Working on Faith

What is Faith and spiritual Maturity? This is something I have been working on recently in my personal growth with Christ.

I was asked to speak to a women's group a while back at another church here in Tulsa. One of the ladies that attended this church had heard my personal testimony and asked me if I would feel comfortable delivering it to a complete group of strangers. Well, isn't that usually the easiest? I mean, It's easy to be completely open, honest, and vulnerable to people who don't even know you.

I began to speak, telling of my childhood....the day I was born, our house burned down, then progressing up to age 6 when I begin to speak of sexual abuse that would take me into my adolescent years. As the story continues, I watch the tears roll down the faces of some young women in the group. Obviously, I've hit a nerve. I continue to talk about how I met my husband and where our lives went after our marriage. Many problems arise as they commonly do with young married couples. Talks of divorce, dealing with addictions, coping and trying to grasp the concept of where to go next. Where is God in all of this?

As the story began to wrap up, a young lady is really just crying and I was sad for her. I didn't know why. By the end, my story really had a good turn. My husband and I are together, happier than we have ever been, our children are great, and we have a firm foundation with God our Father. Why could she be so sad?

After it was over, they hosted a tea and coffee session where they were free to ask questions. This young woman, who is about 8 years younger than I am silently started to talk to me and mirrored so many of the things that had happened in my life and didn't know how to deal with them. I was so sad.

One of the things she mentioned is that she didn't know why I appeared so happy now. Where is it that I can find peace? Is there such a thing as Faith?

I believe that Faith is based on three things.....Believing in God....Trusting God....And surrendering to God. That is what makes us stronger in our walks with him.

You have to totally believe that God is going to bring you out of every pit of despair no matter what the pain or hurt it causes. You must BELIEVE in him. In Matt 21:21 it says~ Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.

Trusting Him is such a big deal! With my track record of life, trust is a big issue! There are so many times that I could just turn my back and walk away from Him but I haven't yet. Why? Because he has been so faithful to me. Sure, it hurts. It's supposed to hurt. But there is good in the hurts. In Romans 15:13 it says~May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you TRUST in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Surrender! Oh my goodness! Did they have to put such a big word in the bible. You know...for those of us who are the "D" personality....(green dots, Lions, etc) Surrendering is the hardest part. Are you kidding....that's like walking to the front of the church and airing your garbage for everyone to see right? That's the "asking for prayers" that's so hard. But this is the part that I think God KNEW would be difficult for us. He wants us to grasp this concept and run with it. Surrendering to Him. Leaving our weaknesses at the alter for Him to fix. Our hurts, our mistakes, our past, and hidden agendas, etc.
I think of that song "I surrender all"....just makes me think of laying it all out there for Him.

So we talked for a bit about the three things mentioned above and that made her feel better. She didn't know how someone could continue to love Christ with all the hurts and turmoils that she has been through until she had heard my story.

I struggle at times with knowing what my mission is in life. What my purpose is.
I don't find myself always "Mission Minded" or ready to go out and attack the mission field in another country. It's hard for me to find my place in ministries knowing where I fit best. I'm working on trusting in Him that he will lead me to the right place and area that will be best suited for me.

Does He have a harvest waiting for me? Is there a field that that already has the seed? I'm not sure. It's about Faith, It's about believeing, and it's about surrendering my will to Him.

And just as I told the young lady that day, both of us are very unique in our own way. God has called us here for a special purpose. We have already waged a war that many will never have to endure. Many will never have to walk. Many will never have to go down this road if we can help them. We know what fight we have to fight. We know when to be strong, when to be weak, when to cry, and when to surrender.

It's all a matter of Faith and walking in His light and in his footsteps.

Praising with the best group of people.....

