You know when you have those days where you want to blog something but you just don't know where to start? Today is one of those days.
I sit here in the quiet. I hear the sounds of lawn mowers outside (which reminds me that the lawn needs mowed)...I hear an ambulance go by (which reminds me I need to work)but most of all I hear nothing. It's a sound that I love. A quiet peaceful nothing. However, in the 'nothing' you can hear so much.
I find myself in times like this asking lots of questions. I pray, I cry, I read, I do many things to reflect, and all by myself. It's really a cleansing feeling. Probably doesn't make any sense at all.
My thoughts have been focused around my healing and recovery lately. I am lost. I don't know what to do....but....the option I am leaning towards isn't flattering anyone right now. I question as to why?
I'm considering not going through with the second surgery. Can't I just pray it away? Doesn't that work? Shouldn't I believe that it WILL work? So many times we read of miracle's happening so why couldn't I be one of those? I could!
The part I come to is the part in my mind where the doctor tells me it's a must.
How long do I wait??? I honestly don't want to do this again. If it comes down to it, and I have the surgery, will I assume I didn't get a miracle? I just can't think that way. What if my miracle was them finding out now that I needed the surgery before it got too bad? All great questions, and only one person can give me the answers.
Has it been bad? Yes. Have I allowed others to see that? Not to my knowledge. Could it have been worse? Yes. Have I prayed? More than ever. Have others prayed? More than I imagine!
If God wants me to go through with it again, then I pray that those answers will be very clear to me on Tuesday at the doctor appointment. I pray that he gives me very clear direction on what to do, where to go, what to say, what questions to ask, and give me very clear answers. I pray he send me a burning bush and make it bright so that I can see clearly what it is I am supposed to do.
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2 comments:
(I apologize ahead of time for the length of this.) I too love the sound of nothing, because in fact it is something. It is quiet and peaceful, and yet you can hear so much. And it's in those times that I usually find I here God best.
Actually, what you're saying about what takes place in the silence being very cleansing makes a whole lot of sense. I know exactly what you mean,because I've experienced it. It's so refreshing to take time too look deep within yourself -by doing things to reflect as you said-, and to have that one on one conversation with God. Just you and Him...no other distractions.
I'm sorry you feel lost right now and don't know what to do, I would feel the same way in your situation. All the questions you've brought to the surface are good ones. I wish there were some way I could comfort you and help you find those answers. However, I've reached the same conclusion that it seems you have as well. Only one Person can give the answers. I'd encourage you to continue going before the father, and I shall do the same on your behalf. I pray that whatever his plan for you, he'd make clear. And if he chooses not to, that you will take heart and trust in Him.
~love you~
Find comfort in his word:
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Matthew 28:20 "And surely I am with you always, even to the very end of the age."
Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest...and you will find rest for your souls."
2 Corinthians 12:9,10 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness. ...That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses...,in hardships..., in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Proverbs 3:5,6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
Friend,
Wherever you are, whatever you do, however it goes, you are a source of rich blessing to God's flock. I am proud we are friends.
I love you today!
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