The Full but Empty feeling.....

I love this time of year but dread this day.

I love the workshop...the chance to be with my dearest and closest friends. My lifelong friends that I've known since 1988. Of course that makes me realize that I'm just getting older. hee hee.

I dread this day so much becuase after being here for 5 days, they are now gone and I feel this deep empty feeling in my heart. Sure, this happens every year but as I sit here and cry (as I do each year), it's so hard to imagine that I'll wake up tomorrow and they won't be here. My heart just hurts so much.

This year felt so good to be around friends and just to let myself totally go. Not that I normally wear a mask, but I guess I worry at times what would happen if others hung out with me long nough to get to know me. Not so much my D pesonality, but the I that I truly love being. Would they laugh at my jokes? Would they be loud and obnoxious when I am. Will I ever find such friendships here where even going a day without talking to them is difficult? So after saying all of that...I guess there is a part of me that realized today that I live in hiding not being able to be the real me. I have LOTS of friends and aquaintances that I love dearly but there's nothing like your lifelong best friends. Everyone has those and those hilarious memories that you cherish together. I just feel so sad that mine are so far away.

Chad is my best friend here and I feel totally comfortable being funny around him. Joking in a way only he can understand. Only in a way that my friends this weekend can understand. But maybe I don't give others the chance because I'm afraid. Afraid that others won't laugh with me and like my humor.

I know what I should do is focus on the fun times we have everytime and look forward to our times together. Our time at PF Chang this year was incredible. Both nights for dinner was so much fun. But just being together in their presence gives my heart something that is just priceless. I think every year I laugh off about 10 pounds and that's such a good feeling. (Not the weight loss...but the laughing...ha ha)

So how do I fill up this empty feeling I have? Where do I find some lifelong friends here in town that I feel this comforable with? People that want to hang out with me just for no reason atall? Makes me sometimes wonder if I'm doing something wrong.
For now, my best friends of all time will have to live 7-10 hours away as we continue to have long distance friendships. Who knows....maybe one day, I'll end up closer to them. You never know how God works.
For now, my life goes back to normal....school....studying....and getting my degree. Once that happens, I can't guarentee where we'll end up. But I pray that God gives us clear signs of what he wants us to do and what his passion for us is.

Sleep

You know...It's so weird, I can never sleep past 7:30 in the morning. It makes me SO mad sometimes. I try my hardest to sleep late but it just doesn't work for some reason. I won't way that my body is rested, because I have that feeling of "Oh..I'm not ready to get up".
So last night, I went to be totally exhausted to the point I could not hold my eyes open. I didn't think I could make it up the stairs. I was convinced that I would sleep on the couch tonight. But I made it to be and woke up at 10:00am this morning. 10:00!!!! WOW!!! I haven't done that since I was a teenager. I woke up wondering where the kids were (at grandmas) and freaking out about the time. It was a good but weird feeling.

Then there's those afternoons that Chad can just come home and fall asleep that the drop of a hat. I can't do that. I would give anything to take a nap in the afternoon. I know there must be something wrong with me. No matter how hard I concentrate...I just can't do it.

Anyway...so the workshop is coming and I can't tell you how excited I am for all my friends to get here. This is the highlight of my year. I get to see my dearest friends about twice a year and this is the longest. I can't even begin to explain my feelings leading up to this week. I just feel like a kid at Christmas when they show up.
I'll never forget the time on my 17th birthday. I walked out of my parents house to load my car with something and this strange car pulls in the driveway. I'll never forget the feeling when my friends Tisha, Tanah, and Brishan got out of the car. It was one of the best days ever. I remember it like it was yesterday. We have so many great memories together since we were young and I just can't wait to see them in a few days. I think the older we get, the more excited we get to see each other. I think every year I laugh off ten pounds when they get here. So I'm trying to contain my excitment but believe me...I'll let loose when Wednesday gets here.

Such a sad day....

