting to fade. In this....I find contentment, peace, joy and most of all, happiness.

Happiness is....day 4!

Today we spent our afternoon with the Davis', Scott's, and Hatters. We had the best time ever. I am excited as we will embark on a new journey together at the beginning of the year and even more excited that it is with these families. I believe Bobby and Melissa will be joining us and that even makes me more excited for the new year.

I have been searching for how God is going to use me in life, in ministry, in my work, and in everything that I do. I beleive that he has been faithfully showing me that it's not going to be easy to make changes, but will be well worth it in the end. Everyday that goes by I feel that He is making it more and more clear to me and easier for me to make those decision I once struggled with. I'm a D...so it's unusual for me not to be decisive. But when it comes to God, and making the right choices, He is making that process easier for me each day. I just love Him for that.

Today, has just been a GREAT DAY!

The First Dance

Ian asked me if he could go to the 7th grade dance on Friday night. I didn't hesitate one bit and I said YES! I love that he wants to go and that he's not shy about it either.

Friday afteroon proved to be very rough for me and the kids and we were absolutley pushed to our limts. But Ian and I both made it through it together.

So...we get home about 15 minutes before time to leave for the dance. He quickly changes clothes and we're off.

Details:

This was Ian's FIRST dance. (7th grade, 13yrs old)
He asked a girl 2 weeks ago to be his date, she said no.
On Wednesday, she passed him a note in the hall and said she wanted to go with him.
HE WAS SO EXCITED and couldn't wait to tell me.
Friday, when I picked him up from school, he said he heard her talking to friends and hoped Ian would bring her a rose.
On the way to the dance, stopped and got a rose.
At the dance, Ian realized that it was NOT HIS DATE that asked fro the rose, but another girl. (oops)
The OTHER girl wasn't at the dance to give the rose to.
The DATE girl, well....Ian was too shy to give her the flower. ;o(
So what did he do with it?
He was wearing long sleeves and shoved it quickly up his sleeve until he had an opportunity to go to the bathroom and throw it away.
No slow dances were played at the dance! WHEW!!!!
He described the dancing and "mosh pits" that occured.
He said there was fog everywhere and lots of lights and loud music and it was COOL!
He had SUCH a great time that an hour and a half into it, he was ready to come home. LOL!

So there ya go. The first date....the first dance.....HERE WE GO!!!! ;O)

Happiness is.....day 3

Today I worked all day. I really do love my job. It's not all glamorous all the time, but I love the people I work with and we have such a fun time together. I truly feel like they are family to me.

So not a lot to report. Just a busy day at work. Working makes me happy. No drama really. Just good times!

What do you want?

In John Chapter 5....

Why do you think Jesus asked a disabled man "Do you want to get well?" That reminds me of those questions my parents use to ask like: "Do you want a spanking?" or "Do you want to go to bed without dinner?" or "Do you want to give up your allowance?" Seriously? Are those even real questions?

So why would Jesus ask that? Surely this man, after THIRTY EIGHT years, WANTS to get well!

The mans answer really surprises me (from the message) "Sir, when the water is stirred, I don't have anybody to put me in the pool. By the time I get there, somebody else is already in."

The next thing you read is that Jesus healed him. WAIT!!! WHAT??? WHY???

Here we've got this man, who for THIRTY EIGHT YEARS.....THIRTY EIGHT.....could never get in the pool because there was always someone in front of him? Oh come on! I've seen pity parties....but this one takes the cake! You can't tell me that for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, that this man was passed up and nobody would help him!!!

But it's true! And not only that, God healed him anyway. Without question!

How many excuses do I have to make? I've been in the pool of healing water! But the water is not the magic. The magic begins with my ultimate belief in the power of God. It's me giving up control of my own life and letting him do the work.


Fear is a constant battle with me. I don't know where I heard it but once I was told that FEAR stood for False Expectaions Appearing Real. Why would be put expectations on anyone? Is that me trying to control someone else's reactions? I think so. If we are so afraid of the outcome, then we will blame others for our own struggles and have a false sense of reality. Oh my! Reality is REAL! It is our beliefts that become distorted and cause us to think crazy!!
When the only thing that we can do is change our reaction to someone else's actions, then that's somthing we can be in control over. God can help us control our minds so they don't become filled with unnecessary garbage and they can be filled with His spirit. That is all that matters.

Sometimes we don't know when it is Him talking to us. The disabled man in John didn't know who it was because Jesus went out into the crowd. But when the man saw him again, Jesus said "See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you."

Jesus didn't beat around the bush. He simply said "Stop sinning!" it's that easy!

