Sunday, March 26, 2006

The Full but Empty feeling.....

I love this time of year but dread this day.

I love the workshop...the chance to be with my dearest and closest friends. My lifelong friends that I've known since 1988. Of course that makes me realize that I'm just getting older. hee hee.

I dread this day so much becuase after being here for 5 days, they are now gone and I feel this deep empty feeling in my heart. Sure, this happens every year but as I sit here and cry (as I do each year), it's so hard to imagine that I'll wake up tomorrow and they won't be here. My heart just hurts so much.

This year felt so good to be around friends and just to let myself totally go. Not that I normally wear a mask, but I guess I worry at times what would happen if others hung out with me long nough to get to know me. Not so much my D pesonality, but the I that I truly love being. Would they laugh at my jokes? Would they be loud and obnoxious when I am. Will I ever find such friendships here where even going a day without talking to them is difficult? So after saying all of that...I guess there is a part of me that realized today that I live in hiding not being able to be the real me. I have LOTS of friends and aquaintances that I love dearly but there's nothing like your lifelong best friends. Everyone has those and those hilarious memories that you cherish together. I just feel so sad that mine are so far away.

Chad is my best friend here and I feel totally comfortable being funny around him. Joking in a way only he can understand. Only in a way that my friends this weekend can understand. But maybe I don't give others the chance because I'm afraid. Afraid that others won't laugh with me and like my humor.

I know what I should do is focus on the fun times we have everytime and look forward to our times together. Our time at PF Chang this year was incredible. Both nights for dinner was so much fun. But just being together in their presence gives my heart something that is just priceless. I think every year I laugh off about 10 pounds and that's such a good feeling. (Not the weight loss...but the laughing...ha ha)

So how do I fill up this empty feeling I have? Where do I find some lifelong friends here in town that I feel this comforable with? People that want to hang out with me just for no reason atall? Makes me sometimes wonder if I'm doing something wrong.
For now, my best friends of all time will have to live 7-10 hours away as we continue to have long distance friendships. Who knows....maybe one day, I'll end up closer to them. You never know how God works.
For now, my life goes back to getting my degree. Once that happens, I can't guarentee where we'll end up. But I pray that God gives us clear signs of what he wants us to do and what his passion for us is.

1 comment:

Mama Lin said...

You and Chad constantly bless all of the Watershed family when we are with you! PF Changs may never admit us again. HEY, maybe they already KNEW how loud we would be and THAT is why it took an hour to seat us. Love you, Bren! :)