I am more than a seed....

I'm a flower!

What is your favorite flower?

Mine is a Stargazer Lilly. They are beautiful, colorful, each petal opens in a different direction, has a heavenly scent, and no matter what the occasion, happy or sad, they say what needs to be said. These flowers stand out! They are bold, beautiful and dramatic and they make a statement wherever they are. This flower is upbeat and can conform to whatever occasion is necessary. Mixed with other flowers, they are sure to make a beautiful bouquet, but still stand out among the rest.

A little history on Lilies:
The Stargazer is an oriental hybrid. They have traditionally represented innocence and purity. White stargazer lilies represent purity of the heart and sympathy. Pink ones represent wealth and prosperity. In the 1920's they found that these flowers were easy to grow and produce a dramatic effect! To grow them they need full sun and little shade! They grow in the summer, become very tall, and needed consistent water. They are called "stargazers" because their blooms look up to the sky! The Oriential meaning of the stargazer is "I see Heaven in your eyes"

I believe that Jesus enjoyed flowers just as much as I do.
There is a bit of controversy in regards to how many flowers are mentioned in the Bible. Most of that could be solved by explaining the translation you are reading. I can find 7 different types of flowers are mentioned in one translation or another. Anemone, Crocus, Cyclamen, Hyacinth, Iris, Lily, Narcissus, Star-of-Bethlehem, and Tulip. I would venture to say that the Lily is flower remembered by most.

"I am the rose of Sharon and the lily of the valleys" (Song of Solomon 2:1 KJV)

Even the wilderness and desert will be glad in those days. The wasteland will rejoice and blossom with spring crocuses. Yes, there will be an abundance of flowers and singing and joy! The deserts will become as green as the mountains of Lebanon, as lovely as Mount Carmel or the plain of Sharon. There the Lord will display his glory, the splendor of our God. Isaiah 35:1-2 (New Living Translation)

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. “(Matthew 6:27-29)

For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. For, "All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever." And this is the word that was preached to you. (1 Peter 1:23-25 )

So wouldn’t you like to be like the lilies that God speaks of?
If I look back that the top and see the things that are radiant about the Stargazer I would love to imagine myself as these “beautiful, colorful, growing in various directions, have a heavenly scent, stand out, bold, dramatic, upbeat, pure of heart mix well with others, stand out among the rest, and make a statement wherever I am.”

If I want to be like a beautiful Startgazer Lily, I have to grow in areas where God already has me planted. I need to stand in the Son…not the Sun…to get plenty of light. I need to be watered and fed. Standing in the shadows won’t get me anywhere. When I bloom in God’s light, I want to look to the sky, just as the Lily does. And what if there is nobody to water my seed to help me grow?? Then I pray that God sends the rain!
Let someone See Heaven in your eyes today!

Yesterday??? Just another day? Nope!

A day of sorrow....

A day of confession....

A day to declare....

A day to die....

And a day to LIVE!!!

Give it ALL.....

Wow...this is one of those blogs where I have idea where to start.

Do you ever have something so heavy in your life that the only way to deal with it....is control it yourself?

So many times, I try and try to give things over to God. But don't give it ALL to him.

Many times when I pray, I will get down on one knee. Nothing really wrong with that. Instead of kneeling on both knees, it's just one...so would that count as only partially giving something to God?
Does praying on one knee mean "I still want some control myself?"

Before God can do anything for us, He must have all of us. We must pray on both knees.

God of this City

I really love this song. It just speaks volumes to what God is getting ready to do here.

Being Random Again

I feel odd when I have nothing to blog. So much I could say...so much I probably shouldn't say. So...there is random.

* My semester is now 1/2 over. Last year this time, I was sick and Chad was sick. Praise God we made it through.

* I find that since I quit watching TV....my kids have pretty much quit too. Their attitudes are different, they are more loving, I see less fighting, and their minds are more creative. Still hard to get them to do their homework though.

* I have discovered that I like making videos. However, I found out that my OCD style makes it frustrating for me to get it "just right".

* Lukus' football team is now 6-0.

* My Thursday morning class at 6:30am is WAY TOO EARLY!!!!

* I wonder if I will want to stay in the house after it is fixed up? NO!

* I find that speaking into a microphone in front of an audience is MUCH HARDER than singing in front of an audience. Weird huh?

Overwhelmed!