So I can choose my pity party, choose to be hungry, choose to be in control(which is really out of control), and stay this way for 38 years....or I can decide that I am going to get help and pick up my mat and walk.

hummmm.....whatever did I do with that bag to carry this mat in?

Happiness is....day 2

This morning was a first in a long time. I got to sleep in until 10:00. Those that know me well know this was unusual. It's hard for me to sleep past 5:00am and let alone, hard for me to sleep all night. Usually on Friday's, I have to get up early and take the kids to school. But Chad got a text from his boss saying he didn't have to come in early today. So he allowed me to sleep in and it was so nice. What a gift!
When I got up, I checked my e-mails to find 2 of the niceset e-mails from some friends letting me know that I was missed worshipping last night. Man! That is such a great start to my day. I often wonder if I am the only one that aches if I miss a Thursday evening. Well, or a Wednesday or Sunday for that matter too. Sometimes we think that nobody will ever notice if we are gone. That is not the case. It's good to have people that know when you are not around. What a blessing!
I got so much done by 2:00 this afternoon. House clean, laundry, dishes, and just the daily chores that I don't always get to. I only wish I had gotten more studying in today.

This afternoon became pretty shakey for me as I had an appointment at 4:00. All the kids had to go with me and they were perfect angels. I think possibly because they saw fire coming out of my ears at one point. But I am very proud of me.
I was able to contain it and amazingly, the feeling went away rather quickly. The situation at hand didn't change,BUT MY REACTION DID.

Today was a great day. God gave me moments today to help me face some of my fears. It truly was a good day.

Happiness is.....day 1

Today was an interesting day....but tonight proved to be more fun.

Tonight had to be the most hodge podge dinner I have ever made. It was so funny. I made Chicken Fettichini Alfredo, Rigitoni, Corn, salad, and Iced tea. Nobody complained! It was fun. And everyone got something they wanted. They kids did a wonderful job of setting the table, clearing the dishes and cleaning up before we had to leave for Emilie's program. They took some fun pics during the time. Ian wasn't much for getting involved. He didn't feel well today. But by this time, he had taken a nap and was on the mend. Still wasn't posing for the camera. This was last night when Chad got home from work. We all greeted him on the stairs to say hello. It was rather fun. Emilie has become quite the little photographer. Not a moment goes by that she's not snapping pictures!

The Journey

Isaiah 14:3 “And it shall come to pass in the day that the LORD shall give thee rest from thy sorrow, and from thy fear, and from the hard bondage wherein thou wast made to serve.” Any sin or sin habit you cannot get victory over, or haven't gotten victory over, is a bondage. But there is also a different kind of bondage.

I had some very hard lessons to learn yesterday....and then again today. I worry so much about little things that when big things do arise, my life then, feels over.

Only two things make up your life, your reality.
Your Beliefs
Your Actions
It sounds simple, but it's not easy! Everything starts with your thoughts, which eventually lead to your beliefs. So who thinks up this so called "reality" that I make in my life? Um...me!

Over the next 2 weeks, I'll be on a journey.

Please stay tuned! Join me for the ride. It's bound to be up and down. Feel free to grab on anytime. Some journeys are just not meant to take alone. Are ya with me?

I watched TV and ate cake!

Today is my Dad's 58th birthday. I haven't spent the last 2-3 years celebrating his b-day with him but today was different. This...is my dad.

When talking to my mom yesterday, I asked her "Do you have any plans for his birthday?" She commented that they were just going to be at home and she was going to make some fried chicken. This....is my mom (wearing her apron)


Now wait.....do you know how long it's been since I've had some of mom's fried chicken? We talked about it and she agreed to make enough for everyone. That included my brothers family.

So I spent most of my afternoon today cooking and my brother went and bought a cake and we just showed up for dinner. My mom's only job, was to cook that chicken! And there was a lot! This is my brother! Yes....S C A R Y!


We had a good time sitting down and having a meal together. Almost felt like Thanksgiving already. There were moments of laughter and then moments of silence. Either way, it was an okay evening.

Since we didn't want to inturrupt their shows they watch, we watched some of Dancing with the Stars with them. Seeing that I don't watch TV, I was a bit lost. But it didn't take long for them to catch us up on everyone, who danced well, and who didn't.

All the kids had a fun time getting together and playing on a school night. here are some random shots!

It is well!

Man...just when you think YOU'VE got it bad in life, someone decides to throw a wrench in the fire.

