Season of Hope!

HOPE - by definition is a feeling of expectation. A desire for something to happen. 

I love the beginning of Advent.  Or, really the entire season.  What if we started every month like it was the beginning of Advent?  The first of every month we would remember to have HOPE.  We would all have the desire for something great to happen. 

Great things don't always happen when we want them to.  Great things usually happen after we've had some feeling of despair while we are waiting for the next good thing to happen. 

I've never felt like God has given me more than I can handle.  In fact, I've handled everything that has come my way.  Maybe not gracefully, or the way I wished I had but I've been able to live and tell stories that contained HOPE throughout my journey.  I don't believe that God will ever give me more than I can handle.  So many times I've felt the desire to throw in the towel.  I figure that God sent his son here for me to be like him.  He laughed, he cried.  He had HOPE and disappointment.  He was joyful and saddened.  So, to I think I'm on the right track of imitating the emotions that he put before me.  I'm on a roll!!! 

I figured if the Psalmist can be afflicted to the point of death, then I'm pretty much okay.  So many times they prayed and God did not give them the answer their heart desired in the time they desired.
I've felt that same way so many times in this past year. 

However, We are to pray and the speak good things. Be still and await.  Good things will come to those who wait.  Silently.  Pray and be hopeful that good news of great Joy will await you.  No matter what the answer is. 

Normal is not what we make it, but rather what God makes it.  In a new year of new normal in my life, I HOPE that my walk will be one that imitates God and what he has in store for me. 

Life Is.....an experience.

Life is good. Always what it's supposed to be. Laughing, smiling, singing, loving every moment of every day. Life is good. I've done things right...righted some wrongs, been forgiven, freed, and blessed. It's adequate, excellent, and just plain peachy!  Life is good.

Life is great. Happiness surrounds me. Looks me in the face and tells me "you are great". Greatness is releveant to how great I feel. Life looks at me and says "you mean something". Life is excellent, brilliant, superb, a fabulous. Life is great!

Life is change. Change in directions. Taking turns against the wind. It cycles, drifts and bends. In time. In seconds. It shifts in unexpectedness, unanticipated paths. For what you planned is now unnatural. Bizarre and uncommon.

Life is scary. Too scary for words. Words of anger and words of fear. It becomes alarming in seconds causing doubtness and fear.

Life is dreadful. Dreading the moments of today and the next...and then the next, for what other words will I hear today? Gahstly I say! Gahstly! No more good, no more great. Fear. Just Fear!

Life is unfair. Unfair in it's very nature of our human sinfulness. It's deceptive and deceitful. It takes biased twist and turns that are unexpected cliffs in our lives. Narrow, slanted, obstinate life. Life is amiss. It is flawed. I am flawed. Done. Out of order.
Life is a secret. One big secret. Something unfair to go unpubished. Camouflauged to hide the fear. To hide the pain. Life is cryptic, private, covered by a blanket of darkness. It is hidden. It is restricted.

Life is Choking. Smothered with all the secrets and unfairness of the world. Too scary to talk, to unfair to be seen. Gagged! What once was great and good is now suffocating the very thing that was loved in the beginning. Life! A good life! Struggling to catch a breath at any moment. Ashypxiated. It is hidden. Life is restricted.

Life is hopeful. A moment of longing. Determined by the driving force of truth and justice. Hope is the voice of concern and a small light at the end of a tunnel. Hope is where you find reward. Where you once would daydream is now your gain and fortune. Hope brings life to reassurance and faith. Life is bringing light back and giving high hopes. Hope is a promise.

Life is justice. It is an authority that brings integrity and legalization to my breath. It is truth and goodness. Life finds the corruption and unfairness. Life institutes the justice to the unfairness I am living. Life is honesty and truth. Justice is life.

Life is breath. It is not gulping or gasping. It is not the expiration of inpiration. It is a blast of fresh air. It is the wind! It is the very thing of which we survive on. Life and breath. The very thing we longed for is now a dynamic force within us. Living, breathing, moving within us beyond our control.

Life is a smile. When the muscles in your face are not longer forced to frown. A beaming expession of delight and happiness. That moment when the air or life that you are breathing is clean again. No choking or suffering. No restrictions. Life is a smile that shines happiness. Not one that is just animated for character. But one that speakes truth and light. The smile that lights the tunnel that was once dark....due to those ever changing experinces, in life.

