Thursday, June 22, 2006

Pride, Selflessness, and Appreciation

Do you ever do something because you heart tells you it's the right thing to do? And then your heart hurts after you did it?

I did that today. Actually, something I was proud of at the moment when I did it. Made me feel good about who I am.

I asked myself first,"What is your motivation behind doing this?" My answer to me was...."Because it's the right thing to do!"

My next question was "Am I reaping any benefits from doing this?" The answer was no.

I asked myself..."What would Jesus do?" And I thought to myself for a moment....and proceeded with my decision. I think that is why it felt so good. saying that, here I am, many hours later and my heart hurts. Not because of what I did...but because I want to be totally and 100% selfless. I don't feel selfish really....but I know that somewhere deep down in me...there is a part of me that is. There is that little devil in me questioning my good intentions. Why on earth is it doing this to me? I want to know I did exactly what I did for the right reasons and be okay with it.

Then there comes another word that is hard on me...Pride! In making my decision, I had to totally swallow my pride. That's not easy. Pride is a strong word.

There really are a couple of definitions for Pride:
A sense of one's own proper dignity or value; self-respect

Arrogant or disdainful conduct or treatment; haughtiness.

Now...I don't really like to think that I am that second one...but today I did have to lay aside my own dignity and self-respect for someone else.

The only way that I can stop and think about that is Love. I made a decision because I wanted to show someone love. This person may never know it, may never appreciate it, may never even realize what I did, but I wanted to do it so that they may find some happiness in their life. So I was willing to give up some of mine.

The part where I really struggled today is not appreciating myself for what I did. I allowed those other thoughts and old tapes to come into play and stopped realizing I did a good thing.

So in typing this, I guess my revelation in all of this is how to appreciate myself for the good things I do. I know God loves me and He appreicates me....that's all that matters!

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