The Full but Empty feeling.....

I love this time of year but dread this day.

I love the workshop...the chance to be with my dearest and closest friends. My lifelong friends that I've known since 1988. Of course that makes me realize that I'm just getting older. hee hee.

I dread this day so much becuase after being here for 5 days, they are now gone and I feel this deep empty feeling in my heart. Sure, this happens every year but as I sit here and cry (as I do each year), it's so hard to imagine that I'll wake up tomorrow and they won't be here. My heart just hurts so much.

This year felt so good to be around friends and just to let myself totally go. Not that I normally wear a mask, but I guess I worry at times what would happen if others hung out with me long nough to get to know me. Not so much my D pesonality, but the I that I truly love being. Would they laugh at my jokes? Would they be loud and obnoxious when I am. Will I ever find such friendships here where even going a day without talking to them is difficult? So after saying all of that...I guess there is a part of me that realized today that I live in hiding not being able to be the real me. I have LOTS of friends and aquaintances that I love dearly but there's nothing like your lifelong best friends. Everyone has those and those hilarious memories that you cherish together. I just feel so sad that mine are so far away.

Chad is my best friend here and I feel totally comfortable being funny around him. Joking in a way only he can understand. Only in a way that my friends this weekend can understand. But maybe I don't give others the chance because I'm afraid. Afraid that others won't laugh with me and like my humor.

I know what I should do is focus on the fun times we have everytime and look forward to our times together. Our time at PF Chang this year was incredible. Both nights for dinner was so much fun. But just being together in their presence gives my heart something that is just priceless. I think every year I laugh off about 10 pounds and that's such a good feeling. (Not the weight loss...but the laughing...ha ha)

So how do I fill up this empty feeling I have? Where do I find some lifelong friends here in town that I feel this comforable with? People that want to hang out with me just for no reason atall? Makes me sometimes wonder if I'm doing something wrong.
For now, my best friends of all time will have to live 7-10 hours away as we continue to have long distance friendships. Who knows....maybe one day, I'll end up closer to them. You never know how God works.
For now, my life goes back to normal....school....studying....and getting my degree. Once that happens, I can't guarentee where we'll end up. But I pray that God gives us clear signs of what he wants us to do and what his passion for us is.

Sleep

You know...It's so weird, I can never sleep past 7:30 in the morning. It makes me SO mad sometimes. I try my hardest to sleep late but it just doesn't work for some reason. I won't way that my body is rested, because I have that feeling of "Oh..I'm not ready to get up".
So last night, I went to be totally exhausted to the point I could not hold my eyes open. I didn't think I could make it up the stairs. I was convinced that I would sleep on the couch tonight. But I made it to be and woke up at 10:00am this morning. 10:00!!!! WOW!!! I haven't done that since I was a teenager. I woke up wondering where the kids were (at grandmas) and freaking out about the time. It was a good but weird feeling.

Then there's those afternoons that Chad can just come home and fall asleep that the drop of a hat. I can't do that. I would give anything to take a nap in the afternoon. I know there must be something wrong with me. No matter how hard I concentrate...I just can't do it.

Anyway...so the workshop is coming and I can't tell you how excited I am for all my friends to get here. This is the highlight of my year. I get to see my dearest friends about twice a year and this is the longest. I can't even begin to explain my feelings leading up to this week. I just feel like a kid at Christmas when they show up.
I'll never forget the time on my 17th birthday. I walked out of my parents house to load my car with something and this strange car pulls in the driveway. I'll never forget the feeling when my friends Tisha, Tanah, and Brishan got out of the car. It was one of the best days ever. I remember it like it was yesterday. We have so many great memories together since we were young and I just can't wait to see them in a few days. I think the older we get, the more excited we get to see each other. I think every year I laugh off ten pounds when they get here. So I'm trying to contain my excitment but believe me...I'll let loose when Wednesday gets here.

Such a sad day....

You know...there's always some type of excitement in our neighborhood...but tonight was not the type of excitement we wanted. One of our precious neighbors died tonight. Bobby wasn't feeling well and went into the bathroom and had a heartattack.
This was the man who assisted me when Lukus cut off his toe and everytime we would have snow....he would come by using his snow plow and plow my entire driveway. He was a quiet man, pretty much kept to himself...but was the type of man who would help you with anything you needed.
The kids love to play in his yard trying to catch the cottontail bunnies we have in the neighborhood. Bobby never complained once. He had lots of friends and family beyond this neighboorhood and I know he will be missed. It's just so sad to seem someone go so quickly when you just saw them working in the yard yesterday. Just makes you realize how short life really is.

