Friday, October 26, 2007

24 hours

When I started this blog I said I would never blog about the bad days but quite frankly, I can't do that today. The past 24 hours for me has been what I consider hell. (there, now my blog is no longer rated G)

My children are at an age now where they are trying to claim and find their independence. So much that it is at my expense.

I love them dearly, but in the past 24 hours they have treated me worse than they would treat our dog. Doesn't make me love them less, but sure makes me not like their behavior at that moment.

I reached an all time high breaking point this morning with emotional overload. I called several people, but none answered. I think it was a sign that God just wanted me to deal with it at that moment alone and rely on Him.

But what I feel is I can no longer do this. I can't be all things to all people. I only have what I have and that's it. I give all of myself away to everyone else and save nothing for me. Even though I feel I am one of the most selfish persons in the world, I give it all away! My love, my heart, my time, my everything so that for one moment, I can see someone smile. That makes me feel good inside! Where did I go wrong?

Today was supposed to be a good day. I have my recital later today and now...the words of this song I will sing will be so profound it's not even funny. Not even sure I can make it through.
I sit here and cry, have trouble breathing, and just can't compose myself any longer. I can't walk in with a smile and say I'm okay. I'm not.

I don't ask for prayers, because I'm too prideful. I don't like being vulnerable.
It's a hard concept for me to know that when I am down, others are there to pick me up. I don't like people to see me cry and moreso, I don't like them to see me angry. Today, the real me decided to come out and play and we haven't been having a good time. The sympathetic me is wiping the tears of the real me and still searching for the part of me that is just willing to let it all go and be free to be me.

1 comment:

Jessi's world said...

Wow Brenda. It is so strange to read exactly the same things that I am feeling right now. I too, am having trouble with my daughter and am feeling very hopeless in this situation and can feel myself distancing from her emotionally to protect myself. oh yes, I still love her with all my heart but raising her is killing me especially when I too have exactly the same problem with giving everything away to make everyone happy but does anyone appreciate it or even reciprocate. NO - the answer is no and when is enough enough. My latest motto to myself is I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE but I do and why? I think because of fear. I fear that if I rock the boat too much and do what it would take to shock everyone into reality it would cause some really sad times and SAD well there is enough of that. But, I continue to press on! Anyway! Just thought I would let you know that you are not alone. I feel your pain. Love, Jessica