Tonight at rehearsal, Shane tells us the most amazing story of how the song "It is Well With My Soul" was written by Horatio Gates Spafford. After we sang it, I thought I would burst into tears, but didn't.
I didn't feel like I was 'proclaiming' right at a that moment that it is well right now with me...but I felt like I was rejoicing with Horatio as he faced some of the most difficult trials I've ever heard and still, he could say "It is Well".

How powerful of a statment can one person make that explains who they are and what they are about!! Let alone...write a song! I admire this man! Through all his trials, he knew that his soul would be well...regardless. For years I have sang his song over and over and now, I will sing it with such new meaning. I don't think he ever realized that one day, the nation would sing those words. I don't think he knew that this would be one of those worship songs that people sing at the top of their lungs. I don't think he knew that his words, would bring others closer to Christ! I picture this man being one of ultimate humility. I think that this man, who was in pain......still rejoiced, and knew......his soul....was well!

I think I know why the tears didn't flow with that song tonight.
I don't have it that bad. I quickly thought of all the people that I know that have been through so much worse than me. I think of our patients in the hospital, who never get better, I think of the little boy whose face was eaten off by a dog, and he lives like nothing ever happend, I think of the homeless man that stopped to talk to me last night, I think of those with troubled marriages, I think of so many who have had to fight things FAR worse than I ever have. Jesus said he would never give us more than we can handle. I think he's right.

Our house burned ~ it is well: Abused ~ it is well: Car Wrecks ~ it is well: Tornado hit ~ it is well: Have a special child ~ it is well: Survived many illnesses ~it is well: Survived a failing marriage ~it is well: Surviving an eating disorder ~ it is well: Dealing with life ~ it will always be well.

All of that is just surface drama. It's amazing to be so blind to it at times and to be so consumed by it. It's amzing the work that God does in our lives and the people that he puts in front of us to tell us "It is well"

I'm reassured tonight. It is and it will always be, no matter what happens, WELL!

Boost for the day.....

"A transition character is one who, in a single generation, changes the entire course of a lineage. The changes might be fore good or ill, but the most noteworthy examples are those individuals who grow up in an abusive, emotional destructive environment and show somehow find a why to metabolize the poison and refuse to pass it alone to their children. They break the mold. They refute the observation that....the sins of the fathers are visited upon the heads of children to the third and forth generation. Their contribution to humanity is to filter the destructiveness out of their own lineage so that the generations downstream will have a supportive foundation upon which to build productive lives." Carlfred Broderick, University of Southern California

I've always beleived that your children will grow up to be just like you someday so you better be careful. Well, that's not always the case. And something we always have to remember is that no family or person is perfect! EVER! There was only one and that was Jesus.
It's like having a road map of life. And when you reach a ceratin age, or adulthood, or point in your life, you may...and probably very well should....decide to take a different route. Parents should let their children go on their way and live a life of freedom. Co-dependent families are never healthy and can only lead you down a path of destruction. It can either be quick or really catch you off guard.
So know that we all have the power to change this within ourselves. When we are doing our work for the Lord, He gives us the power and strength we need. When we are weak, He is strong.

I got some great literature in the mail and paraphrased...this is what it concluded:

We must develop a vision for our futures. We are successful people, not damaging.
We need to develop supportive relationships with strong adults who have been there, or who know how to listen and be constructive in their comments. We must be deliberate in our changes. Patterns are hard to break. Put emotional distance between the people you spend time with. Don't invest time in people who are constantly negative. Distract yourself with good positive things for you and your family. If you can't do it on your own...get help!!! And CELEBRATE the positives! Celebrate things in life that provide a sense of unity and constancy to the family members. Begin NEW riturals to replace the negativity. Have some fun!!! Do this, even when times are tough! You will appreciate yourself more, and so will your family!

Now...let me open up my mailbox everyday and see THAT!!!

So what does that say about me??? I have a vision, I am successful, I have great relationships with people who love me, I want to make a change, I can initiate the positve, I'm not alone, and I should Celebrate!

Think I kinda like it! ;o)

Regrets

Tonight I was driving home and listening to the "Love" song station. Something a rarely do. But there were too many commercials on the others.

As I'm driving I'm listening to stories being told by war veterens and the bravery it took for them to fight like they did. Brought tears to my eyes, as well as the DJ trying to make it through the stories.
The next song to come on was "God Bless the USA". How appropriate for today's holiday. As it stated "If tomorrow all the things were gone....." and I didn't get any further than that. The tears started flowing. And it had nothing to do with the holiday in which they were honoring.

I do many stupid things. I feel like everytime I turn around, I screw everything up. I'm a bright person. A talented individual. Smart and whitty. But even the best of these sometimes make bad decisions. And sometimes, it's not even about the decisions made, it's about the LACK of decisions made.