Is the only way I can express how I felt tonight during the premiere of praise! This group is the best group to work with and can make me laugh, cry, and have fun with the best of them. I love that about them. I don't know how to express my feelings about the French's departure. I'm sad for me, but happy for them. I feel like I have this hole in the pit of my stomach that just won't go away. Someday's it almost feels like someone has taken a part of a limb away. I know that's a bit much, but I feel they are like a part of my family and in a sense they are, my christian family that God has provided me with. I have learned so many wonderful things from this family that have taught me in my growth and walk on my path for spiritual maturity.
I crave everyday to find the path that God wants me to be on and so many times, they have been examples of Christ to me and I know I will truly miss witnessing that each week during our time together. Sure, it was always nice to get together on Tuesday night to sing and practice, but for me, it was more than that. It was a time for spiritual growth and learning. What more could God teach me this week. Not only from Allen and Anne, but from the rest of this team. I can tell you I gain such spiritual wisdom from this group. I feel selfish....somewhat like a taker....as Dr. Phil would say! I take so much from all of them each week as I go in and absorb what energy that God puts in that room that I sometimes don't feel like my contribution is always as 'spectacular'. Sure, I sing and I try my best, but I want more. I want my spiritual praising to be all about the Lord, Our Father, Our God, and I totally want his hand in everything I do and nothing else to matter. I think it is....for the most part....about that. Sometimes about the notes, but I want growth. I don't want my night consumed with anything else...if that makes sense.
I just see so much going on in the world today. So much hurt, so much anger, so much heartache, so much ugly stuff and I am still a very INMATURE CHRISTIAN in so many ways! But the one way that I feel SO mature is when in my heart I can just praise His name. I feel God gave me that gift to lift my voice in song. But is that enough??? I'm just not sure. I sing that song "Make me an instrument of Your peace" and I love that.....but am I always there? I need to be there.....being HIS instrument, doing his work, being his voice. Just not always sure if I'm always on the right track.
God what will you do with me today, tomorrow, and for enternity???
Use me, mold me, make me your instrument! I am so ready to do your will....I'm just waiting for your answer!

And the Winners are.........

LUKUS was the 1st place overall winner in the Pinewood derby today and Ian was the 1st place winner for the 1st year
Webalo's. I don't think either of them placed in the derby last year so this was really cool for them this year to place first.


In addition, Lukus also recieved the the award for the most Patriotic Car. They both worked really hard on their cars this year and made them extra special so for them both to place 1st was really neat. But to see Lukus beat out all of the packs out of the entire Den and get first overall was just the coolest! His expression and excitement was one I will never forget. I know he was so psyched! This was truly the highlight of his weekend! He has never won anything before so this was truly a fist for him. He worked really hard on his car with Chad all the way up until last night to put on all the finishing touches before the big race this morning. What a great weekend! I know the boys will remember it forever!
In the above picture is Lukus with the Cubmaster Brenda Watkins who was also voted Cubmaster of the year in Tulsa!

I'm with Theresa...get an egg!

So today Theresa got my curiosity up with this whole "egg" thing. So I figured what the heck....I could do this too. Looks pretty cute. Now I'm really excited to see what my egg will become. This is very interesting. Only 8 more days until hatching! Yeah! I picked green because it looked happy and funny! I needed a home and I had just the one to provide.

Okay...this is sappy now! Thanks Theresa!

What's Bright Yellow And on for 2 weeks.....

You guessed it! One big cast! Lukus decided to go ahead and break the growth plate in his ankle. Ugh! He had already sprained his ankle last week and was supposed to be resting it. Late Saturday night, he was running through the house (from Ian of course) just playing around and when he slipped, he landed right on his foot.
The funny thing about Lukus is that he really doesn't feel that much pain. He didn't even tell me. Ian had to come and find me to tell me that he couldn't walk. When I went to Lukus, he was just sitting there playing his playstation. Hum....but when I looked at it, his ankle was the size of a baseball! Ouch! So we packed up for the night and headed to the ER. That is such an interesting place when you are there for 6 hours and that is through the middle of the night. We actually made some friends. Especially when nobody (staff) spoke to us until 2am and then we were seen around 3am and then finally got home around 4:30am.

It's been such a long weekend with a trip to the ER and Dr. visit's but I'm just thankful it wasn't worse. He's so excited for everyone to start signing his cast now and pretty much thinks he's hot stuff!

But bless his heart, I know under all that, he's really trying to be brave and not show how much it hurts. But for now, we'll just cuddle on the couch!

Oh Yeah...OKLAHOMA'S GOT IT!!!!

In case you missed it.....The new Miss America was crowned tonight and it was in fact Miss Oklahoma Jennifer Berry! Way to go!

That dress was something made for Royalty!!! Absolutely Beautiful!