Imagine my shock! I open the mailbox and there it is. A Homes and Land magazine with our house listed in it for sale! We don't even have a sign in the yard yet. And even better, it's listed on the Internet! Ugh! What to do? The house is not ready. I can't find time to get it done. I can't find a moment to breathe lately. The walls are sinking in fast. I have the supplies, the paint, everything. The hard work is done. The trim is taped off! It's ready to go. All I have to do is pour it in a pan....and roll it on. Sounds simple huh? Where do I find the time?
God sent an angel to call me last night. Tammy called and asked if she could put some time on her calendar to come over and paint. I don't have to be here, just leave it where she can find it and leave a key. My first instinct was to say NO. But the first thing that came out of my mouth was YES! It's so hard to ask for help when you know you really need it. We don't want to be needy people. But God designed us to lean on each other and to lean on Him. So that....is what I am choosing to do.

Our lifestyle has changed drastically this year. Chad's hours cause us never to see each other. Communication with him has nearly ceased or has moved into the texting phase. If it wasn't for technology, I would not ever get the chance to talk to him. Guess I should be thankful for AT&T.

I find myself searching for adult conversation again. I haven't experienced that since my kids were toddlers.

3 months ago I decided to stop watching television totally. If it weren't for the kids, I would not even own one now. (okay...not true...it is football season) But even with Football, I barely have time to take a glance at that. But I've noticed something. You know how much drama is on TV? Between sitcoms and the news, that's really all it is. So if you're not watching drama, well, you create it. And boy, did I ever know how to create drama. This is such a fault of mine! Maybe I should get wrapped up in those shows like desperate housewives (which I've never watched) or Grey's Anatomy or House or anything that gives me that fictional life that everyone dreams about. NOOOO! That's not the right thing!

In the little amount of time I do have, I have devoted about 30 minutes everyday to my own personal bible study. In three months it has been the most rewarding thing I have done and I love it. I have learned so much about myself by looking at my life and comparing it to someone in the Bible, a principle, or a law/commandment. Now...granted, that's not always good. What I have found out about me has not been great. Leading to being even more overwhelmed.

I've made some decisions in my life that haven't always been smart ones.
But today, I spoke to someone very encouraging who I believe is going to give me some hope for the future. I see a journey that I have been on which I call the path of destruction. I see a journey that I am embarking on that can only lead to me being closer with Christ. Recognizing that I am a sinner is the first step. How I deal with that is the next journey! Stay tuned!

Moving Mountains

In the past 3 months I have seen some of the worst parts of my life come to a head.

I have spent countless hours on my knees begging for help, and failing miserably.

Why does it feel like failing? Because I can't move on? Yes. When I experience pain in my life, I feel like there is a certain order of things that should happen. When I reach the point of being on my knees pouring my heart out to God, I think that everything should be okay and go away. That is not the case. What's really happening is I am expecting God to do it in Brenda time and not His time.

Timing is everything. Even when God created the world, it was all done on the basis of time....and he knew what to do next.

This weekend I am heading to Nashville with the Praise Team. However, I don't feel like I should go. I want to be there. I think God wants me to be there. I think there is something there for everyone of us that He wants to communicate to us. But when the going gets tough....I tend to run. And run in the opposite direction of what I really want. I have learned that is the wrong thing to do and can also lead to a path of destruction within yourself and among your friends and family.

When I got my new Zoe CD this week, I was really excited. But I had no idea how hard the lyrics of the songs were going to hit me. These are not songs that I have never heard before, but right now, they speak volumes to me.
"Mighty To Save"
Everyone needs compassion,
Love that's never failing;
Let mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness,
The kindness of a Saviour;
The Hope of nations.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in,
Now I surrender.

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus

I'm ready for Him to move the mountain in my life so I can be the child He wants me to be. But I'm fearful of failing.

SATAN IS A THIEF!!!

Does that title get your attention? It should!

What is it that Satan loves to steal? EVERYTHING!

One in particular is your joy! Because Joy bring SOOO many beautiful things that God intended to give us that Satan can't wait to rob you of it.

He's the real Joy killer. He tells us lies that hurt us beyond repair. He tells us things that make us feel that we are not worthy!

I suffer GREATLY from that! So many times in my life, including now, I struggle to find my self worth again. And every time, I know what God tells me about myself is the TRUTH! Yet, Satan comes in again to destroy all the worth I have. GRRRR!!!!!

The lies I fall for every time:

It doesn't matter WHAT I DO, I will never be able to measure up!

There is nothing I can do that is ever sufficient or pleasing.

I can try my hardest, AND I WILL STILL FAIL!