Life is freeing. It is releasing those things that bind you. It is the delivery from evil. It is the refreshing breath of air. It is the redemption of things gone wrong.
Life is great.
Life is good.
Life is...an experinece.

They've got it down already!

Teaching middle school kids about the Holy Trinity can be....well...like seriously teaching about a ghost. Literally! I've come to 2 conclusions about class on Sunday. #1, they either alreday know this stuff and I wasn't adding anything new, Or #2 they thought I was out of my mind and just killing time until they had to go to worship. I'm going with #1 in this case. I love how much the kids "acted" like they already knew what I was talking about. When I asked a quetion, it just seemed like they were anwering me with a question as if I was the ONE who didn't know the answer. Ha! This is like when little kids learn to say the word "no" but they say it in the for of a question just to see what your reaction will be if they say it. "No????" vs "No" Kids seem to love hands on activites, and they work well at application. However, these kids looked like THEY could teach the class on this. Which really makes me stop and think we have done a great job at teaching our kids at a young age how the spirit works inside of you. How God really is 3 in one. Maybe that was His lesson to me this week. We'll see.

Never knew I'd feel this way

I'm not really a dog lover. I don't mind playing with them and being around them, but I'm not very good at raising them. But we've always had one. Last week we put our precuious Lady to sleep. It was by far one of the hardest moments in my lifetime. I can't recall a moment that I have ever cried so hard alone.....but this time I cried in front of people. There were no wiping these tears away. Just before we laid her down at our laps, she came over and licked my tears off my face. I'm not a fan of doggie kisses, but these were priceless. I think she was telling me that she knew I wasn't good at this, but she still loved me anyway. She was telling me it was okay. She wasn't the greatest dog ever. She tore up the back yard, ate the cable lines, made more poop than any one dog ever should. But when I commanded her, she listened. She sat. She laid down. She fetched. She walked beside me. And to think, she was really Ian's dog. Not mine. But she treated me like she loved me. It was hard to watch Ian let his best friend go. It was hard to watch his heart shatter. It was hard to have to see him feel like his decision was not right. But we all knew it was. We no longer wanted her to suffer. I don't know why, but I don't believe I'll see her again. I don't believe animals go to Heaven. I believe they are here on earth to serve an earthly void that some of us may have. I could be wrong, and if I am, I'll bring a yellow tennis ball and yellow bat with me as those were her favorite toys. And if not, then I know that I had 13 good years with her by my side watching over us and being the best friend to my kids that we've ever had.

Trusting Pain

I think 2014 will go down in record for being the worst year of my life. So many things happening that make me question "why"? I don't really get it. In this year my heart has been forced to hate, instead of love. My heart has grived instead of been joyful. My mind has been busy, rather than resting. And all in all, there are so many things to be joyful for. I admit, there are times I want to throw up my hands and say "Satan, you win". The war he is waging against us is too difficult to fight. My faith struggles. I struggle to find the good in evil. God said to hate what is evil but love one another. I can do the first. I can't do the second. Someone once said to me "Pain is what you make it". I don't believe that. I believe pain is 2 things 1. A body ache 2. An emotion which rips the heart in two. Healing both of those takes time. Most of the time, the body heals from the inside out. Wounds are sometimes left open so that the body has time to allow the tissue to fill in the gaps. This takes time and is very painful. There are times where we put on a wound vaccum to make this process a bit faster. I've never seen a wound vac for the emotion that breaks your heart. Matter of fact, I think it takes longer to heal those wounds. With the healing of broken hearts come trust, forgivness, self control, love, etc. When you are pain, you are blinded by doubt, pity, rage, and hatred. A band aid won't fix any of those hurts. My heart misses smiling. It misses joy. It misses all the things that it once had. The places I use to find peace, I no longer feel it. Where I would find joy, is gone. All I can think to do is to trust in the pain that we go through. How stupid does THAT sound? Trusting pain! It hurts. We want to trust what feels good, not what brings us down. Pain is work. It is greiving. It is work!!! And through work we become exhausted. The only way to ever heal is to trust the process. You must trust in those very things that hurt you the most and trust that they are not there to harm you, but to grow you. We don't go through life just moving on. We move through it. Good or bad, we keep going. The good thing in all of this is that I'm not stuck. Emotion is moving. It's flowing. As long as it's not stuck in one moment....and it's BOUNCING around all over the place, I'm good. However, it does make one think they may be bipolar! :) So today I am not going to tell myself it will get better. Today I will tell myself that I am going to survive this.

