Friday, February 16, 2007

Thoughts......

This is been an unusually rough week. I'm a strong girl in my faith so I think I can handle a little roughness around the edges.

I feel I have some very important decisions to make over the next few weeks regarding my future. I really need to consult God on these and find out just where He wants me to be.

This week I have been shaken, stirred, frightened, and felt dispair about Ian. I don't know where to turn. I am tired and I am weak.
But I found hope in these words:
My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

I ask on numerous occassions "God why did you give me this child?"
It feels more like an assignement I am failing. Will I be graded in the end? I'm not cut out for this.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I may have to take some time off school and devote more time to my family. Choices!

Have you ever tried uncensored writing? I'll give it a shot.

My passion is failing
My eyes are heavy
My strength is gone
My hope is diminished
Today is just another day and tomorrow will start anew.
A Fresh start
A new sun will arise in the morning...as will I.
I will get a hug today, from the one that I just can't send away.
My heart hurts for him. My heart hurts for me.
Where is my rainbow? Where is my sunshine? These thoughts are selfish.
It's not about me.
This is not me. I've lost me. Where am I?
Thoughts a mom should never have. Cries a mother should never have.
Where did it all go?
Did I make a mistake? Have I lost the past 3 years?
I will not be sad anymore. Pain and sadness will not win.
God will win. He gives me strength I didn't know I had. He dries my eyes.
I must make a decision. The future....not sure what to do.
I am not superwoman nor do I have superpowers.
I am just tired. Pray.

6 comments:

Theresa said...

I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out... 'cause I just got off the phone with you, and then I read this. And I can't stop... even though I told you I was done crying.

I love you, my friend. Thank you.

Brenda said...

Theresa! I love you!

Terry Rush said...

Brenda,

My FRIEND whom I cherish, I love you today. Be free to let go knowing He will hold on. Be free to doubt knowing He will build you a greater faith. Be free to fail knowing He will guide you to perfect success.

No one can know your personal pain. Do know several of us hold you tightly to our hearts and take our turns dabbing your tears.

You are a stabalizing force in my life. I need you!

I love you today!

Brenda said...

Terry! Thank you for your love! I love having you as my friend. You are special to me.

Napa said...

My dear sweet girlfriend. I can only imagine as a parent how confused, frustrated and helpless you feel right now with Ian.
I asked you once to come for a 2 day visit so you can sit and speak with my niece who has an austic boy. She is President of the Dallas org. She will be great support as well as a 'steering' committee for you!

You have a part of my heart,

/ Nan

Dusty said...

Brenda, thanks for that. Your words really touched me today.