You know...there's always some type of excitement in our neighborhood...but tonight was not the type of excitement we wanted. One of our precious neighbors died tonight. Bobby wasn't feeling well and went into the bathroom and had a heartattack.
This was the man who assisted me when Lukus cut off his toe and everytime we would have snow....he would come by using his snow plow and plow my entire driveway. He was a quiet man, pretty much kept to himself...but was the type of man who would help you with anything you needed.
The kids love to play in his yard trying to catch the cottontail bunnies we have in the neighborhood. Bobby never complained once. He had lots of friends and family beyond this neighboorhood and I know he will be missed. It's just so sad to seem someone go so quickly when you just saw them working in the yard yesterday. Just makes you realize how short life really is.

Is it more than just a friendship???

Well, Ian says so! Friday night Ian and Becca spent the evening at Fun and Games and had the best time! He was so cute when he came home. He talked and talked and we laughed and laughed

you can tell he was just tickled pink to have such a good friend. He started to ask me questions about when Chad and I met and how me met. So I told him the story. Most of the time, he giggled and just put his head down in the pillow laughing. Guess he's never really needed to know until now.
So I finally had to ask him...
"Ian...is Becca just your friend or your 'girlfriend'?"

He says, "Oh definately mom...she's my girlfriend" But we didn't say that until tonight.

I tried to look at him without panic on my face. I think at this age my mother would have had a heartattack if I ever said that. But I wonder...is it different with boys? I don't have that serious panic...I kinda just laugh about it. I mean...they are so cute and most of all...Becca really keeps Ian well grounded. He is totally a different person when he is around her. But he told me that they don't talk about it at school cause kids would make fun of them.

So here it is...Sunday...and Ian is begging me to let Becca come over. So tonight we went to the park to hang out. We didn't get to stay long because of the storms coming in but they really had a blast together just laughing and running around.

I never thought that Ian would develop a friendship with a girl. I honestly was a little worried that girls wouldn't have an interest in him due to all of his problems. But he has really become a little ladies man.

I asked him "Ian...what will you do when we move and you don't go to the same school with Becca anymore?"

He replied..."Mom, you can't let that ever happen. It would really crush me."

Lord help me now!

A week off!

Yay!! It's finally spring break and I feel so weird that I don't have to study! It's not enough that I can just thank the Lord that there is no homework....but I even woke up in the middle of the night reciting the steps of Glycolysis and Krebs cycle and Electron Transport Chain. It's like I can't stop.
We had our midterm exams on Thursday and Friday. I am SO glad they are over. I don't think I could have studied another day. This truly has been my hardest semester....but I think I say that as each semester passes by.
I had a very interesting conversation with another student who outright told me she was cheating. I can't tell you how mad this makes me. The fact that I'm working my tail off to get this in my head and make a great career for myself...and then someone else can come along and take advantage of the system. I was able to talk to one professor and had the issued solved in that class. The funny thing was...I told this girl that I did not approve of her behavior and she didn't care. So I asked her...."So you don't mind if I go to him and tell him what you are doing?" She said "I don't view it as cheating" HELLLO!!!!!!! Okay....so I e-mailed my professor that day and didn't give him the name of the student...just told him the scenario that was going on. The next morning...she is so worried that I'm going to tell the professor...that she rats on herself. It was so classic. I may sound evil....but it was priceless. And she did it in front of my other classmates.
I really have tried to befriend her in the beginning....but I just couldn't condone her way of learning. I would just hate it if she was ever my nurse or one for my friends or family. If you don't understand the way the body works...then you shouldn't be working on someone else.

So now....school is over for a week and I have time to get work done around the house. We started remodeling our downstairs bathroom today. Okay....so this is priceless....We remove the toilet and Chad puts it in the front yard. So I said "Hey...sit on it...that will look funny."
What's Chad do??? Pulls down his shorts and sits on the pot! OH MY GOODNESS!!!! WHAT WILL MY NEIGHBORS THINK!!! I freaked and ran inside. He gets up and gives them a good wave! Face it....Chad is my 4th child!!! But boy does he make me laugh!!!