Praying for Brain Power

I have to laugh at myself this semester so many times when I think back to enrollment. My advisor told me not to take more than the two classes I am currently enrolled in now. These are very difficult courses and she advised me I really don't want to take on anything else.
I was very reluctant to listen to her guidance and direction but I did follow though and I am only taking two classes at this time. These are also my final pre-reqs that I must complete before being admitted into the nursing program.

The funny thing is, I thought my most difficult class would be Chemistry. I have an awesome instructor that really breaks everything down and makes is so simple to understand. Really it is not as hard as I thought it would be in the beginning.

However, that is not the same story as my Biology class. I struggle so much in this class as to where there is much more Chemistry involved than in my Chemistry class. I find that a little odd. I have visited with the instructor on numerous occasions to inform him of my concerns and today he assured me that he will NOT let me fail. He will MAKE sure that I get it before I leave in 16 weeks. Boy....I think he has a challenge on his hands.

You know when you have those moments of weakness and you find yourself wanting to cry but you are fighting back tears....That is how I felt talking to him. I thought, there is no way I will break down when I so bad just wanted to throw in the towel and quit.

This morning he met with me an hour early and went over things that I didn't understand and helped me to grasp the concepts that I just couldn't get in class. It certainly helped being able to have that extra time and being able to ask some extra questions.

It's so hard going back to school 15 years later. I wouldn't have been as disciplined then as I am now. It's discouraging going and getting in a class where I feel like I can't succeed. Where I feel like it's just not coming together. It's only the second week and I know it will get better....I just have to pray for more brain power! ;o)

A New Movie...A Second Chance

As many of you know, I am a huge Michael W. Smith fan. On Feb 17th, he is staring in a movie that I have been waiting for over a year to come out! And finally it's here! Here is the story told by the directors....or you can click to watch the trailer: http://www.thesecondchancemovie.com/_site/

Same faith. Same city. Different worlds.
The Second Chance is a film about two men - one from a white church in the well-to-do suburbs and one from a black church in the inner-city projects. Although founded by the same man, each church manifests its mission in a very different way.
This film authentically tells the story of how a rebellious son and a street-smart pastor struggle to bridge the gap between their respective churches and cultures. More importantly, at its core, The Second Chance is about being willing to step outside your comfort zone and serve where you are called.
Jeremiah Jenkins (J. Don Ferguson) founded Second Chance Community Church amid the turbulence of the civil rights demonstrations in the sixties. He has since moved from the inner city to the suburbs where he founded The Rock, a now mega church where community service often takes the form of large donations to the collection plate. He continues to travel the world establishing new churches, but he's lost sight of the place where his journey as pastor began.
His son Ethan Jenkins (Award-winning performer Michael W. Smith in his first leading role in a feature film) recently left his wayward lifestyle as a West Coast musician to serve as associate pastor at The Rock. He's busy, affluent and caught up in the big business of a big church. His ministry is more about Sunday simulcasts than service to others. He's rocking the pulpit and the boat at The Rock, and the church board decides Ethan needs to take a little sabbatical…. to Second Chance.
Jake Sanders (introducing jeff obafemi carr) is the Pastor of Second Chance Church. He is street tough and a committed servant to his community. He works hard to keep his church together, and he resents the arrival of Ethan with his fancy car and his "cash can solve anything" attitude. Sparks fly from day one when Jake takes Ethan on a tour of the "hood," and the various situations they encounter lay bare Ethan's misconceptions and insecurities. He resented Jeremiah's decision to move to the suburbs, and now he resents being saddled with his son.
Over the next few weeks Ethan tries gamely to fit in at Second Chance, but even his best efforts end in frustration and failure. Forced to work side by side with Jake, he discovers there is no boundary between the streets and the sanctuary. When the youth pastor from Second Chance takes a beating so that a young man can leave a gang, it shakes Ethan to his core. He questions his own courage and the depth of his Christian convictions.
Jake and Ethan struggle to find common ground as they face street gangs, their own shortcomings, and those who would destroy the community church for political gain. Can the faith Ethan and Jake share overcome the prejudices that divide them to give themselves and a struggling urban church a second chance?

Pictures from a great day!

What could be better than Disneyland?

