Thursday, June 11, 2009

I'm not who I was.......

Tomorrow is the day. I heard the news earlier this week. The wife of the man who abused me for 6 years of my life....has died. Now....they are both gone.

How is one supposed to feel with that kind of information? Happy? Sad? Angry? Emotionless? or maybe just don't care. I can say, I've had all those emotions....over time.

I was in an awkward spot when I heard the news via text. I was singing with our praise team which forced me to not react. I could have left and I did consider it, but decided the best place for me at that moment was right there. For the rest of my time there, a particular numbness came over me and my mind was consumed. I knew the questions would be coming....and in fact, they will come even more when none of my family shows up for the funeral.

I must admit, I shook almost uncontrollably as I typed her name on the Tulsa World website to verify her death. Parts of me still feels like it isn't real.

It's been interesting that the events of my childhood have been at the front of my mind for the past 48 hours. Some of them more painful than others, but all in all,I think I've dealt with it pretty well. Had a small talk with my mom today. And then my brother called and we talked. It's really amazing how something like this can crush a family but also bring such a great amount of healing. Only something that is as Great as the power of God can bring that type of healing.

I am at such a good place in my life. And in saying that, I wouldn't change it for anything. I don't know who I would be today if I had not survived the events of those dreadful years. Would I be strong? Would I be a good mom? Would I know right from wrong? Would I be the person I am today? Only God knows.

For the rest of my life I will be.....just who I am. I will never ever be who I once was. I will always have a past and always have a story of healing, but I choose not to live with that pain again.

I do not know if they were sorry when they died. I do not know if they asked for forgivness. But my prayer tonight is that God shows them the mercy that they never bestowed upon me. I pray that they never have to feel the pain that I felt as a child. I pray that the memory of them here on earth is good to those that they served well. I pray that their souls are reunited once again as husband and wife and that they spend enternity of happiness together.

I pray that God teaches me to be strong in spirit during the weak times. I pray that he gives me strength tomorrow morning as I pray for those that are mourning the loss at her funeral. I pray that God helps me continue to heal this part of my life and I pray that he will never let me forget the events in my life where I felt so broken......and I turned to him......and he healed me.


Linda L said...

Just wanted to let you know I am seeing grace in action while I read your post today. You have so much you could be bitter about BUT instead you choose to live in the Spirit, and the Spirit shows love and mercy and grace...I am glad I've gotten to know you better over the last few months. And hope to get to know you even better over the coming years! BTW, your previous post on names was especially good too! We should all eliminate the negativity out of our lives! Love you~

Terry Rush said...

Little One,

Know of the pleasure He finds in the merciful heart like yours. You not only inspire.

I shower you with support. I applaud you for acting like you have a God superior to all circumstances. You are a song.

I love you today...really.

Hannah said...

wow. no words can describe what an inspiration you have just been to me. You chose to share a piece of your pain and a piece of your heart...when others would have just stuffed it and pretended like everything was ok. (even though it really is through our Heavenly Father). Someone else, not living in the spirit, would have been bitter but you made a concious decision to let God's love and mercy shower over your pain and envelope you with a peace that only comes from Him. Thank you. I pray that He will continue to grow you in this, as you let go and start anew. And I pray that your example will light a fire in me to do the same in the pain of loss i find i'm facing.
~love you~