I'm facing some trials that involve others. People that I love. And the decisions I need to make in my life may end up hurting them. This does not feel like a good road for me and the timing is just not right. But someone once said "I can't wait for the perfect time, I must dare to jump."

Jumping is not what I am afriad of, it is the landing. Landing alone.
I am one of the luckiest people that I know. I have more friends than one could imagine. So how can I feel alone? I'm NEVER alone! I am told constantly "You Know Everyone" ;o)

I have a choice to make. Will I jump? Or will I continue living a life with a broken heart. When my heart is broken, it affects everyone I know. That is not what I want.

My lack of responsiblity in life leads me to an illness that I can not control.

It's time......to be responsible.


I am who I am today because of the choices I made yesterday.

Maybe tomorrow....will be a new day.

4 letter words!

Some of the ugliest words known to man are called "4 letter words"
Don't fret, this will be a "G" rated blog!!! ;o)

People use words all the time to describe life or circumstances or maybe just to shout them out. In my house, I am queen of making up new positive four letter words to use in sentences. However, my kids look at me like I'm crazy! But AT LEAST they are not saying those 'other' words!!!

One of the hardest 4 letter words for me is the word "wait". Many times in my life I have been tested and told by God to "wait" only to get frustrated, discouraged, or give up. Like right now, waiting on the house to sell. I could get discouraged, but I am choosing to "wait" on Him. I believe through all of this, He is doing work in someones life, preparing them for our house. I AM one of those people that is willing to "Pray" for patience. And God delivers me an abundance of it every time. It's when I take things into my own hands that things in my life start to fall apart. Some of the greatest people in the Bible waited: Joseph, Noah, Job and Esther....all waited! Patiently!!! God knows what is good for me so I will trust in Him. He is ABLE to GIVE me all that I ever dreamed of!

Have you ever thought that those people in the Bible didn't know what it was like to be you? Ever said "If they only walked a mile in MY shoes"
Psalm 40:13, "Please show that you care and come to my rescue. Hurry and help me!" But just because God says he will rescue us, doesn't mean it will be the answer we have been longing for. He assures us that He will answer our prayer, as long as we WAIT on Him! I think....He's a pretty COOL God!

Can you think of any positive 4 letter words that YOU can put into practice in your life? They are so much better than the others, because they truly, come from God!

The Slumber party!

Here are some of the girls from the party! They are having a blast!


Emilie wanted Red Roses on her birthday! So they were on her cake!


These are my cousins lighting the candles. Just this scene made me laugh.


There was LOTS of screaming and jumping like this!


Emilie and Kaylan!


When she figured out she got 2 player Karaoke for her B-day from mom and dad! It was a big hit for the night.


Emilie and Caitlyn! So glad they are friends!


The girls stayed up ALLLLLL NIGHT! Finally at 5:45am Chad told them they had to at least lay down and just watch something on TV. At that point, they were begging to go outside on the trampoline at the sun was rising! I'm pretty sure he said nope!
15 minutes later.....this was the scene in the house.

Happy Birthday Emilie!!!

This is from Emilie's school party on Friday! They played Hangman and the kids had to guess things all about Emilie. It was fun. She passed out cupcakes and her daddy got her roses. She had a blast!

God's Big Surprises...come in small packages.

I remember after having Lukus I thought "I am done having kids". I had 2 boys. I was content. But I have to admit there was a longing in my heart and Chad's to try one more time for a girl.

We were always very fortunate that we did not struggle in having to wait for children. God blessed us everytime, and very early.

I'm constantly reminded that I struggle with patience. In some circumstances that may be true, but in having children, it was not. With the first two, I found out what sex they would be through ultrasound. I used the excuse "But I need to be able to prepare". What did they do before ultrasound? Um....they didn't!
I figured that God's design in having children was about more than one thing. But one of those things was patience.

From the moment we found out, Chad and I decided together that we would pray everyday of the pregnancy and be faithful to God. We would have patience and wait on Him. But truly, and often, we begged him for a baby girl.
Throughout the 9 months we did have difficult times where the pressure was on to find out, but we stood firm against it.

9 years ago today, I remember thinking "Will this baby ever come out?"
I didn't have a long struggling labor, it was fairly easy. It began about 5:15 in the morning, and at 4:02 in the afternoon, I heard 3 words that I thought I would never hear. IT'S A GIRL!