I am optional!!!! There is no one that I am a vital person to! I am easily replace and forgotten!

I don't have a purpose. I'm not making an impact. I don't make a difference.

The only reason people include me is because they feel sorry for me.

They don't really want to be around me. I am a burden on others.

Friend let me tell you....this is all a LIE! God gives us such peace and joy in times like this. He has the most unbelievable amount of patience in our times of despair. His love and acceptance is all that matters here on Earth! We should not look to please anyone else but Him. And if you don't feel like what you are doing is pleasing, then do something different. Different doesn't mean DRASTIC like my often changing hair color.....it just means tweak what you are doing somehow!
If you need a good cry....go cry! If you need to yell...go yell! If you need to lean on the shoulder of someone who cares for you...then do that too. But don't let Satan destroy you by taking away the joy of something that you have loved for so long and have such great passion for....just because you think you are worthless.
YOU ARE AMAZING, EXCITING, VALUED, and even if you don't realize it....someway....somehow....you are doing SOMETHING that is making a difference in the lives of others. Just because you don't HEAR it or SEE it happening, doesn't mean that God is not working through you. He is! God doesn't have to yell to get his point across. Most of the time, it comes in the deepest whispers of your heart!

There is a season....

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-2
A Time for Everything
1 For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
2 A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.

There is a season for everything in life. Some are long....some are short. No matter what the season, our lives are ever changing moment by moment.

Change can mean so many things, and it can also be very scary. Even if it's a road that you have walked down before, changing from what is "safe" to what is "challenging" adds a sense of excitement, adventure, and life into a season that has gone stagnant.

In my life, the word "change" is usually followed by the word "consequence". That really sounds horrible huh? Doesn't have to be.

I see a road and a journey that I am about to embark upon in the near future. But in order to walk that road, I must die to another. Sounds pretty harsh huh? Sacrifice is difficult. As I sit here and type this, I feel the lump in my throat and the tears filling up.

When a missionary goes out into the mission field, do they not have the same feeling? I think so. They give up a life they know and love to go into new waters hoping that the swimming lessons they took will pay off.

You shouldn't pray for God to do things in your life if you don't want them to come true. For me....that was today. I had not only one...or two...but many moments today where God appeared and laid the foundation for a new journey. In that, I had no idea what I would have to give up in order to make this a "YES" moment. And, it didn't hit me until talking to Chad and his reaction was "WHAT???? ARE YOU KIDDING?"

As I prepare myself in my own mind for changes that are coming, I pray that God put peace in my heart. I pray that He will give me the knowledge, wisdom, patience, and self control to move on and with everything I do, give Him the glory.

If it is His will, He will make it all okay and the lives that I impact will be closer to Him because of others seeing Jesus through me.

Friendship

Do you ever feel like everything you say is the wrong thing?

I think that would define me lately. It is so frustrating.

Practicing good healthy communication is highly important in today's society. For me, communication has to rank pretty high up on my personality profile as well as one of my love languages.

Most loving relationships, whether marriages or freindships, are based on good communication that most often builds up one another. But sometimes, when guards are down, things are said in love and trust that strikes a chord with the other party. Not intentionally, but it happens. Even in the best of marriages and friendships.

It is difficult to communicate lovingly and peacefully when you are angry or hurt. And in times like this, your relationships will start to show signs of stress and disconncetion from one another. Trust and safety start to fade away until eventually, deteriation has occured and you are down a path lonliness.

It doesn't have to be that way!
Relationships/Friendships usually involve recognizing each other's personalities. The likes, the dislikes, and so much more. Friends normally have a mutual sense of caring for one another and want to watch the other grow, develop, and succeed. Nobody likes to see their friends fail at anything. Sometimes, friends need to share feelings without the fear of judgement or negative criticism. That's not always easy to do. Especially if you are trying to help the other one succeed and not fail.
Proverbs 19:20-21 (NLT) Wise words satisfy like a good meal;the right words bring satisfaction. The tongue can bring death or life;those who love to talk will reap the consequences.


So how do you know a good friend....or if you are a good friend?
Friendships take time! Time of investing yourselves in each other. Committment! Even through the good and the bad. You are building memories. You are building trust! Trusting each other is always an important factor. We all need that person that we can call and share our feelings, our hurts, our wants, our happiness, our sadness, and our frustrations with. Trusting that person with our feelings is key. The lack of trust will destory a friendship fast!
Proverbs 18:19 (NLT)An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city.
Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars.