This is just one of those rare circumstances that you just don't see around my house very often. Almost wanted to make me break out into Kum ba yah! I will say I now have a new background on my desktop! The kids are talking to 2 ducks in the water and having a fabulous conversation and apologizing that they have brought no food to their table. I was in the background observing and it was quite funny! Today we spent the afternoon at the park. The kids say we never do ENOUGH stuff. Well, I never get enough KID time because I have to study and they never get enough mommy time. Then they never get enough Daddy time because he has to work. So this morning I took them to the park. They got to play,and I took my books to study and we captured it all on digital whatever! It was a great time and everyone got what they wanted in the end. I love it when everybody wins! Everybody feels good! And nobody is complaining when we get home! From the mouths of my babes....."Mom....This is the best weekend EVER!!! Better than Disneyland!"

An Incredible Night!

Last night we took the kids to Incredible Pizza. Now this is a treat because it is somewhere we NEVER go. For one, it's expensive, and for two, I think that should be treat since it's such a big an awesome place to go. And I like to go as a FAMILY! After all, it is a family place.

Now, we got to go to Incredible Pizza because of Lukus. Lukus is always getting hurt doing something and we are always going to the doctor for something on that boy. Well, Thursday night all five of us were having a grand ol' time jumping on the trampoline and all of the sudden, Lukus just stopped jumping with this weird look on his face. He said "Ouch" but wasn't really crying or screaming. He doesn't feel pain too much. Even when he cut off his toe he didn't cry. He just sat there and said, "mom, I hurt my toe."

So this time, he said, "Mom, I just hurt my foot" So I took him in yesterday and luckily it is only a sprained ankle!!!! Praise God! No bones are broken. The bad news was he's out of gym for one week, out of the track club for 2 weeks, and off the trampoline for 3 weeks. He was quite upset. So while we were at the Doctor, she walked out and when she came back in, she gave him 7 free passes to get into Incredible Pizza called "BRAVERY AWARDS" Well that cheered him up real quick! He's always the one in the family getting hurt but doesn't ever complain about it. He just kinda rolls with it.

We went and had a fabulous time. The kids were wonderful. We ate together, played games together and then came back and had dessert together when we were about ready to go. It was such a blast. Nobody fighting, everyone sharing, and everyone just getting along like they should. It was absolutely an incredible night!

Oil of Olay!

Today was a fun day! I got mistaken for one of those young folks! Well, you know what I mean...the younger ones in college! I was sitting next to this guy in class today and we're shooting the breeze waiting for class to start and he's talking about High School. I'm chuckling to myself as I begin to realize.....'he think's I haven't been out that long'......so I play along. UNTIL I GET CAUGHT!

So then I had to fess up. He said...."When did you graduate" Quickly....I'm trying to find myself not wanting to give that answer just quite yet...I'm thinking in my youthful mind but yet much older body, which has already popped out 3 kids and I'm feeling aged I must answer the question, I say, "15 years ago" Ugh...well I could have just said the year! That would have sounded MUCH better than the number 15!

But then I loved his response! NUH HUH!!!

Couldn't have been better.

But then here comes the follow up question.....from a guy!

HOW OLD ARE YOU???

Lord help me now! Or should I say help this poor soul! So williningly, I tell him! 21! Ha!
No seriously...I told him 32! And he didn't believe that! Made me feel pretty good about myself. Guess whatever I'm doing...or should I say...NOT DOING...I'll keep doing.

2nd day and counting!!!!

Well, I was off to day number two of my new semester! What a day! It was interesting enough as it started with Biology lab instead of lecture. Sure enough they would introduce the one thing that is one of my ultimate weakness' "The Metric System". Are you kidding? On the first day!

Guess I should dive right in. It was fun but difficult. The instructor was a hoot to work with and really seemed helpful. Although, he made it sound SOOOO simple. (as I STILL didn't get it when I walked out of the class room) But have the opportunity to show up an hour early for class on Thursday for a little extra help. I'm thinking whoever invented this system was a little out of their mind to begin with! Can't say it wasn't fun, but very challenging! And what do I always say...."I love a challenge!"

I went to my lecture portion of biology and it was great too. I struggled in listening to the parts about evolution as I'm not very open minded about that as I do believe I know WHO created the earth and where it came from. I don't need science to tell me that. Too bad Chapter 1 is completely over Evolution! But he doesn't focus a great deal on that so I think we're off to a great start! Whew! I was a bit worried when I saw my text book and all 56 chapters of it and was relieved to see we will only cover the first 20! YAY!!!! Isn't college great! I'm saying that now....Remind me of that 1/2 way of the semester if I come crying on your shoulder!

