Something about this song I heard on the radio really grabbed my attention. Especially when I hear teenage girls singing it. When talking to them about it, I was shocked to know their feelings about it. It seems they aren't feeling like they are in a dark place or have a dark side, but yet, they believe this communicates the committment one might have to another who is less than perfect and we should all love each other, even with our dark sides. We are all less than perfect. Amazing what you can learn from a 12 year old that is belting out the lyrics to something like this. Glad to know what she's singing isn't the message that some might hear in these words but communicating a greater message of what it could really be.


There's a place that I know, It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now, Will it make you run away, Or will you stay
Even if it hurts, Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am, Please remind me who I really am
Everybody's got a dark side, Do you love me? Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect, But we're worth it, You know that we're worth it
Will you love me? Even with my dark side?
Like a diamond, From black dust
It's hard to know, It can become, A few give up, So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am
Everybody's got a dark side, Do you love me? Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect, But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it, Will you love me? Even with my dark side?
Don't run away, Don't run away, Just tell me that you will stay
Promise me you will stay, Don't run away, Don't run away
Just promise me you will stay, Promise me you will stay

Containing myself....

You ever have something that's happening that you are so excited for?  And not even excited for yourself, but for others?  Sometimes I feel like I can hardly contain myself.  I want to get excited and jump for joy, but something holds me back.

For several years I have had the opportunity to be a part of some exciting things.  But Satan sure finds a way to steal that joy. So much so that I fear I can't share my excitement with others. I have to contain it, bottle it up, and keep it to myself for fear of the reaction and feelings of others.  I don't want to hurt anyone or offend anyone. But.....God has given me more than ample amounts of opportunities that I should be allowed to get excited over.....but Satan comes in and destroys that.  How is this even fair? 

But wait....what if....it's not Satan that is doing this, but God is wanting me to learn something. 

Satan comes in to steal our joy and destroy things that bring glory to God.  Right?  What if.....God is teaching me to be humble in these situations?  Teaching me humility?  Teaching me how to find the joy in all situations.  Just because I can't shout it from the roof tops doesn't mean it can't bring glory to God.  But...what if God DOES want me to share my joy that I have because of Him?  Then am I taking away opportunities for how incredible He really is?  How am I to know? 

Proverbs 12:23 says Smart people keep quiet about what they know, but stupid people advertise their ignorance.

1Thessalonians 4:11 says, "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands."

Just what if....He wants me to do His work quietly?  What if He's working on my ignorance and making me smart?  So many verses speak to how I'm feeling today, where I've been, and what it is that I want to become.
Guess I'll continue to be that work in progress. 

Memories

Ever wonder what it's like to have short term memory loss?  Fear not!  Let me explain how much fun it's NOT! 

Over the past 48 hours, post procedure-surgery, I am finding myself repeating the same things over and over to the same people, as well as, not remembering things that I think are pretty important. 

It's frustrating & embarrassing all at the same time.  My co-workers have been very generous listening to me and giving me soft corrections.  I've been informed that this is a side effect of the new heart medication I'll be taking.  Oh joy!  The problem is, I'm finding myself not wanting to talk to anyone out of fear I may have already spoken to them and just don't remember. 

I came home today and put on the one thing that is familiar to me.....music.  It brought me to tears not remembering some lyrics.  But, it soon came back to me. Just like a story that I was trying to sing. 

I've exhausted myself today trying to remember things.  From this morning, to several weeks ago.  I've been reminded of the things that are important and just closed my eyes and had to let the other things go that I was trying to hard to concentrate on. 

I'm thankful today for my husband who notices these things in me and is willing to help me through it. And my kids, who are extremely patient with me when I need reminding. 

Guess I'll buy stock in post-it notes :) 

......til it's gone.

There's that saying "You don't know what you've got....'til it's gone"
We lose things all the time.  We take so many things forgranted.  A simple  hello, a hand shake, a hug, the ability to speak, sing, or dance. What if tomorrow just one of those things were gone?  How would you handle it?

I've learned over the past 6 months to take nothing forgranted.  NOTHING!  And be content that God and give...and take away...blessed be the name of the Lord.

I'm fortunate that I married "up" in this world.  God has given me the best gift ever in a husband that is so understanding and caring for me.  When things are really not in his favor, I am still the one he worries about.  He's more worried about how I feel, rather than how things should be affecting him.  I'm more worried about how he handles everything and worries about me.  I think this is why we make such a good couple.

I can't worry about the small things anymore and I've learned to sacrifice more because of the lesson that he teaches me.  I think God gave me him to teach me to be a better person, and a better wife. 

Senses....

Have you ever lost any of your senses?

Over the years I've been losing the senses in my fingertips due to poor circulation. It's been a very slow progression. When I get cold, it gets much worse. Even painful. It has made me appreciate the sense of touch. I love to hold hands. Especially with my kids. To feel the warmth of another hand warming mine on a cold day when it is piercing to me is just the extra added bonus. If I ever lose all that, It will be hard.

Being sick over the past week has put fluid in my hears. As my doctor said "A TON" of fluid. She could not even see my left eardrum. It doesn't hurt, but I just can't hear. In fact, all I can hear is a constant low bass humming sound at all times. Makes me think the train is going by our house. It's made me appreciate the gift of hearing. I can't imagine living like this all the time. I've noticed myself trying to strain to hear things better. Turning my head, turning up the radio or TV, it's been difficult and frustrating. It's made me appreciate what I have and how well I can hear. I think God gives us a glimpse at times of what it could be like without something we take for granted so that we may better learn to appreciate it. Today...I appreciate all the senses I have and that God made them unique to me.