Something about this song I heard on the radio really grabbed my attention. Especially when I hear teenage girls singing it. When talking to them about it, I was shocked to know their feelings about it. It seems they aren't feeling like they are in a dark place or have a dark side, but yet, they believe this communicates the committment one might have to another who is less than perfect and we should all love each other, even with our dark sides. We are all less than perfect. Amazing what you can learn from a 12 year old that is belting out the lyrics to something like this. Glad to know what she's singing isn't the message that some might hear in these words but communicating a greater message of what it could really be.


There's a place that I know, It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now, Will it make you run away, Or will you stay
Even if it hurts, Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am, Please remind me who I really am
Everybody's got a dark side, Do you love me? Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect, But we're worth it, You know that we're worth it
Will you love me? Even with my dark side?
Like a diamond, From black dust
It's hard to know, It can become, A few give up, So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am
Everybody's got a dark side, Do you love me? Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect, But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it, Will you love me? Even with my dark side?
Don't run away, Don't run away, Just tell me that you will stay
Promise me you will stay, Don't run away, Don't run away
Just promise me you will stay, Promise me you will stay

Containing myself....

You ever have something that's happening that you are so excited for?  And not even excited for yourself, but for others?  Sometimes I feel like I can hardly contain myself.  I want to get excited and jump for joy, but something holds me back.

For several years I have had the opportunity to be a part of some exciting things.  But Satan sure finds a way to steal that joy. So much so that I fear I can't share my excitement with others. I have to contain it, bottle it up, and keep it to myself for fear of the reaction and feelings of others.  I don't want to hurt anyone or offend anyone. But.....God has given me more than ample amounts of opportunities that I should be allowed to get excited over.....but Satan comes in and destroys that.  How is this even fair? 

But wait....what if....it's not Satan that is doing this, but God is wanting me to learn something. 

Satan comes in to steal our joy and destroy things that bring glory to God.  Right?  What if.....God is teaching me to be humble in these situations?  Teaching me humility?  Teaching me how to find the joy in all situations.  Just because I can't shout it from the roof tops doesn't mean it can't bring glory to God.  But...what if God DOES want me to share my joy that I have because of Him?  Then am I taking away opportunities for how incredible He really is?  How am I to know? 

Proverbs 12:23 says Smart people keep quiet about what they know, but stupid people advertise their ignorance.

1Thessalonians 4:11 says, "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands."

Just what if....He wants me to do His work quietly?  What if He's working on my ignorance and making me smart?  So many verses speak to how I'm feeling today, where I've been, and what it is that I want to become.
Guess I'll continue to be that work in progress. 

Memories

Ever wonder what it's like to have short term memory loss?  Fear not!  Let me explain how much fun it's NOT! 

Over the past 48 hours, post procedure-surgery, I am finding myself repeating the same things over and over to the same people, as well as, not remembering things that I think are pretty important. 

It's frustrating & embarrassing all at the same time.  My co-workers have been very generous listening to me and giving me soft corrections.  I've been informed that this is a side effect of the new heart medication I'll be taking.  Oh joy!  The problem is, I'm finding myself not wanting to talk to anyone out of fear I may have already spoken to them and just don't remember. 

I came home today and put on the one thing that is familiar to me.....music.  It brought me to tears not remembering some lyrics.  But, it soon came back to me. Just like a story that I was trying to sing. 

I've exhausted myself today trying to remember things.  From this morning, to several weeks ago.  I've been reminded of the things that are important and just closed my eyes and had to let the other things go that I was trying to hard to concentrate on. 

I'm thankful today for my husband who notices these things in me and is willing to help me through it. And my kids, who are extremely patient with me when I need reminding. 

Guess I'll buy stock in post-it notes :) 

......til it's gone.

There's that saying "You don't know what you've got....'til it's gone"
We lose things all the time.  We take so many things forgranted.  A simple  hello, a hand shake, a hug, the ability to speak, sing, or dance. What if tomorrow just one of those things were gone?  How would you handle it?