I'm just totally pleased with both of my instructors this semester. They seem to be very outgoing with the students and seem to want the best for them. I love instructors that want to see you succeed. That's what they are their for. Every now and then, you will find one that is there for their own personal gain and that is the one I don't want to come across! I like to empower other so I guess that's the kind of people I like to meet as well. It just goes both ways!

This will be a great 16 weeks! Oh...And by the way...The parking situation today....Much better!

A new semester...a little grumpy!

Today started off good and ended with me a little grumpy by the end of class. I woke this morning at 5am and forced myself to go back to sleep. I shouldn't have done that but wanted to be fully rested for my first day of Chemistry!

Now, I wasn't thrilled of the thought of driving to the South campus. All the traffic and the trouble of parking...that just drives me insane! Besides, I have come to really enjoy the North campus for the past year. But I went with a smile on my face this morning.

To make it even better, I walk into my class and my instructor is none other than Mr. Jackson! One of my former clients from TTCU! What were there chances of that happening! When I picked this class, there was no instructor assigned to it yet so I had no idea who I was getting so it was basically just luck of the draw. This couldn't have been any better. He is a great guy and funny too! I just know now this is going to be a great semester and I'm looking forward to it from now on! And an added bonus...WE DON'T HAVE TO MEMORIZE THE PERIODIC TABLE! YEA!

So I had not purchased my lab coat and supplies yet so I was off to get that done today for my labs on Wednesday. Now...here's where Grumpy comes in! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY CARS ARE IN THIS PARKING LOT? Not only that...they need a woman to design the south campus parking lot of TCC! It's truly a nightmare! And the parking area for the Student Union area only has about 50 spaces for it! Unbelieveable! Not to mention that my classes are about 3 miles walking distance from there so about the only way to get there is to get in your car and drive. But then you can't get a space. So you find yourself right back where you were to begin with parking where your classes were and walking the 3 miles in the cold outside because the buildings DON'T connect and it's just a nightmare and I'm complaining to my husband the entire way! I'm already ready to go back to the northeast campus and it's only been a few hours.
Truly, this campus was not designed by women or they would have gotten it right!

Okay, now my grumpy stage is over and I'm better now! I showed Chad my goggles and he laughed at me! Husbands! What are they good for! Not much! Guess he won't be laughing when I start bringing home money huh?

So my class was great! I'm exctied for Chemistry now. I was nervous before I started but I think I will do well in it! I feel confident! Now I just have to go into tomorrows class with that same attitude and I'll be okay! But ugh...it's another drive to South Tulsa! Better start praying now! ;O)

A Celebration Worth Sharing!

This is Grandma Jo. Today we celebrated her 70th Birthday with a surprise party at McNelle's in Downtown Tulsa and boy was she ever surprised. She was so nervous she couldn't even eat the entire time we were there. But it was so nice she was able to just visit with everyone and enjoy the day. There was a teriffic turnout and she was just overwhelmed with all the love in the room. All the kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids were there for the celebration as well as friends and loved ones. Everyone came from near and far to see her. She certainly deserved this day.
The hardest part was the slide show for me was seeing pictures of my grandpa once again. I miss him terribly so. They were the perfect match together. They owend a daylight donut shop together for years and retired from that and now that he's gone, it was difficult to see photos of him again but it was fun to remember the good times we had together with my grandpa.

I love her sense of humor, her whitty personality, and the way she loves her family. Best of all, she loves to pick on Chad! And that's the best! She can dish it and and take it like the best of them! She's a strong woman and I love her for that! I really admire her heart and courage for who she is and what she stands for! She truly is an amazing woman!

The Connection of Small Groups

I really enjoyed church tonight. The testimony was truly awesome and I love how it showed how God's love and mercy can come around full circle again and end up right back where it once began. How awesome is His plan!

I loved what they said about Small Groups and the connection. I know there are so many people that make a choice to not be connected into one and it makes me sad for them. I want to reach out to them but don't know how. I've tried different approaches but after a while, is there a stopping point? Do you just give up on people? Did Jesus ever give up? How many times in the bible did He say to keep trying until you just move onto someone else? Guess I need research!

I have a difficult time in my studies with this. I love what they said tonight about wanting to be connected to so many and it's hard to choose just one. I connect with that feeling so much. Maybe that's why we travel to so many about every six months or so. I kinda think it's healthy. Then you get to know quite a bit of people that way and create even more relationships. But then again, I do miss the other friendships from our other groups too, so it's a hard decision either way.