What a great week this will be!!!!

Gettin Healthy

For extra credit in Biology my professor decided to let us go and get this health screening. Besides that simple fact we are studying all this stuff and it is very interesting, it would be a good idea to see how healthy or un-healthy we are.

To my surprise...I'm very healthy. Everything was completly in check. My total Cholestrol was low, HDL was was at a good level but that can always be better! My LDL was low, Triglycerides and glucose levels were at a great level!
I've been trying to watch myself lately. I'm at that point now where it's starting to feel good. I've lost 15 pounds since Dec 1 and things are starting to fit me better. Overall, I'm just starting to feel better about myself. That's what's important. I've always been the kind of person that has said that I don't care what the scale says, just as long as I feel good about myself. Today is just one of those days. It's the simple rewards that count in the end and I'm truly loving life right now. This has just been a fabulous week! Praise God!

The unexplainable!

So this is my brother, my mother, and my father. What a trio we have to put up with. They are such characters!!! I have to admit, this is one of my all time favorite pictures. I can't really explain it, other than they are just a lot of fun and can really make you laugh when you least expect it.

Feeling appreciated!!!

What a fun night to spend with the best people I know. I had such a great time just laughing and carrying on with the ladies of our church. It was such a nice time to just relax. I couldn't have asked to be in better company. I cherish my friends so much and love to be around them. God gave us friends to lean on and these are truly women of God! I was a night well deserved by all of us and a great night of fun and fellowship togethter.

Siblings....

Every Friday night my kids go to my parents house for an overnight visit and to give Chad and I some much needed rest for the week.

Today, Lukus, being the boy that he is decided that he was not going if Emilie was going. He said he was going to do the exact opposite of her. "She's a girl and I don't want to be around her" were his words. Ahhh...such a boy thing.

So Emilie and I left and went to get our manicures and pedicures for the week and Chad ran Lukus to my moms since Emilie is staying at home. Remember...he doesn't want to be int he same place as her.

So he decides now he doesn't want to spend the night this week and wants to come home. When he gets home, he finds Emilie asleep on the couch. He doesn't say anything about her, look at her, nothing.

I'm sitting here studying and he walks in and says:
"Mom, Emilie looks like she's going to fall off the couch. Can I push her back on?" I say yes.
He comes back:
"Mom, now Emilie looks cold just sleeping there. Can I c0ver her up with a blanket?" I say yes.
Once more:
"Mom, is it okay if I get in the blanket with Emilie and lay next to her so she doesn't feel alone?" I just smile!

And say yes, of course!

Guess his feelings changed.

Meat or Not Meat...

Emilie - "Mom, are we meat?"

Mom - "HUH?"

Emilie - "Are we meat? Like you eat. The kind you put in the fridge?"

Mom - "No, you can't eat humans. We are not meat"

Emilie - "But mom, we are part of the animal family aren't we? We eat animals right?"

Mom - "Yes, we eat animals because that is how God made it. The animal kingdom is here to feed us among other things"

Emilie - Looking perplexed she said "Okay.....So I guess I'm just not a piece of meat."

And she walked away!

Ugh!

Life's gettin' funny for me!!!

Okay, so I feel like I'm starting to not have a life with school anymore.

My newest toy is my laptop. A wake up with it in the morning and go to bed with it at night. I study all the time and feel like it's never ending. Then yesterday, Dr. Lurz says "If you thought this chapter was hard, wait until we start the next unit next week!"
Oh my goodness! Lord help me now!

So in spite of the classes I don't like, I got some good news. I was accepted into the PCT program for the fast track class in the summer. Yes, I'm gulten for punishment! What's even worse are the hours! I will be gone all of the time for 8 weeks!!!! I will have no life during the course of the summer semester! Yikes! But I know it will be fun! At this point I will be in the hospital somewhere, just don't know which one. I know it's every Friday from 6:45am to 4:00pm though. And even better news, my friend Tischa and I got in at the same time so we can go together. We are so excited. So now we're doing it all together. Friday, we're going to go and get all shot up with everything we need. You know the TB test, MMR, and Hep B series. Ugh! Then gotta go get our CPR certification taken care of. But boy, I just hope that I past that Criminal Background check! hee hee!