I've learned over the past 6 months to take nothing forgranted.  NOTHING!  And be content that God and give...and take away...blessed be the name of the Lord.

I'm fortunate that I married "up" in this world.  God has given me the best gift ever in a husband that is so understanding and caring for me.  When things are really not in his favor, I am still the one he worries about.  He's more worried about how I feel, rather than how things should be affecting him.  I'm more worried about how he handles everything and worries about me.  I think this is why we make such a good couple.

I can't worry about the small things anymore and I've learned to sacrifice more because of the lesson that he teaches me.  I think God gave me him to teach me to be a better person, and a better wife. 

Senses....

Have you ever lost any of your senses?

Over the years I've been losing the senses in my fingertips due to poor circulation. It's been a very slow progression. When I get cold, it gets much worse. Even painful. It has made me appreciate the sense of touch. I love to hold hands. Especially with my kids. To feel the warmth of another hand warming mine on a cold day when it is piercing to me is just the extra added bonus. If I ever lose all that, It will be hard.

Being sick over the past week has put fluid in my hears. As my doctor said "A TON" of fluid. She could not even see my left eardrum. It doesn't hurt, but I just can't hear. In fact, all I can hear is a constant low bass humming sound at all times. Makes me think the train is going by our house. It's made me appreciate the gift of hearing. I can't imagine living like this all the time. I've noticed myself trying to strain to hear things better. Turning my head, turning up the radio or TV, it's been difficult and frustrating. It's made me appreciate what I have and how well I can hear. I think God gives us a glimpse at times of what it could be like without something we take for granted so that we may better learn to appreciate it. Today...I appreciate all the senses I have and that God made them unique to me.

Busy, wowed, amazed

Hello busy, cough, cold, flu, RSV, pneumonia, bronchitis season. Geez! I think we've already seen it all this year. In the past 3 days I have worked really hard to making some people feel a lot better. Whew! It can be totally exhausting. And then rewarding as well.

Last night....I met a woman who has...15 children (all by the same mother & father) 6 boys & 9 girls over a 20 year span and non of them were twins. She has 41 grandchildren, 63 great grandchildren, and 18 great great grand children. Also....there is NO divorce in their family. They have well over 200 family members and they are truly one big happy family. To hear their story was incredible.

Can you imagine the legacy this woman is leaving. There is a reason that she had around the clock care....not from us...but from her children. Amazing!

Emotional side of life

Sometimes you just don't know how to handle the emotional side of things in life. You're up, then down. It can be a roller coaster...but watch out....you've never seen anyone like me hang on for the wild ride! I'm a strong woman. I can take on even more than I think! This year is already proving to be interesting for me, and that's okay. One thing my life will never be is.....boring! Love it!

Clueless Wonder....really?????

Today I found out that a child that I work directly with, and could have a signifigant impact on, has AS.

Our sermon Sunday spoke about having these clueless wonder moments, and I sat there and wondered if I had ever had any....until today.

God puts people in your path that you would least expect. Not only did he put a child in my path, but he put one in my path that I actually know how to relate to.

What's even more exciting....I can't wait until Ian gets home to relate this information to him. If Ian loves anything more, it's kids who are are just like him. He knows what their mind is going through and wants to learn to help them. He's come so far and I think back to all those times that I just wanted it all to end because I didn't think I could handle it. Now...today...not only can I handle it, I have an opportunity to help others who may deal with the same thing.

I am so thankful right now that I have had to endure the hardship of having a child with AS for 16 years....and I'm thankful for those who stuck it out with me and loved him in spite of all his little quirks! What this looks like from this side of it is so heavenly, compared to where we have been.

Last week, I prayed for patience in a totally different situation. I think for 16 years, God has been grooming me to have the most incredible amount of patience. Just, who knew, it would be through one of my children.

It's gonna be a good year to give....

One of the things I really liked about this past Christmas was our ability to give. But not just me and Chad, the kids too. We focused this year on less presents for us, more giving to others. Even if they didn't "need" it. We did it because we wanted to, and because we love them. Then we gave to those that did "need" it.

