I'm not who I was.......

Tomorrow is the day. I heard the news earlier this week. The wife of the man who abused me for 6 years of my life....has died. Now....they are both gone.

How is one supposed to feel with that kind of information? Happy? Sad? Angry? Emotionless? or maybe just don't care. I can say, I've had all those emotions....over time.

I was in an awkward spot when I heard the news via text. I was singing with our praise team which forced me to not react. I could have left and I did consider it, but decided the best place for me at that moment was right there. For the rest of my time there, a particular numbness came over me and my mind was consumed. I knew the questions would be coming....and in fact, they will come even more when none of my family shows up for the funeral.

I must admit, I shook almost uncontrollably as I typed her name on the Tulsa World website to verify her death. Parts of me still feels like it isn't real.

It's been interesting that the events of my childhood have been at the front of my mind for the past 48 hours. Some of them more painful than others, but all in all,I think I've dealt with it pretty well. Had a small talk with my mom today. And then my brother called and we talked. It's really amazing how something like this can crush a family but also bring such a great amount of healing. Only something that is as Great as the power of God can bring that type of healing.


I am at such a good place in my life. And in saying that, I wouldn't change it for anything. I don't know who I would be today if I had not survived the events of those dreadful years. Would I be strong? Would I be a good mom? Would I know right from wrong? Would I be the person I am today? Only God knows.

For the rest of my life I will be.....just who I am. I will never ever be who I once was. I will always have a past and always have a story of healing, but I choose not to live with that pain again.

I do not know if they were sorry when they died. I do not know if they asked for forgivness. But my prayer tonight is that God shows them the mercy that they never bestowed upon me. I pray that they never have to feel the pain that I felt as a child. I pray that the memory of them here on earth is good to those that they served well. I pray that their souls are reunited once again as husband and wife and that they spend enternity of happiness together.

I pray that God teaches me to be strong in spirit during the weak times. I pray that he gives me strength tomorrow morning as I pray for those that are mourning the loss at her funeral. I pray that God helps me continue to heal this part of my life and I pray that he will never let me forget the events in my life where I felt so broken......and I turned to him......and he healed me.