So I'm trying to get through this with a smile on my face. It's working out pretty well. I pampered myself this weekend. Had my hair done. I'd love a pedicure but it's just too cold outside for me to go get my toes done and then walk away with flip flops on. But I sure need that R&R to help me get through it. Mabye all now I need is my own personal massage therapist to get me through each day! Ahhh...yes...those hot rock massage's are wonderful!

So I don't know if this is the downward spiral or the uphill climb, but I know I have now reached that 1/2 way point of my inital goal of where I want to be in my professional life plan! Yeah! It's all coming together and looking good and feeling great!

I'm a political nut!

Do you ever have those time in life where you question "What should I be doing in life?"

I know right now I'm questioning that because I'm struggling in this class I'm in....and I'll get over it. I'll get through it. I'm a tough girl! I've always succeed! I know I can do it! I won't fail. I don't know how!

But I don't enjoy going through this. And I start to question..."Is this the right major for me?"

It sounds really and totally crazy and if this was a private blog I know that nobody would laugh but since it's not...you can go ahead and start laughing now. But my most enjoyable class that I have had since I started school was Poitical Science. Well, other than my comp classes. But everyone knows I love to write, and write, and write! But I love the government now. I love debates, elections, hearings, the whole nine yards. And I don't know why. Well, yes I do. I had a professor that made it interesting to me. I had someone that made the political spectrum so fascinating that it created a firestorm within me.

Just like now....when Marcy brought up her friend Kathy Taylor...sure...I perked up. Don't you know I've already read up on Tayor for Tulsa? I know what she's all about! My idea of a good afternoon of watching televison is going home after class and turning to channed 44 and watching what the house and senate are doing for the day. My husband has wondered what I have become! He laughs at me and says...."You are not seriously going to watch this are you??" I feel the need to watch what they are going to talk about." People....THIS IS IMPORTANT STUFF!

So I'm not changing my major or anything like that. I'm still devoted to being the best nurse I can possibly be. But you never know where I may end up. I my end up being the private nurse to some big political hot shot someday. You just wait and see...I'll be flying on Air Force One or something like that! It's just driving me crazy!

Oh my head....

Why does my head have to hurt so much?

I have re-entered the world of migraines! What is it with these things? Just when things were looking so much better, here they come again.

I feel like this is just some sort of punishment that I have to go through in life, but nobody should ever have to hurt so much. It is truly like hammers and needles stabbing through your skull. It's funny that the first paper I wrote in biology was on "The Diagnosis and Treaments of Migraines in Children" and I scored and absolutely perfect score with Kudos from the professor. Guess I have some experience huh?

They've been gone for a while but have now decided to come back with a vengence. With no warning, they appear out of nowhere. Luckily, our wonderful Chiropractor is always on hand to lend some relief when possible. Most of the time, I feel that is the only thing that helps at all. It's truly amazing what chiropractic care can do for one's head!!! If you haven't tried it it out....I truly suggest it!

So for now, I go to bed early again tonight hoping and praying that I don't wake with this in the morning. But I'm not very optimistic. It's just not that easy to get rid of. Feels like a nasty mold that won't go away but grows and grows and rears it's ugly head whenever it wants to. Ugh!!!!

Praying for a good nights rest!

Working on Faith

What is Faith and spiritual Maturity? This is something I have been working on recently in my personal growth with Christ.

I was asked to speak to a women's group a while back at another church here in Tulsa. One of the ladies that attended this church had heard my personal testimony and asked me if I would feel comfortable delivering it to a complete group of strangers. Well, isn't that usually the easiest? I mean, It's easy to be completely open, honest, and vulnerable to people who don't even know you.