Forgivness is key in any friendship. Forgive those that have hurt you. Forgive yourself if you screw up! We may not always say what the other person wants to hear, but the fact is, they may need to hear it. Real friends tell eachother things that may not always be plesant, but things to help each other grow. I think that is why God designed us to have long lasting relationships.

Building long lasting friendships can be fun, rewarding, thrilling, exciting! It can also present challanges along the way that leave you looking for answers.

If I picture trying to build my friendships as I believe Jesus did, I would treat everyone justly, keep my promises, not knock others when they are already down, speak postive words, choose good role models, try to maintain my personal integrity,and live a moral life.
Maybe it's time for a good look into the friendships that God has placed into my life.
Am I helping them, or hurting them?
Friendships aren't for gain, but for growth, accountability, and leading each other to Christ.
If I'm anywhere else but there, then it's just not right.


Psalm 15
A psalm of David.
1 Who may worship in your sanctuary, Lord?
Who may enter your presence on your holy hill?
2 Those who lead blameless lives and do what is right,
speaking the truth from sincere hearts.
3 Those who refuse to gossip
or harm their neighbors
or speak evil of their friends.
4 Those who despise flagrant sinners,
and honor the faithful followers of the Lord,
and keep their promises even when it hurts.
5 Those who lend money without charging interest,
and who cannot be bribed to lie about the innocent.
Such people will stand firm forever.

Six Flags!!!

We went to six flags this weekend with the youth group and had an amazing time. We stayed outside under the stars and I can't tell you what a breath taking time that was!!! I actually enjoyed waking up during the night just to open my eyes and enjoy God's wonderful creation! It was so beautiful. Many times, we were awaken by cows, coyotes, and puppy mills. 25 of the 28 of us stayed outside and it was an experience to remember.


This was on the drive there. Just having some fun moments in the van.


I slept in close quarter with some cool girls! We had a blast and really...they just wanted to come over and get a picture with all my OU stuff!!! ;o)


Lindsay and I grew closer together this weekend. We had a great time connecting and bonding and had so many extreme laughs together. All I know (since she reads this blog) what is said in the van....STAYS IN THE VAN!!! ;O)



I had to laugh when these girls were really brave when we first got there to set up camp a bit a way from the rest of us. Notice the darkness in the back??? Yeah...they eventually moved a little closer to us!


I had some good moments with Ian this weekend! Great mother son weekend!


Morning football! Just another perk!



If you stand in the splash zone...you're going to get wet!


Good people!!!

It's been a LOOOONNNNGGGG day!




Keith led us in a great morning devotional just before we left this morning. The discussion from all was great. What a great way to end the day!

Migraine Problem Solved!

"A soft answer turns away anger but harsh words stir it up" (Proverbs 15:1).

New Favorite Song

Speaking through song

A dear person obvoiusly knows the way to my heart is through song and sent this to me tonight.

"Sufficient"

Hear my heart, Lord, as I cry out to You
Hear my prayer, Lord, and carry me through in Your mercy
In the promise You made, be my strength, Lord
When my strength fades away'Cause when I am weak, Your strength is complete
It's perfect, completely all I need
Sufficient for me, Your grace and your peace are perfect, completely all I need
You're all that I need
In my weakness, I'm finding Your strengthIn my sorrow, a gentle embrace
Through the seasons of laughter or pain
You are listening when I call out Your name
'Cause when I am weak, Your strength is complete
It's perfect, completely all I need
Sufficient for me, Your grace and your peace are perfect, completely all I need
You're all that I need
I will find You when I seek; I'll look for you with all of my heart
And I will find You when I'm weak, 'cause You are strong.

Update to Captivating Ch 3.

Thank you to the person that shared this verse with me today:
In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

It amazes me how God shows up when I get together with our group.

One thing that came up that really caught my attention. And this is just my summary of it.

As women, we are so hard on ourselves in regards to our marriages. When I met Chad, he gave up everything to be with me. He gave up an amazing job in Oregon, he gave up his family, he gave up the life he knew to stay here with me. I....was captivating to him and that is why he sacrificed everything for me.

See where this is going?

Well...who else sacrificed everything for me? So that I could have a good life? So that I could make a difference here? God did. He sacrificed his son for me. Jesus sacrificed his life for me? Why? Because he found me captivating.

I have a lot in life to still work on. But I know that he is still working on me. He watches me sin everyday and yet still loves me so much. I don't love myself as God loves me. That's not right.