It's a big subject! But I can honestly say that without the connections of the small groups that we have had at church, I'm not sure that we would have many connections at all. Those connections have drawn us deeper and closer into the body and heart of the congregation and gotten us closer to everyone there.

Goodness! I just love our church!

The Pooper Scooper

I've become a pooper scooper! I hate to admit it, but I never used to clean up after my dog in the backyard. I used to just use the theroy of..."lets just mow over it and bag it!"
Today, I was at Southern Agriculture....looking for a gift when I ran across this cool contraption of a pooper scooper. Light weight, Spring loaded and works with one hand. Let me tell you, with my lab....sometimes I feel I need more than that! TMI! So I bring it home and try it out! And my back yard is clean as a whistle! The dog is happy, the kids are happy, we're all happy....and no more cleaning the bottom of shoes! The mine fields are gone! (Chad said....anything for a camera!!!)

My List of things....

As I read over my friends blogs, they all wrote about the new years and their resolutions of things they would like to do for 2006. It occured to me that I really struggled in this area. I don't like to make resolutions because then what happens if I don't complete them...then I feel like a failure.
I remember completing a list of things once "The top 10 things I have started in not finished" Well...now, there's a list! Ugh! I could name more than 10 in just one day!

I guess I could write some things I want to do and if I don't accomplish them, then that's okay with me: I'll be okay!

• Start a prayer journal - When I attended Dr. Gaither's funeral a few months ago, I was inspired by what her daughter read from her journal. It lifted my soul & it taught me how to be more postitive and uplifting in my prayers and journaling.
• Communitating - With Chad and the kids. It's so hard living the life we do right now. The stress level is at an all time high and my saving grace are my daily talks with God.

And that's it. I start small. Everything else I do will be an added bonus. My list doesn't need to be long. Everything else that I do within my year will be like a blue ribbon! And when I succeed, it will feel good. God didn't create the world in one day. It took him 6 and then he rested. LOL!

So since I don't have a journal to write in yet, this will be my first:

January 3, 2006
Thank you God! Thank you for bright beautiful sunny days in January! Thank you for kids who love to laugh and play. Thank you for Ian, Emilie, and Lukus. Thank you for Chad and the hard work he does every day to provide for us. Lord, he is unbelieveable. Thank you for Sherry father and her friendship to me. Father thank you ever so much for Kaye and make her well. I truly love her! Thank you for the Praise Team and the way they lift their spirits. Thank you for the ministry. Thank you for the French's father. I love them so much. Father thank you for creating me so that I can experience all these creations here on earth and appreciate them. I love you Father. Amen.

Oh My Son....

And his desires to look like....like....Jesse McCartney. You know, It's pretty bad that I even had to "Google" his name to make sure I was spelling it right!
It's pretty bad when my husband is going to have his highlights done but when my ten year old son is telling me about his "new growth" coming in it's getting pretty bad.
"Mom...I need a foil"
OH HELP ME NOW!
I love that he's got the voice and the talent...but the hair care is mighty expensive these days. What's a mother to do!

Thirsting for more....

Do you ever just thrist for more?

I can't explain it and it seems so hard. I want to sit and study, but don't know what. Each day there is something that takes me to the word. Ususally something that hits my emotions pretty hard. Like this morning at church.

Yes, I know...I told Carrie I wouldn't blog about it. But things like that send me straight to the word looking for answers. So today I found that in Hebrews 11 that for the French's, they are living by Faith and stepping out on what God's desire is for them to do and offering themselves as living sacrifices. After being in the word, I feel so much better. It's still hard to see them go, but it's easier to understand it from God's perspective and not try to understand it totally from my own point of view. I'm selfish! And that's where Phillippians 2 comes in for me:

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Hummmm....Guess I found what to study huh? I know God will send us someone else, but not another Allen, Anne, or Rachel. They will always be loved in my heart. I can say that my heart hurts today, but God will fill it with loving memories of great times on Praise Team, trips to Nashville, and that never dying song "Aint No Rock" I'll always love Allen for that! And even when he's gone....I won't sing it! But I will laugh! And think of him! And hopefully in Kansas...he can think of me and smile when he sings it too!