Friday, August 31, 2007

I am flawed!

I struggle with being flawed today. It scares me to the core of who I am.
I think at times that if some people knew the real me that they wouldn't want to know me anymore. It's crazy because Jesus knows the real me and he loves me unconditionally.
I struggle with this today in a huge way. I struggle with wanting to be real with those I love the most...but hold back due to fear. What would they say? Would they turn away? My heart really aches about this.

I like to appear confident...but I'm not.
I like to appear all together...but I'm not.
I like to appear I never gossip...but I do.
I like to appear that I don't lie...but I have.
I like to appear that I'm a great mom....but I not.
I like to appear I'm a great wife...but I'm not.
I like to appear that I have no complaints...but I do.
I like to appear that I am happy all the time...but I'm not.
I like to appear....well...things that I'm just not.

Sounds like a sickness to me. But it's not. It's being human. It's being real. My heart hurts heavily today for the things I long to be in life and fail at so miserably.

I know I'm successful.
I know I'm strong.
I know I'm an awesome person.
I know I'm a child of God and He loves me and all else doesn't matter.

Why is it that I find myself convicted at times like this. My world is not crashing! My world is fine. It's an emotional fine....but it's fine.

I think God likes to give me a good nudge in the heart every now and then. I have a little cry fest and then I'm better. He puts me back into reality when I start pretending that my world is something that it's not supposed to be.

When people look at me, I want them to see the real me. I want them to know me. If it's good or bad then that's what it is.

One of my patients recently was an elderly nun. At first, I was really reluctant about everything I said in her presence. I did not want to offend her in any way. WHY????? Shouldn't I be like that with everyone? I was disturbed the rest of the day by my attitude and actions. Why would I be a certain way with one...and then different with another. And with a nun, I really didn't want to go wrong. It's just be being crazy and God giving me that nudge again getting my attention.

My heart has drifted. I'm not who I want to be. I'm working on a better me that others will be so pleased to see. A new me that I can love much more than I ever thought.

1 comment:

Theresa said...

I love you just the way you are, and I think it's fabulous that you're real and honest and growing.