Is it more than just a friendship???

Well, Ian says so! Friday night Ian and Becca spent the evening at Fun and Games and had the best time! He was so cute when he came home. He talked and talked and we laughed and laughed

you can tell he was just tickled pink to have such a good friend. He started to ask me questions about when Chad and I met and how me met. So I told him the story. Most of the time, he giggled and just put his head down in the pillow laughing. Guess he's never really needed to know until now.
So I finally had to ask him...
"Ian...is Becca just your friend or your 'girlfriend'?"

He says, "Oh definately mom...she's my girlfriend" But we didn't say that until tonight.

I tried to look at him without panic on my face. I think at this age my mother would have had a heartattack if I ever said that. But I wonder...is it different with boys? I don't have that serious panic...I kinda just laugh about it. I mean...they are so cute and most of all...Becca really keeps Ian well grounded. He is totally a different person when he is around her. But he told me that they don't talk about it at school cause kids would make fun of them.

So here it is...Sunday...and Ian is begging me to let Becca come over. So tonight we went to the park to hang out. We didn't get to stay long because of the storms coming in but they really had a blast together just laughing and running around.

I never thought that Ian would develop a friendship with a girl. I honestly was a little worried that girls wouldn't have an interest in him due to all of his problems. But he has really become a little ladies man.

I asked him "Ian...what will you do when we move and you don't go to the same school with Becca anymore?"

He replied..."Mom, you can't let that ever happen. It would really crush me."

Lord help me now!

A week off!

Yay!! It's finally spring break and I feel so weird that I don't have to study! It's not enough that I can just thank the Lord that there is no homework....but I even woke up in the middle of the night reciting the steps of Glycolysis and Krebs cycle and Electron Transport Chain. It's like I can't stop.
We had our midterm exams on Thursday and Friday. I am SO glad they are over. I don't think I could have studied another day. This truly has been my hardest semester....but I think I say that as each semester passes by.
I had a very interesting conversation with another student who outright told me she was cheating. I can't tell you how mad this makes me. The fact that I'm working my tail off to get this in my head and make a great career for myself...and then someone else can come along and take advantage of the system. I was able to talk to one professor and had the issued solved in that class. The funny thing was...I told this girl that I did not approve of her behavior and she didn't care. So I asked her...."So you don't mind if I go to him and tell him what you are doing?" She said "I don't view it as cheating" HELLLO!!!!!!! Okay....so I e-mailed my professor that day and didn't give him the name of the student...just told him the scenario that was going on. The next morning...she is so worried that I'm going to tell the professor...that she rats on herself. It was so classic. I may sound evil....but it was priceless. And she did it in front of my other classmates.
I really have tried to befriend her in the beginning....but I just couldn't condone her way of learning. I would just hate it if she was ever my nurse or one for my friends or family. If you don't understand the way the body works...then you shouldn't be working on someone else.

So now....school is over for a week and I have time to get work done around the house. We started remodeling our downstairs bathroom today. Okay....so this is priceless....We remove the toilet and Chad puts it in the front yard. So I said "Hey...sit on it...that will look funny."
What's Chad do??? Pulls down his shorts and sits on the pot! OH MY GOODNESS!!!! WHAT WILL MY NEIGHBORS THINK!!! I freaked and ran inside. He gets up and gives them a good wave! Face it....Chad is my 4th child!!! But boy does he make me laugh!!!

What a great week this will be!!!!

Gettin Healthy

For extra credit in Biology my professor decided to let us go and get this health screening. Besides that simple fact we are studying all this stuff and it is very interesting, it would be a good idea to see how healthy or un-healthy we are.

To my surprise...I'm very healthy. Everything was completly in check. My total Cholestrol was low, HDL was was at a good level but that can always be better! My LDL was low, Triglycerides and glucose levels were at a great level!
I've been trying to watch myself lately. I'm at that point now where it's starting to feel good. I've lost 15 pounds since Dec 1 and things are starting to fit me better. Overall, I'm just starting to feel better about myself. That's what's important. I've always been the kind of person that has said that I don't care what the scale says, just as long as I feel good about myself. Today is just one of those days. It's the simple rewards that count in the end and I'm truly loving life right now. This has just been a fabulous week! Praise God!