I've always grown up with a ton of presents around the tree. It was so exciting on Christmas morning to wake up and see tons of gifts. We kept that tradition going as our kids were younger. But not in 2011. This past year, they each only had 1 gift to open under the tree. It was the gift they wanted the most. What they had been asking for. The smiles were not any smaller. In fact, the words "We actually got what we wanted" was very nice to hear.

The usual unwrapping of the gifts went fairly fast of course and then we moved onto the grandparents and then onto help with Project Tulsa in giving to the homeless. By far, that was my most favorite part of this year. Blessing those that truly need blessed all year round.

As the new year has begun, we aren't even barely through the first week and my kids are already asking about giving to someone else. I've watched them grow through their own selfish desires to putting others first in their lives. It's so cool to see how they have transformed. They are becoming little adults who think about the good will of others over themselves.

I can't take credit for their change in attitudes. I can only give God the glory for giving me such wonderful children in my life.

Decorate

After being in our home for almost 3 years, I'm excited at the thought of finally decorating and making it a home. For so long I felt like it was just 4 walls that we just placed some furniture in. Now, it's finally going to feel warm and inviting to come to. Each month we will take on a room. January = The Master Bedroom. I like starting with this room because during the day, it seems to be where I spend most of my time. If I'm not sleeping here, I'm on the computer in here, or reading in here. I'm excited to create a space where I want to come and relax. Sleeping during the day has always been a problem because my room is so bright. By painting the walls a darker color and adding pretty brown blackout curtains, it's sure to make it a place to sleep soundly. (If I can only convince the dog to not bark right outside my window!)
It may not be the home we will be in forever, but it needs to feel like a cozy, warm, and inviting place to come to. Not for just visitors, but for us too.
I'm excited to try my hand at decorating.

New Year, New Things 2012

2012 will be a year of exploring new things and ideas for us. I'm excited for the journey. Not really sure where it will lead. I get emotional just thinking about it. Emotions can be weird because you don't know if that's just fear, or if that's really your heart diving right into it. I like to think it's my heart...that is scared to death. 2012 doesn't need to be a year of missed opportunities. If we don't try, we will never know. If we don't explore, we may never see what could really be there for us. Again...SCARY!
I want the year to be one of looking back and having no regrets. I want to be comfortable, with the uncomfortable. We are are a journey, and for once in our lives, we are taking it slow. Not rushing....not anxious....just calm.
I don't want to live a life of "What if...". I want to live a life of "I tried..." and then see where it takes me.
2011 had some good moments and bad moments. We made new friends, new relationships, and are not looking back at those moments that hurt us. We are excited to move on and live the life that was intended for us. Some may never agree. Some may question. All I can say is.....I wanted to to try.....
Guess I'll have to see where the story ends up myself. I have no idea! That's really exciting to me!

Hard times?

Ever felt like times are just hard? I think that occasionally to myself. It's my own little pity party. I usually don't invite others so you can't really get offended if you don't get an invitation. It's a selfish party of 1 only. ;)

Those are some of my most favorite times. It's those times that I stop and think of how lucky I really am. Sure...times are hard. But, if I wasn't given a challenge in life, then where would I be? Ho hum...stuck doing the same thing over and over and over. I love a good challenge. Even when it's a painful one.

Now...I'm not going to pray for a challenge, nor patience, or anything else like that. I think God can tell if I need it without me asking for it :)

I have a few challenges to face before the end of this month is over. Question I need to really ask myself is, how do I see myself growing in these situations. Easy way out? Long road? Working through it? Don't whatever just to please everyone? Or...will I face my challenges head on, with clear thoughts that are not muddled by old tapes I bring back up.

I think I know!

Reflecting

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6 ESV

I am reminded today of the importance of teaching our children how important our faith in song is. I, like many other parents, know that our children don't all learn on the same level. In fact, not even all adults learn on the same level. Some learn with their hands, some by reading, some are auditory learners, and some, by my favorite, learn by music.

I remember having to learn as a young parent how to teach Ian how to talk and say things that the doctors said he would never say. I did the only thing I knew how to do....I sang to him. I was patient, yet determined. I was kind, but firm. We sang all the time. One of my most favorite moments yesterday was watching a video with him of our first moments where he learned a song. Most of his toddler years were spent singing everything he knew. Others laughed, because it was funny. :) But, I knew that one day, this would get him where he needs to go in life. I am amazed at how far he has come. I didn't pay for therapy, I just mothered him the only way I knew how.