I began to speak, telling of my childhood....the day I was born, our house burned down, then progressing up to age 6 when I begin to speak of sexual abuse that would take me into my adolescent years. As the story continues, I watch the tears roll down the faces of some young women in the group. Obviously, I've hit a nerve. I continue to talk about how I met my husband and where our lives went after our marriage. Many problems arise as they commonly do with young married couples. Talks of divorce, dealing with addictions, coping and trying to grasp the concept of where to go next. Where is God in all of this?

As the story began to wrap up, a young lady is really just crying and I was sad for her. I didn't know why. By the end, my story really had a good turn. My husband and I are together, happier than we have ever been, our children are great, and we have a firm foundation with God our Father. Why could she be so sad?

After it was over, they hosted a tea and coffee session where they were free to ask questions. This young woman, who is about 8 years younger than I am silently started to talk to me and mirrored so many of the things that had happened in my life and didn't know how to deal with them. I was so sad.

One of the things she mentioned is that she didn't know why I appeared so happy now. Where is it that I can find peace? Is there such a thing as Faith?

I believe that Faith is based on three things.....Believing in God....Trusting God....And surrendering to God. That is what makes us stronger in our walks with him.

You have to totally believe that God is going to bring you out of every pit of despair no matter what the pain or hurt it causes. You must BELIEVE in him. In Matt 21:21 it says~ Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.

Trusting Him is such a big deal! With my track record of life, trust is a big issue! There are so many times that I could just turn my back and walk away from Him but I haven't yet. Why? Because he has been so faithful to me. Sure, it hurts. It's supposed to hurt. But there is good in the hurts. In Romans 15:13 it says~May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you TRUST in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Surrender! Oh my goodness! Did they have to put such a big word in the bible. You know...for those of us who are the "D" personality....(green dots, Lions, etc) Surrendering is the hardest part. Are you kidding....that's like walking to the front of the church and airing your garbage for everyone to see right? That's the "asking for prayers" that's so hard. But this is the part that I think God KNEW would be difficult for us. He wants us to grasp this concept and run with it. Surrendering to Him. Leaving our weaknesses at the alter for Him to fix. Our hurts, our mistakes, our past, and hidden agendas, etc.
I think of that song "I surrender all"....just makes me think of laying it all out there for Him.

So we talked for a bit about the three things mentioned above and that made her feel better. She didn't know how someone could continue to love Christ with all the hurts and turmoils that she has been through until she had heard my story.

I struggle at times with knowing what my mission is in life. What my purpose is.
I don't find myself always "Mission Minded" or ready to go out and attack the mission field in another country. It's hard for me to find my place in ministries knowing where I fit best. I'm working on trusting in Him that he will lead me to the right place and area that will be best suited for me.

Does He have a harvest waiting for me? Is there a field that that already has the seed? I'm not sure. It's about Faith, It's about believeing, and it's about surrendering my will to Him.

And just as I told the young lady that day, both of us are very unique in our own way. God has called us here for a special purpose. We have already waged a war that many will never have to endure. Many will never have to walk. Many will never have to go down this road if we can help them. We know what fight we have to fight. We know when to be strong, when to be weak, when to cry, and when to surrender.

It's all a matter of Faith and walking in His light and in his footsteps.

Praising with the best group of people.....