I pray tonight that with all my failures and all my flaws that He will still find me as captivating as the day He created me. I know he does. I hope He will help me to see that within myself.

Captivating ch. 3

As I sit here and wait for my ride to our bible study for the night, I thought I would blog a few things from the next chapter. This is one of those books where you want to stop and read things over and over as you apply them to your own life. It's very difficult when you recognize yourself in the things that are said in the book:

"Whatever is not from faith is sin" (Rom 14:23)It is our gut-level response to a dangerous world

When we were young, we knew nothing about Eve and what she did and how it affected us all. We are wounded into believing horrid things about ourselves. And so every woman comes into the world set up for a terrible heartbreak.

Every woman knows now that she is not what she was meant to be and fears that soon it will be known and she will be abandoned. Abandonment: This is a woman's worst fear. Rather than turning back to God, we continue down that path by doing what we can to secure ourselves in a dangerous and unpredictable world.

Addictions turn on us and imprison us in chains that separate us from the heart of God and others as well. It is a lonely prison of our own making, each chain forged in the fire of our indulgent choice.

Hiding women dismiss every compliment. To hide means to remain safe, to hurt less. By hiding we take matters into our own hands. We don't return to our God with our broken and desperate hearts.

Desolate women are busy and hide behind "There's so much work to do" But they are consumed by a hunger for relationships.

Woman is cursed with loneliness. Man is cursed with futility and failure. Failure is a mans worst fear.

Doesn't sound very encouraging huh? Well, by the end of the night tonight, I bet I will find hope though this chapter and though God's word. Happens like that everytime!

Do you see what I see?

I think I may be finally seeing something here. ;o)
Or...less of something.

Before:

After:

New Moments, New Friends

Monday, while I was in class, I get a call from Ian's school.

That always makes my heart stop for a moment when I see that number.

I answered it and it was actually Ian.

He said that he made a new friend and his new friend wasn't feeling well.

The boy wasn't feeling well and has to walk home so Ian was wondering if he called his mom, if we could take him home after school. Of course I said yes.

They get into the car after school and Ian introduces me. We'll call him J.

J is very well mannered, very polite. I was quite impressed. We started talking about family and things and I find out the following information.

His dad is deceased. Accidentally shot himself 2 years ago.
Just before that happened, J was living in a psychatriac hospital. I did not find out why.
Between his mom, and his soon to be step dad, there are 9 children.
He has 1 younger brother.
His mom works for a church which they do not attend.

And well, I see potential for Ian to minister to this family in so many ways.

From now on, J will be a new person in my car at 3:40 everyday and if it helps him, and his mother, and Ian....then I'm all for it!

Making Progress!

Can't believe it's been a week since my last post. The last one was so good that I just couldn't let it go! ;o) I've been blogging other places, just not here. But I'm back now.

Today was the first time for me to go running with Chad. I physically didn't feel all that great today but I knew that I would regret it if I didn't go. At one point I think I may have pushed myself a little too much, but in the end, the payoff is worth it.

I've been working on treating my body better lately. Some say that I am very abusive to my physical body by starving myself. This...is true. I do not think that is what God wanted me to do.
One of the best gifts Chad has ever given me is the message translation of the Bible. And below is why:

Romans 12:1-3 (The Message)
Place Your Life Before God
1-2 So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.
3I'm speaking to you out of deep gratitude for all that God has given me, and especially as I have responsibilities in relation to you. Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.

I've read it a million times before. I've heard it over and over. And I have friends who have spoken these words to me without quoting anything. I love them for that.

I've been through a tremendous amount of pain in my life. But nothing compared to the pain that Jesus went through. So why on earth would I hurt myself in order to find happiness?

It's time to let it go. Why now? Because God said so! Why today? Same answer!
An interesting Q&A sheet I had to fill out Friday at my Dr. visit:
Do I want to change? Yes!!!
Will it be easy? No.
Can I do it? Yes.
On my own? No.
Am I ready to make a change? Yes!
Will I eat? Yes!
Will I make better choices? Yes!
Am I committed to God? Yes!!!
Will I fail? Maybe, but not in God's eyes.
Do I have people who love me? Yes!
Will I hold myself accountable? Yes.
Will I tell on myself for cheating? Yes.
Do I trust someone other than my spouse to tell? Yes.
Do I love myself? Yes! Yes! Yes!
The most important thing to me right now is:Pleasing God & being forgiven.

Well, that's it!

I'm doing so much better today and couldn't be happier!