I think that is one of the reasons I find passion and joy in teaching other kids to sing. I'm not the greatest singer...I just love to make music. I love to see the joy in the hearts of children when they find a voice within them that they are comfortable with. With that comes strength & courage to conquer new and exciting things. Believe me, if you can get up in front of people at that age and sing, you will conquer great things later in life. But, it's not just about singing, it's about what song you can find in your heart. When I can't find the strength to do anything else, I sing.

This year we are approaching 5 years of teaching children to sing praises to God. Thinking about that today, I added up all we have done and it blows my mind. I have taught 91 children, taught 103 songs, presented 62 songs, taught 43 kids at workshop (only 16 of those from MDCC), kids recorded on 1 adult CD, kids recorded an entire CD, kids ministered in song to the elderly, kids sang Christmas Carols, and maybe something else that I haven't thought of.

I look at this and think wow! Or...I think I should be really tired! :) It excites me. This is what puts a smile on my face.

I am reminded in Isaiah 54:13 "All your children shall be taught by the Lord, and great shall be the peace of your children." I love this verse because it reminds me that I am merely a vessel. I am doing nothing spectacular. He is using me to communicate His word and His song to these kids. I often wonder if there has ever been a time that teaching these kids has kept them around. I wonder if what we do with this makes a difference. I wonder if these kids will be having a rough time someday and remember the words of Blessed Be Your Name or Mighty to save or You Never Let Go. Or, if they've ever had a moment where they want to sing Shout Hallelujah, or Shine Jesus Shine. I think if that is one small thing we can accomplish, we might be doing something good.

I once remember looking out into a congregation where some children were not smiling, were not engaged, and definitely would not sing. Today, I sit in a congregation listening to the little voices overpowering the adults as they sing praises and worship to God. I wonder....what it sounds like to Him?

I'm a nobody

I'm a nobody! Who I am and what I am makes no difference to anyone. Why worry with wanting to feel important, or special? Why try to be anything more than I am....a nothing, a nobody.

Some of my most favorite people in the world are those that are not in the spotlight. Those that are meek and quiet. I am most comfortable around them and their silence. They allow this nobody to just.....be. why? Because they are nobody too....and they aren't striving to be somebody.

I'm not the person that I want to be. But, I'm exactly the person He wants me to be. I still have so much work to do on me. I'm glad He has patience working with me and glad He allows me to fail to I can start over.

I may not be somebody to those I try so hard working to impress. I'm still a sombody who's a nobody to the only one who made me who I really am, and that's somethin!!!

Love thy WHAT???

I wish someone would just give me that easy, cookie cutter, answer to loving your enemies! Man....even when I try, it can be really difficult at times. I admit, I'm not good at it. I can get good at it when healing within begins to happen, but when someone picks and picks and picks away at me on purpose, I can feel that love start to fade away. Surely I'm not alone in this.
I've tried to find something to love, but again, it can be difficult when a person really does everything possible to make you miserable. It's such a sad situation.

I know one of the only ways to do this is to let Jesus transform my heart into something that is not there right now. I want to obey the greatest command and these others that I have read:

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another (John 13:34).

But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you (Luke 6:27-28).

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse (Romans 12:14).

We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it (1 Corinthians 4:12).

I don't want to be that person in 1 John 2:9-10 that lives in darkness.

I've tried so hard for so long to be Jesus to those that mistreat me. Maybe I'm not doing it right? I suppose they don't see Jesus in me.
I think it's highly possible to have enemies...to have people that mistreat me...but does that make it okay? What if that person always has to be right no matter what? I will never win.

When I take a step back and look I realize it's okay to have enemies. Jesus had enemies. He dealt with it in such a calm manner. I've tried to understand my enemy, but it doesn't help. I've tried to love, but they continue to hurt me. I try not to take things personally and realize, they just need help and I'm not the one to give it.

I'm striving to love my enemies. I have realized, they are going to hurt me. I realize, they may not know better. I realize, I can't change them. I realize, it's not about me. I realize, it's still going to hurt.

But this is the kind of love I want to have/give to everyone. I'm just praying that God helps me with that. Even having just 1 enemy that you find it hard to love, is 1 too many.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).