Is the only way I can express how I felt tonight during the premiere of praise! This group is the best group to work with and can make me laugh, cry, and have fun with the best of them. I love that about them. I don't know how to express my feelings about the French's departure. I'm sad for me, but happy for them. I feel like I have this hole in the pit of my stomach that just won't go away. Someday's it almost feels like someone has taken a part of a limb away. I know that's a bit much, but I feel they are like a part of my family and in a sense they are, my christian family that God has provided me with. I have learned so many wonderful things from this family that have taught me in my growth and walk on my path for spiritual maturity.
I crave everyday to find the path that God wants me to be on and so many times, they have been examples of Christ to me and I know I will truly miss witnessing that each week during our time together. Sure, it was always nice to get together on Tuesday night to sing and practice, but for me, it was more than that. It was a time for spiritual growth and learning. What more could God teach me this week. Not only from Allen and Anne, but from the rest of this team. I can tell you I gain such spiritual wisdom from this group. I feel selfish....somewhat like a taker....as Dr. Phil would say! I take so much from all of them each week as I go in and absorb what energy that God puts in that room that I sometimes don't feel like my contribution is always as 'spectacular'. Sure, I sing and I try my best, but I want more. I want my spiritual praising to be all about the Lord, Our Father, Our God, and I totally want his hand in everything I do and nothing else to matter. I think it is....for the most part....about that. Sometimes about the notes, but I want growth. I don't want my night consumed with anything else...if that makes sense.
I just see so much going on in the world today. So much hurt, so much anger, so much heartache, so much ugly stuff and I am still a very INMATURE CHRISTIAN in so many ways! But the one way that I feel SO mature is when in my heart I can just praise His name. I feel God gave me that gift to lift my voice in song. But is that enough??? I'm just not sure. I sing that song "Make me an instrument of Your peace" and I love that.....but am I always there? I need to be there.....being HIS instrument, doing his work, being his voice. Just not always sure if I'm always on the right track.
God what will you do with me today, tomorrow, and for enternity???
Use me, mold me, make me your instrument! I am so ready to do your will....I'm just waiting for your answer!

And the Winners are.........

LUKUS was the 1st place overall winner in the Pinewood derby today and Ian was the 1st place winner for the 1st year
Webalo's. I don't think either of them placed in the derby last year so this was really cool for them this year to place first.


In addition, Lukus also recieved the the award for the most Patriotic Car. They both worked really hard on their cars this year and made them extra special so for them both to place 1st was really neat. But to see Lukus beat out all of the packs out of the entire Den and get first overall was just the coolest! His expression and excitement was one I will never forget. I know he was so psyched! This was truly the highlight of his weekend! He has never won anything before so this was truly a fist for him. He worked really hard on his car with Chad all the way up until last night to put on all the finishing touches before the big race this morning. What a great weekend! I know the boys will remember it forever!
In the above picture is Lukus with the Cubmaster Brenda Watkins who was also voted Cubmaster of the year in Tulsa!

I'm with Theresa...get an egg!

So today Theresa got my curiosity up with this whole "egg" thing. So I figured what the heck....I could do this too. Looks pretty cute. Now I'm really excited to see what my egg will become. This is very interesting. Only 8 more days until hatching! Yeah! I picked green because it looked happy and funny! I needed a home and I had just the one to provide.

Okay...this is sappy now! Thanks Theresa!

What's Bright Yellow And on for 2 weeks.....

You guessed it! One big cast! Lukus decided to go ahead and break the growth plate in his ankle. Ugh! He had already sprained his ankle last week and was supposed to be resting it. Late Saturday night, he was running through the house (from Ian of course) just playing around and when he slipped, he landed right on his foot.
The funny thing about Lukus is that he really doesn't feel that much pain. He didn't even tell me. Ian had to come and find me to tell me that he couldn't walk. When I went to Lukus, he was just sitting there playing his playstation. Hum....but when I looked at it, his ankle was the size of a baseball! Ouch! So we packed up for the night and headed to the ER. That is such an interesting place when you are there for 6 hours and that is through the middle of the night. We actually made some friends. Especially when nobody (staff) spoke to us until 2am and then we were seen around 3am and then finally got home around 4:30am.

It's been such a long weekend with a trip to the ER and Dr. visit's but I'm just thankful it wasn't worse. He's so excited for everyone to start signing his cast now and pretty much thinks he's hot stuff!

But bless his heart, I know under all that, he's really trying to be brave and not show how much it hurts. But for now, we'll just cuddle on the couch!

Oh Yeah...OKLAHOMA'S GOT IT!!!!

In case you missed it.....The new Miss America was crowned tonight and it was in fact Miss Oklahoma Jennifer Berry! Way to go!

That dress was something made for Royalty!!! Absolutely Beautiful!