Busy, wowed, amazed

Hello busy, cough, cold, flu, RSV, pneumonia, bronchitis season. Geez! I think we've already seen it all this year. In the past 3 days I have worked really hard to making some people feel a lot better. Whew! It can be totally exhausting. And then rewarding as well.

Last night....I met a woman who has...15 children (all by the same mother & father) 6 boys & 9 girls over a 20 year span and non of them were twins. She has 41 grandchildren, 63 great grandchildren, and 18 great great grand children. Also....there is NO divorce in their family. They have well over 200 family members and they are truly one big happy family. To hear their story was incredible.

Can you imagine the legacy this woman is leaving. There is a reason that she had around the clock care....not from us...but from her children. Amazing!

Emotional side of life

Sometimes you just don't know how to handle the emotional side of things in life. You're up, then down. It can be a roller coaster...but watch out....you've never seen anyone like me hang on for the wild ride! I'm a strong woman. I can take on even more than I think! This year is already proving to be interesting for me, and that's okay. One thing my life will never be is.....boring! Love it!

Clueless Wonder....really?????

Today I found out that a child that I work directly with, and could have a signifigant impact on, has AS.

Our sermon Sunday spoke about having these clueless wonder moments, and I sat there and wondered if I had ever had any....until today.

God puts people in your path that you would least expect. Not only did he put a child in my path, but he put one in my path that I actually know how to relate to.

What's even more exciting....I can't wait until Ian gets home to relate this information to him. If Ian loves anything more, it's kids who are are just like him. He knows what their mind is going through and wants to learn to help them. He's come so far and I think back to all those times that I just wanted it all to end because I didn't think I could handle it. Now...today...not only can I handle it, I have an opportunity to help others who may deal with the same thing.

I am so thankful right now that I have had to endure the hardship of having a child with AS for 16 years....and I'm thankful for those who stuck it out with me and loved him in spite of all his little quirks! What this looks like from this side of it is so heavenly, compared to where we have been.

Last week, I prayed for patience in a totally different situation. I think for 16 years, God has been grooming me to have the most incredible amount of patience. Just, who knew, it would be through one of my children.

It's gonna be a good year to give....

One of the things I really liked about this past Christmas was our ability to give. But not just me and Chad, the kids too. We focused this year on less presents for us, more giving to others. Even if they didn't "need" it. We did it because we wanted to, and because we love them. Then we gave to those that did "need" it.

I've always grown up with a ton of presents around the tree. It was so exciting on Christmas morning to wake up and see tons of gifts. We kept that tradition going as our kids were younger. But not in 2011. This past year, they each only had 1 gift to open under the tree. It was the gift they wanted the most. What they had been asking for. The smiles were not any smaller. In fact, the words "We actually got what we wanted" was very nice to hear.

The usual unwrapping of the gifts went fairly fast of course and then we moved onto the grandparents and then onto help with Project Tulsa in giving to the homeless. By far, that was my most favorite part of this year. Blessing those that truly need blessed all year round.

As the new year has begun, we aren't even barely through the first week and my kids are already asking about giving to someone else. I've watched them grow through their own selfish desires to putting others first in their lives. It's so cool to see how they have transformed. They are becoming little adults who think about the good will of others over themselves.

I can't take credit for their change in attitudes. I can only give God the glory for giving me such wonderful children in my life.

Decorate

After being in our home for almost 3 years, I'm excited at the thought of finally decorating and making it a home. For so long I felt like it was just 4 walls that we just placed some furniture in. Now, it's finally going to feel warm and inviting to come to. Each month we will take on a room. January = The Master Bedroom. I like starting with this room because during the day, it seems to be where I spend most of my time. If I'm not sleeping here, I'm on the computer in here, or reading in here. I'm excited to create a space where I want to come and relax. Sleeping during the day has always been a problem because my room is so bright. By painting the walls a darker color and adding pretty brown blackout curtains, it's sure to make it a place to sleep soundly. (If I can only convince the dog to not bark right outside my window!)
It may not be the home we will be in forever, but it needs to feel like a cozy, warm, and inviting place to come to. Not for just visitors, but for us too.
I'm excited to try my hand at decorating.

New Year, New Things 2012

2012 will be a year of exploring new things and ideas for us. I'm excited for the journey. Not really sure where it will lead. I get emotional just thinking about it. Emotions can be weird because you don't know if that's just fear, or if that's really your heart diving right into it. I like to think it's my heart...that is scared to death. 2012 doesn't need to be a year of missed opportunities. If we don't try, we will never know. If we don't explore, we may never see what could really be there for us. Again...SCARY!
I want the year to be one of looking back and having no regrets. I want to be comfortable, with the uncomfortable. We are are a journey, and for once in our lives, we are taking it slow. Not rushing....not anxious....just calm.
I don't want to live a life of "What if...". I want to live a life of "I tried..." and then see where it takes me.
2011 had some good moments and bad moments. We made new friends, new relationships, and are not looking back at those moments that hurt us. We are excited to move on and live the life that was intended for us. Some may never agree. Some may question. All I can say is.....I wanted to to try.....
Guess I'll have to see where the story ends up myself. I have no idea! That's really exciting to me!