Oh my goodness, the screams from the room, my family running out to tell everyone, Chad in complete tears, and me thinking "What?? What did you just say?"
I even made the doctor prove it. ;o)

As Emilie Ann was handed to me, I was still trying to absorb the fact that we had an answered prayer. Even as a newborn, she was just a beautiful as could be. She had the thickest head of dark black hair that stood straight up. I (who was born with no hair) had to just laugh and laugh. But from that moment, she became, DADDY'S GIRL!

It took a while for it all so soak in, but for 9 months, I had already thanked God for whatever it was that he would bring us. We would be happy. I don't think my feelings would be any different if I had 3 boys. But since I had a girl, I have this fabulous story of an answered prayer.

Emilie is such a blessing to me. When I look at her, I see her hopes and dreams in her eyes. She has such a sweet spirit about her. She is the ultimate GIVER! This year is really the first year she has ever really ASKED to have a party. She doesn't have any toys, because she is so generous....she gives it all away. She gives her chore money away. She is content and happy with who she is and what she has and never complains.

One of the best compliments that a dear friend gave me is that I am the most patient mother she has ever seen. I hope that when my 3 get older, they remember what a patient mother they had and how much I truly love them.

I hope that this year, I can give Emilie what her heart desires. Sure, it's not just a party, but I can give her back the same type of unconditional love that she has always given me.

I'd love to post baby pics, but they are all in storage! :o(
But I have these 3 and they are my favorites!

Disturbed

This week the public schools decided to hold mock elections so the children would know what it was like to be able to vote.

Today, they revealed the results in both schools that my kids go to.

I'm very happy that they are learning the American way of voting and the process and how all of this works and it even excites me that they are more interested in the election than cartoons.

However.....when they got in the car today I did not expect to hear what I heard.
The kids explained to me how others were calling kids "racist" for voting for McCain. And how kids started to insult each others families and parents based on their beliefs.

The conversation was long and actually brought Lukus to tears while he was explaining this to me.

On one hand, I'm happy. On the other, I'm so sad. They try to teach the kids about our nation's freedom to vote and what did they encounter....the way others abuse the freedom of speech.

I was proud of Lukus and how he handled the situation and how he remembered our talk from dinner last night. When someone came up to him and said "Who did you vote for?" Lukus replied "I voted for God" and the kid said "He wasn't on the ballot!" And Lukus replied: He's on EVERY ballot!!!

That's MY boy!!!

Yes, your vote counts....but with who?

I have to admit, I know very little about the election tomorrow. I don't even know enough to speak about it with anyone. Makes me feel a little dumb on the side of the worldly issues right now. But I know enough to make a decision to vote, and that is what I will do.

It doesn't really matter though. No matter what my vote is, with God, the answer will be a "yes". God has known this day and this election long before we were at this point and guess what, He already knows the outcome too. So does it matter who will win and who will lose? Well, yes. It will matter to everyone.
But, no matter how much some campaign, and how many sacrificed their time, and how many prayed many hours over and over, will the outcome still be worth it? YES!

What God wants us to do is Praise Him! Weather we are happy or not. We still give him all the praise and glory as He knows what lies ahead of us. Some people will be sad and disappointed and some will be rejoicing.
What does it mean when we sing these words:
I will worship, with all of my heart
I will praise you, with all of my strength
I will seek you, all of my days
I will follow, all of your ways

I will bow down, and I'll hail you as king
I will serve you, I will give you everything
I will lift up my eyes to your throne
I will trust you, I will trust you alone

I will give you all my worship
I will give you all my praise
You alone I long to worship
You alone are worthy of my praise

And we sing songs like: "That's why we praise Him" "I surrender all" "Be still & know" "Peace perfect Peace" "It is Well" "Still"

If you read in Lamentations 3 you will find that with everything Jeremiah had to go through, he still Praised God!!! We should always worship Him and give Him the praise and have enough faith and know...it's all a yes! It has to be! It's by HIS design!

It doesn't matter if we can't change the vote. Or if we don't get our way. Or if the right person isn't elected. Or if the world falls apart. What God wants is all of us, and all of our praise! We can't expect to see change in the world, unless we are willing to change OUR focus and the only place that matters, is with God. We should be singing songs of praise to Him and being thankful for what He is going to do with this nation.

We've been learning "Mighty to Save" and if we really believe that he can move a mountain, then we will know whatever the outcome, it is a Yes! We must learn to live through an election by Faith! "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. 2 Through their faith, the people in days of old earned a good reputation." (Hebrews 11:1-2)

Do yourselves a favor and meditate on God and His word and trust in Him as it says in Psalm 119 & 143.

I'm going to vote for sure tomorrow! But my first vote, will always be with Him!!! Anything else....doesn't really matter! He'll take care of it! And He'll take care of me!